You know you’re a sad, pathetic loser when even your junk mail seems interesting.
Every day, my hotmail junk folder is filled with craptastic shit. Every day, I delete said craptasticness without a second though.
Because I have way more important emails to focus on, like my long distant but closely related second cousin’s uncle’s step brother’s offspring to whom I have no genetic link, but they loved me enough to leave me $127,000,000 EURO…Euro people, not dollars.
Thanks to the targeted ad placement, I now receive a whole other level of junk mail.
Just last week I received these emails, all of which interested me enough to actually open them…also, I’ve had a slow week and would’ve opened pretty much any email if it promised to distract me from domestic duties for any length of time:
Find a maid in your area Oh. Yes. Please. One question : Will they work for free, for love, for appreciation and praise, or for faux jewels?
Home delivery alcohol So you mean I don’t have to leave the kids in the car, with the window down just a little bit?
Family friendly, affordable holiday destinations As long as they’re affordable, I don’t mind if they’re not family friendly. We can leave the kids at home with the free maid if we promise to arrange for her booze to be home delivered while we’re gone.
Your perfect match is waiting! What are you waiting for? Just waiting for them to come up to speed on the three attached children, and come around to being referred to as “Step Daddy / Papa #2 / Father Mach 2 / Yo, Big Daddy”.
Do you know what your partner is doing tonight? We can tell you. Probably checking my browser history for my apparently alcoholic plans to run off to an affordable family friendly holiday destination with my perfect match, leaving him with the kids and the maid.
Improve your writing. Online English courses now available. Say what?! Y’all be trippin’ fo sho coz I gots tha sickest language skillz out, yo. But seriously, I'm trying not to take offense at this last one.
It’s been a great week on the junk mail front. Coincidentally, a not so great week on the social life front…
