June 29, 2011
Dear AG,
Thank you for your application to the Obnoxiously Long Title of this Really Awesome Project Program for 2011-2012. The selection process, like the lines by the free sample stations at Costco during lunch, was very competitive this year. We received over one application from writers, a record response to the open call given we advertised it everywhere you googled and our selection panel of drunks and convicts was not very impressed by the quality of the work under consideration.
We regret to inform you in this singular, lonely, singular sentence that your crappy application has not been selected for participation in the OLTRAPP.
We encourage everyone to consider reapplying because we get off on telling you no multiple times, but also the selection panel changes each session, so any future application you submit will have the chance to be considered a nuisance and poorly put together by a new group of bitter strangers. Historically, in 1492 Columbus not only sailed the ocean blue, but many writers are selected after applying several times. Several times and then fame happened.
Please note that even though you won’t care AT ALL, selected 2011-2012 participants will be announced on our website www.youfail.com in October 2011.
Please note that even though you’re feeling pretty crummy about yourself right now and are probably under the covers with your can of cheese whiz, you may be able to take advantage of the programs offered by our other exciting programs that don’t suit your overall needs and that you are not at all qualified for.Finally, there are many organizations in New York City and beyond that support artists in various ways, all of which you have applied to and been rejected from. We in the business call that Making the Rounds.We wish you the best of luck!The Leader of OLTRAPP Who Apparently Has No Name, Like Oz; not as omniscient but just as douchey.
