The Traditional Pre-Yard Sale Party
We had a yard sale last Saturday, which, like most things, was just a big excuse to have a party. The Bother-in-Law, Gary, and his family came to “help” run the yard sale and 2 bottles of vodka, a case of beer, 15 donuts, and enough Pizza Hut takeout food that they dropped a crate from a passing airplane to deliver it, and it was over.
Gary, Heather and the two nieces showed up at 9pm on Friday night as a surprise. I went from falling asleep in my cozy bed to sitting around the fire pit drinking until midnight.
You can see what a typical evening with Mike & Gary looks like here. WARNING: The circular move Mike (on the left, obviously, because he’s the one drinking wine out of a Riedel at a fire pit party) does at the end is devastatingly sexy, so try and resist as best you can. He’s all mine ladies. Unless you want to make an offer. Let’s talk.
Naturally after this, we were all fresh as daisies come 5am Saturday morning. I had an OJ & vodka in my hand by 6:30am to remove the ice pick piercing my brain.
Mike: “The neighbors are going to know there’s booze in that.”
Me: **DEATH STARE**
Mike goes and gets himself one.
Yard Sale Lies
It was handy having Gary at the yard sale because he’s a natural salesman. He held up a collectible plate my mother had given to me to sell and told me: “This is by Evaahn Shujay (totally made up name). He was a master glass blower (it was a ceramic plate so this makes no sense) in fact, interesting story, there is no such thing as a ‘Master’ glassblower, except for Evaahn Jayshu (totally different name) who so impressed the Queen of England in 1920 (it was a King of England in 1920) that he was given the title.”
But the way Gary said this to me, I:
- believed him
- wanted to dedicate the rest of my life to collecting Evaahn Shujay-Jayshu plates
Gary sold a giant plastic clam shell I’d found in the attic. It had once served as a container for Caesar salad or noodle salad. Clearly, that was what it was made to do.
“What is it?” asked a lady holding it up and turning it around the way yard sale people do.
I stared at this woman, my head feeling like someone had removed my brain and replaced it with a used bath towel, thinking, “It’s a hat, lady.” Only with a lot more words that start with “F.”
But before I could screw a yard sale smile to my face and answer politely, Gary King of Yard Sale attacked.
“That is a beautiful decorative piece, isn’t it? We used to keep shells in it. Shells we picked up in Florida. We put them in there and it was really beautiful. We used to get compliments on it all the time. It was our centerpiece, and we hated to get rid of it, but the time had come to mix it up so…”
And the yard sale woman, who a moment before couldn’t identify what this object was, bought it.
Never mind that the idea of filling this ugly plastic shell with sea shells was idiotic. And that it had never been Gary’s at all, let alone his centerpiece. The idea that there is a woman out there who thinks that I am Gary’s wife and I decorated my home with giant plastic clams full of shells still keeps me up at night.
But it was a productive yard sale:
- We sold a bunch of junk and overstock inventory from our online stores (links & promo codes at the bottom of the page!)
- We made enough money to buy everyone take out
- My younger niece setup a Kool Aid stand and made 50 cents selling $4 worth of Crystal Light
- We received confirmation from one neighbor that another neighbor is selling drugs out of their home or at the very least are in the witness protection program or possibly spies
- And best of all Gary was there to help Mike haul a huge hutch out and then back in to the house when we didn’t sell it
I took Sunday to recover from the yard sale and fix all the settings on the iPhones and computers. The nieces think it is hilarious to change our wallpapers and screen savers into selfies. I knew I was in trouble when I passed my bedroom and found one taking pictures of herself in a mirror holding a fireman umbrella made for a 2 year-old.
They sabotaged my to do list. Now I have to do Gangnam Style by Tuesday.
