A is for Anxiety

Eek I've been averaging about a meeting a day for the last two weeks And boy had it made a differenceTo my headMy mental healthMy mood My peace of mind My self esteemAll of these things have improved so so muchNow I am wondering why I didn't go back to meetings sooner!There have been many times over the last few yearsWhen I have slowly driven by a meeting venueDying to go inYet it seemed so impossibleI just couldn't muster the courage to step in to that roomThinking about it used to send me in to a frenzy of panic and anxietyI really doubted that I would ever get back to meetings 
Like a lot of things with meIt was a mental thingOnce I wrapped my head around the fact that if I wanted to get well I had to go to meetingsThen it seemed a lot more doableIt felt possibleManageableIt was the same when I gave up smokingOnce I made the decision in my head And decided to give upThat was half the battleIt just goes to show the power of the mindAnd how much it can help or hinder us
I went to an NA meeting last night in townI was on my own driving inSo I was feeling a bit anxiousI'm not too confident driving in town eitherI'm so used to country roadsAnd back roadsSo motor ways and main roads scare me someAnywayI made it to the meetingI was a bit late So slipped in to the roomAnd took a seatThere was about 10 at the meetingAnd for some reason I felt majorly anxiousMy breathing was short and shallow As if I couldn't get enough oxygen in to my lungsI was dreading having to speakAnd at one point didn't think I'd be able to speak at allBut towards the end of the meetingI found myself saying
My name is a RubyAnd I am an addict
I find speaking quite hard at the best of timesSo talking in front of a room full of people can be quite the scary experienceAnd it's speaking about done very personal stuffSo there is the fear of what people will think of youAs I spokeI could feel the words falling out of my mouth at a terrific speed I could feel one of my legs shaking nervouslyAs I twisted my other foot around and around I'm not entirely sure why I felt so anxiousSometimes I speak at meetingsAnd I feel totally comfortable With no anxiety at allBut then other timesAnxiety hits me hardAnd that makes everything so much harder
Looking back on my lifeI can see that I began suffering with anxiety when I was a teenagerI can remember sitting in schoolAnd feeling this overwhelming feeling of panic and fearI didn't call it anxiety at the timeBut now I can see that is what it was
I was bullied in high school tooBy girls from another schoolIt wasn't anything too serious But it knocked my confidenceAnd fueled my anxietyI began to get wary around other peopleEspecially meeting new peopleOr people who reminded me of the bulliesThat experience has effected me to this dayAnd how I see myself and othersSince thenI have categorised people in to different sections Those I feel comfortable aroundThose I fearThose I can be myself aroundAnd those I want to like meI can usually make up my mind very quickly who belongs where I know this might sound a little strange But this the effect that bullying had on me
I deal with anxiety every single day In one form or another More often than not It's the anticipation of an eventThat makes me more anxious than the event itself It's the run up to itThe thinking about it  Over thinking itAnalysing And dissecting itThe event itself is usually fine
It's such hard work and feeling anxiousI find that I change my personality to suit whoever I am withNot too much anymore But I used to do it a lot  It is aWlways so refreshing being around someone who you can totally be yourself aroundMy sister is a good example of this She is one of the few people that knows me inside and outI can be my crazy bat shit self aroundAnd she doesn't bat an eyelidBut when I am out and about Anxiety can cripple me Not can stop me living my life to its full potentialI am on medication for anxiety But I do wonder how much it really helps
I was wondering about you Do you suffer from anxiety?If yesHow do deal with it?