"Happy Friday!"
When I drank, I communicated by ignoring you when you did not agree with what I did or drank like I did! When I drank I would express my anger by telling you or not telling you how I truly felt,...I stuffed the real feelings of hurt, disappointment and fear, which later turned into resentments. When I drank, I communicated in a passive aggressive manner. I communicated indirectly. Meaning, someone would say something to me that perhaps upset me and I would communicate it with another friend instead of just going to that friend or family member and telling them directly how they treated me or how they hurt me,...I struggled with your approval of me or the fear of your rejection of me! I communicated by using the "silent treatment" in order to let the other person know I was not happy with them,...this allowed me to really 'not' deal with the issue, rather hoped it would be swept under the carpet and forgotten about,...it never did and only made the problem worse! I communicated by sarcasm and thought this was a way to get my point across,...but really it just hurt someone's feelings! I communicated by not communicating,...because I really did not know how to communicate or express myself with a more productive or positive way,...I was never taught how too! I communicated by using half truths in order to accept your approval or impress you,...because I had a low self esteem! I communicated by lying because I was to afraid to deal with the truth or just dealing with my consequence,...I was not responsible when I communicated! I communicated by rationalizing and justifying why I did a certain thing or said a certain thing in order to not look as bad as my behavior really was,...still another way not to take on my own responsibility. I communicated with no regards to someone's feelings and thought that "brutal honesty" with another was the only way to get them to see the right way, my way,..."I" thought I knew what was right for them,...when really I was trying to belittle them, control them or make myself look better than them,...the reality was, I have no control over anyone! I communicated by my use of control,...I used manipulation, cunning and baffling types of behavior,...in hopes to get you to see it how it should be, could be and what I could get out of it or you,...when really I was the one out of control! I communicated by talking around the subject instead of saying how I felt, what I needed and what I wanted,...this caused me to cheat myself out of my true needs. This also, cheated the other person out for the chance to make it right with me or to have a chance to understand the real me,...I did this because "people pleasing" was my denial that caused me years of pain and mostly the lack of knowing me, seeing me and understanding me,...people pleasing kept me stale and dishonest with my soul! When I drank expressing myself and communicating with others and with myself was distorted, negative and mostly unproductive spiritually, mentally and physically! When I drank I did not communicate,...correctly!
Today, I am sober and my way of communicating and expressing myself is 90% better! I say 90% because I still struggle with some issues and I am not perfect in any way,...I am still in the progress mode and always will be! On the other hand, the difference is how I know my feelings and what they are and how to deal with them in a more positive and productive way. For instance, when I get mad, angry or upset...I no longer feel the need to use silence, punishment or sarcasm. I wait awhile in order to calm down, get my thoughts together, go for a run and later tell that person how "I" felt, hurt or how "I" was disappointed,...most the time when I do feel this way it is because of my expectations. When I drank I communicated to everyone how much pain I was in by either shooting my mouth off or by just drinking as much as I drank! When I see anyone today abuse their body with any substance, be it alcohol, drugs, food and many more...I immediately know they are communicating their "emotional pain" in a negative and unproductive way! They, like I was, are in emotional pain and do not know how to physically, emotionally and spiritually express it! It wasn't until I became sober that I learned how to do this, and still I am learning how to do this. Today, I have compassion for those still suffering with their addiction and know how hard it is to rid this pain and express it in a more productive way. I no longer communicate judgment about where they are in their life, rather embrace it and know that at times in my life I still struggle with communication and self expression. It is a humbling experience!
Communication is hard and it is even harder when it involves communicating with yourself, because really knowing yourself allows you to communicate with another. I know today that communication is expressed in actions and in words. Like that saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words!" I must be aware and mindful of my own actions along with my words in order to allow what I need to say to be productive and less hurtful. I know today that communication is a way to release many emotions as long as I am willing to know myself and express them in a positive way. When I am feeling sad or emotional pain I write my feelings out,...instead of sulking and shutting down emotionally! I must be productive! Writing is so therapeutic and it really allows me to see myself, how I felt and how I can change my way of thinking or behavior. Writing is my own contract with myself that makes me accountable for how or what I did and it allows me to see where I need to improve my behavior, expression of my feelings and actions with someone else. For example, I express myself and communicate with all of you whenever I write in my blog. Sometimes I wonder if I am communicating clearly with my words and hope that my words are not being misunderstood. It has happened and I guess I have no control over it...all I have is hope and faith that my message is understood and clear. Today, I have learned how to express and communicate in a more positive and productive way but I must always remember that I have no control over how someone listens or reads my way of communicating. Lastly, I am not responsible for the way someone chooses to react too my communication. I am only responsible for me! Learning to truly listen is a whole other blog post I later will write about, but for today, expression and communication is what I needed to express!
Do you still find it hard to express yourself or communicate when you are feeling a certain way? I know I sometimes do,...and that is OK, we are all a work in progress! Today, even though it is cold and rainy outside I thought I would communicate with all of you what type of weather conditions I will endure when I set out to run today,...lol!
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