But what exactly does fighting entail?It's not quite a physical fightIt's behavioural Its psychological It's emotionalIt means eating three meals a day At the tableWith my family It means no purging Which is the big oneI haven't gone a day without purging in years It has become just another habit in my lifeI wake up Brush my teeth Eat something Purge It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my dayAnd wasn't going anywhereBut Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my EDShe speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this That I can recover Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday Two amazingly strong womenWho both believe in me It was powerful I couldn't have two better women on my side I dont need to tell you how blessed I am
Finally It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together It's thrilling It's terrifying It's venturing in to the unknownI can't lie I am petrified But I am ready I am so ready For the next phase of my life For recovery From both my ED and my addictionI swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills meScrew the anxiety Screw the fearThis is about my getting well That's my priority right nowI know that I can do something when I set my mind on itI'm now 18 months smoke freeAnd let me tell youI was a dedicated smoker I joke with my sister that when I start earning moneyI'm going to take it up againBut I know I won't Going back isn't an option I find that once I get my head around something Then I can do it Like with smoking Mentally giving up was half the battleI'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purgingI just need to establish a new habitA new pattern A new way of doing things I guess at first Distraction will be the name of the gameAfter eating I need to distract, distract, distract!Get out of the houseWalk the dogs Go for a driveAnd stay away from bathroomsI know it will be toughAt first it will be uncomfortableAs my body gets used to keeping food down It will be a strange sensationActually letting my food digestBut it's something that has to be doneIf I want t hold down a 30 hour a week jobI need to be healthyI need to feed my body When I'm busyI know I find it hard to eatDo I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fedAnd to keep on top of my healthAnd not just exist on energy drinks
So yesThere is much to look forward to And much work to do I have about three months before I start work to get on trackAnd hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidenceAs i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work But I'm ready Come on lifeBring it on....
The first photo below was taken last NovemberAnd the following one this morning
