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If ‘clean the toilet’ somehow precipitates the need for specific, step-by-step instructions, you’re probably married.
If you’ve found yourself saying, “Don’t swing that at the kids!” you’re probably married.
If you’ve ever asked your partner exactly when they’re due back at work, you’re probably married.
If you’ve seen G.I. Joe: Retaliation more than once, you’re probably married.
If you’ve left a room solely on the basis of someone else’s breath, you’re probably married.
If you’ve ever had to define ‘appropriate shoes’, you’re probably married.
If you’ve ever wiped your face with a hairy towel, you’re probably married.
If you’ve gotten fifteen text messages from the grocery store, you’re probably married.
If the response to most of your questions is, “Not yet,” you’re probably married.
If your response to most questions is, “It was on sale,” you’re probably married.
If there are three Oreos left in the container, and the kids haven’t had any yet, you’re probably married.
If you’ve ever had to describe the difference between a light piece of clothing and a dark one, you’re probably married.
If you’ve ever opened the dishwasher to find seven pieces of clean dishware (and two forks), you’re probably married.
If you’ve ever had to say, “Put back the bison,” you’re probably married.
If you’ve left town with your children wearing particular outfits and returned to them wearing the same outfits, you’re probably married.
If the question, “What are you eating?” is answered by a marble-mouthed “What??” you’re probably married.
If your kids know how to used ‘dammit’ properly, and in a sentence, you’re probably married.
