“Really???” I say.
“No. You get up in the morning, you get things done. You have moved mountains since I have known you (about 3 years). You are amazing ……. It’s like I have to sell you yourself so you might buy.” (my counsellor).
I tried to push aside the wave of down feeling and the thoughts of just not wanting to breathe anymore. Told myself I am not a depressive. It worked occasionally. The rest of the time I just breathed through the wave – like usual.
Sorted through my memories of whether it was my situations that made me depressed. But seeing as I remember being ‘melancholy’ since late primary school, I figured I couldn’t really say my situations caused all the depression. Just living is enough to push me through the rabbit hole.
Wondered (briefly) if I should stop my medication. But the thought of the waves of depression and panic that set in when I not medicated made me think that this may not be a safe option – yet. Yes, I do feel more and am ‘lighter’ when off medication. It just the flip side is stronger and deeper.
There are lots of ‘depressives’ out there who are highly functioning. We do get up, we do keep clean, dress nicely, do our jobs, care for our kids. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we are less depressive or less deserving than those who are unable to move out of bed. I almost felt I had to apologize for being a ‘doer’.
This last set of sessions I have done with my counselor (to help me cope with Will and the wretched consequences of my ex) has taught me two things. One, I can actually see and integrate the counsellor’s behavior suggestion changes. I am now removed enough from my past and moved on enough, that I can actually utilise the tools she has given me. That has been a real move forward, of understanding how therapy can truly work. Before I have always just had too much of just living and surviving to be done and using my counselor to dump feelings and feel safe. Two, that she has turned my mind to ‘just maybe’ I could challenge the genetic depressive diagnosis and see my life through new eyes.
I don’t know yet if she is right. My pensive thinking and try-outs haven’t convinced me yet I could be totally free, nor give up my medication just yet. The dictionary description of depression still describes me. But she has challenged me to think deeper, see clearer and not just cover myself with the usual blanket of submission. It means being more aware of myself and what is happening around me. It is also like loosing a part of my identity and learning that ‘maybe’ what I thought I was, I am not. A new day, a new tomorrow. Exhausting and a bit scary. It is easy to skip back into my zone of ‘depressive’ – I know that place, it has no surprises or effort attached.
Will keep you posted. It’s a trial in process.
