It is said that there are times in your life that you can remember with crystal clear clarity down to the tiniest details, no matter how long ago they happened. I have a handful of those days,one of which is today, August 5th, 4 years ago. I called the hospital mid morning to talk through the logistics of the next morning. I was planning to head down to you early in the morning to pick you up to bring you home. I had made out a grocery list of all your favorite things and was excited that after over a week of being cooped up in the hospital from pneumonia, you were finally able to go home and be comfortable. I spoke to you on the phone mid-morning to check in on you and you were having a really hard time breathing so you asked me to call back later. I told you I loved you, you said the same, struggling to get every word out. I didn’t know at the time that it was the last time I’d ever speak to you.
At the time, I wasn’t overly concerned as you have had a really hard time breathing in the past, but you were in the hospital so I knew you were getting cared for. I called back at noon and the nurse said you were sleeping which I took as a good sign that your breathing must have gotten better and you were finally able to rest. I went about my day running from meeting to meeting. My last meeting was a long one and took me right up until I was leaving. I quickly grabbed my stuff and headed out as I had to get to the gym to teach Group Power and I planned to call you at 4 like usual to check in. I grabbed my phone out of my bag as I was walking to the parking garage and noticed I had a missed call from an unknown number. I rarely listen to my voice mails but since it was a number in your area code I decided to listen. Someone from the hospital asked that I call as soon as I got the message. It was left around 3:30 pm, while I was in my meeting. It was just about a half hour ago so I called back as I continued to walk to my car.
I was quickly put on hold when I told them who I was and waited less than a minute before the hospital administrator came on the line. She started talking for a few minutes but the only thing I heard was that you were gone. I remember stopping dead in my tracks, I remember exactly where I was when I heard her speak those words. I asked her again what she just said and she told me you were gone. And I was stunned into silence. She kept asking if I was still there and I couldn’t respond. How could you be gone? I spoke to you just a few hours ago and when I called again, you were resting. How the hell does this happen? You were supposed to go home in just a few short hours. My mind was racing and the world around me just stopped. When I finally snapped out of it, I told her I would be at the hospital as soon as I could but I was in Boston so it was going to take me a few hours to get there.
I remember getting into my car and being unsure of what I was doing. The first person I called wasn’t Robyn or my Mom, it was my Group Fitness Director to tell her I wasn’t able to teach my class that night. At that point, I don’t know why it was so important for me to make sure I got class coverage, but it was. It should have been the last thing I was thinking but I was just trying to hold it together. Then, I called Robyn. I don’t think he really understood what I was saying because at that point, I was hysterical. I told him I was going right to the hospital and he convinced me to come home and get him so he could be with me. He didn’t want me doing this alone and didn’t think I should be driving. I agreed and then told him I had to call my Mom. The minute my Mom answered the phone she knew something was very wrong. I tried to explain to her what the hospital told me and she did her best to calm me down. By the time I got to Robyn, I probably looked like a zombie. I quickly got changed out of my work clothes and he drove us to the hospital.
When we arrived I am sure I looked awful. I felt like I was a shell of myself. Robyn did a lot of the talking and we were quickly moved into a private room where the hospital administrator I spoke to on the phone met with us, went through everything that happened and told us we could go see you and spend as much time as we needed with you. Nothing could have prepared me for what it was going to be like to walk into that room and see you. I felt Robyn’s arms around me, holding me up. When I left, I could barely see my eyes were so swollen. The next few days went by in much the same way. I slept a lot, I walked around aimlessly, I ran, I cried, Robyn and Mom helped me through the wake. I remember at one point looking around surprised that the room was full, especially since I didn’t put an announcement out about the wake. So many people showed up from near and far and told some really great stories about you. In some way, I took comfort in knowing there were so many people who loved you and whose lives you touched.
Over that next week there was a lot that needed to be done. I still don’t know how I made it through that week, it is all still really blurry. I think I blocked a lot of it out and tried to keep myself busy and distracted so I didn’t have to deal with all the emotions. It was the only way I could cope at the time, but looking back, I suppose that isn’t really a way to cope since I still cannot think about you without crying.
Time is a funny thing because it goes on with or without us. I had to go back to work, I had to get back to living. I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to mope around, but life just seemed so unfair. How was I supposed to just go back to my normal life when such a big part of me was gone forever? Four years later and I still have your number programmed into my phone, I just can’t delete it. On my way home from work everyday, I wish I was still able to call you and tell you about my day and hear all about yours. “Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here’s what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it’s still with a stabbing pain to the heart.” This is the perfect way to describe how I feel.
There are so many things I wish you were still here to see. Above everything else, I wish you could have met Ashton, I know you would have adored him. He is full of life and mischief. His personality is infectious and he makes everyone who meets him smile. He is always saying hi to everyone we meet out and gives out hugs and high fives freely to every stranger we pass. It’s funny because everyone thinks he is all Robyn, the only thing he got from me so far is his pale white, Irish skin (thanks to you!!) and his auburn hair. But, there are so many instances when he is all you. There are times when he will smirk or smile and it stops me in my tracks because he looks just like you. Most of the time it makes me smile, its like a little piece of you is still with me, but sometimes it feels like a punch in the stomach, a reminder that you are no longer here.
So much has happened in the short 4 years since you’ve been gone that it would take me weeks to tell you everything, but here are a few things that I want you to know. First, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you slipped from this world, I should have been there with you, the fact that you died alone in that hospital will be one of my biggest regrets for as long as I live. I want you to know that I miss your words of wisdom and your unyielding support of me. I miss your no-nonsense way of telling me your opinion (I know I get that trait from you). I miss your laugh and your constant joking. I want you to know how thankful I am that you were my Dad and I hope I make you proud of the person I have become. I hope that I can be half as great a parent to Ashton as you were to me. And above all, I want you to know that I miss you everyday and I love you.
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Today, tell the people you love just how you feel!
