34

 my birthday in a couple of weeksWhen I will be the grand ol' age of 34I have to remind myself a lot of the time what age I amBecause I really don't feel 34I feel more like I am in my twenties Probably because I lost my twenties to addiction and anorexia So I don't really feel like I lived through them They are really a blurI didn't take advantage of my youthI could have done so muchBut I didn't And I just have to live with that
No regrets thoughNot oneEverything is exactly how it should beI firmly believe thatThe struggles I have been throughHave made me in to the person I am todayEvery setbackEvery bump in the roadEvery slip and relapseAll happened for a reasonI wouldn't tAke back a minute of it
I was 31 when I started writing my blogI remember being so embarrassed by my ageBecause everyone else seemed so youngI felt like I shouldn't be hereThat I was older And therefore wiseBut anorexia and bulimia don't discriminateThey attack people of any ageSexCreed Background Religion 
I'm trying decide what to do for my birthdayMy mums is the week after mineSo we will probably do something togetherLast year we went for afternoon tea in a castleWhich was funBut if like to do something different this yearMaybe go to Dublin or Cork for the night We'll see
I haven't mentioned it hereBut I am thinking of getting a tattoo or a piercing I have neitherAnd would love to get something doneI had my eyebrow and belly button pierced when I was a teenager And I have my ears pierced a few timesI've held off getting a tattoo for so longAs I just couldn't decide on oneI love wings on the shoulder bladesAnd I love the 1950s coquettish lookI don't want to make an impulsive decision Like I do with so many things As everI will keep you posted 
In other newsI'm having a whopper of a bad body image dayI tried on a pair of leggings this morningAnd promptly ripped off after looking in the mirror So what to do on a bad body image dayOr a BBID as I like to call themFor me When I'm feeling particularly largeI often body check Inspect my arms Or legs Or tummyI need to not do this As it only feeds in to an already skewed body imageI should probably avoid mirrors tooAnd I guess recognising that it is a BBIDAnd what I'm seeing maybe through the lens of my eating disorderAnywayAll I can do is damage limitationDon a tracksuitRide it outAnd wait for it to pass
It's a sad factThat my self esteemAnd self confidenceIs tied to my body imageWhen I feel that I look goodOr at least something approaching goodI feel more confidentI feel able and capableBut on a day like today When all I can see are rolls of fatI just want to hide under a blanket Vast expanses of fleshNo shape or definition whatsoeverI'm kind of hoping that I do have body dysphoriaAnd that I don't really look like thisMaybe in real life I have the body of a dancerBut I just can't see itI live in hope....
With all that saidI have some questions for youDo you have any tattoos or piercings?What are they?Do you love them or regret them?And also What do you do on a bad body image day?What helps you get through the day?Inquiring minds wNt to know....