Diaries Magazine

Wine Science

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
In honor of my birthday yesterday, I've written a post dedicated to wine and my wine consumption over the years since I  was old enough to nick it from my parents' wine cabinet  became of the legal age of consumption.
I’ve carried out extensive and in-depth wine research over the years.
There’s nothing I’ve dedicated more time and effort to, in fact.
As a result, I’ve noticed a pattern, a trend in relation to my wine consumption over the past 6 years – since I became a parent.
So I’m going to detail the differences as follows :
BC : Before Children
After Child 1 : 2006 – 2009
Currently : From the twins arrival in 2009, to today
Wine vessels Wine science BC : I only ever bought wine by the bottle.  This is because most of my wine consumption took place at commercial venues.  Child-free venues.  Rarely did I find the need to buy much wine for domestic consumption.  If I wanted a drink, I went out.
After Child #1 : I made fortnightly trips to the local bottle shop, and bought Clean Skins and whichever bottles were on sale.  On special occasions, I bought my favourites, but only on special occasions.
Currently : I make a monthly trip to the discount alcohol wholesaler.  All of my wine comes in a box.  I have been known to decant a cask into a bottle, just to feel a little bit special and fancy.  Also, I have made my own home brew wine, which was surprisingly good, but definitely not worth the effort and the fermenting time.  Time in which the massive glass bottle teased me on a daily basis, while I waited for it to reach optimum alcohol content.
Wine consumption : location

Wine science

If anyone knows where they sell these door mats, do tell!

BC : All wine consumption took place at commercial venues – bars and restaurants.  Child-free venues.  If I wanted a drink, I went out.  Any social occasions were held at child-free commercial locations.
After Child #1 : Occasionally, we went out.  Only if we could justify a babysitter on account of a special occasion; or if the #1 Grandparents weren’t too busy selfishly traveling the world, and could instead come to the city and babysit for free.  What else are Grandparents for, right?
Currently : All wine consumption is carried out in-house.  100% domestic.  If we ever do find ourselves consuming wine with others (on that rarest of rare occasion that we entertain), I ask my mother for a bottle that she’s been given and doesn’t like.  Yes, that’s right – I still take alcohol from my parents.  Only, now I don’t even bother trying to sneak it out or hide it, like I did when I was 16.   Even when socialising, it is always at a domestic residence, as all of our friends also have kids and find themselves in the same position as us : we’d rather spend our money on wine than babysitters.  This is also closely linked to the extinct phenomenon that is my Social Life.
Wine consumption : volume

Wine science

Welcome to my wine house, please make yourself comfortable

BC : Who cares?  It’s not like I ever bothered to gauge it.  Suffice to say, I should’ve worked at or owned shares in a winery.  Not only would I have been able to write off every single weekend and many weeknights for tax purposes, but I’d also be drinking much better wine now that we’re down to 1.5 incomes and 3 children.  Hindsight…
After Child #1 : Most of this period was spent in a haze of sleep deprivation and Holy Shit what have I gotten myself into?!  It took me quite a while to get used to the parenting gig.  I know for a fact that I survived via wine and dummies, so I’m going to assume that my wine consumption did not really falter in lieu of having my first child.  Otherwise, I very much doubt I would’ve let #1 Hubby get close enough to produce the twin tornado.
Currently : I know I should say I rarely have the time to drink wine.  But that would be a bare-faced lie.  I love me some wine, and I don’t care where it comes from.  Set me up with a keg and I’ll drink straight from the thing.  It is now a case of quantity over quality, sadly.
My wine future

Wine science

Look Mum, no hands!
Not to mention, average photo editing skills

I envision a day when I can finally purchase a bottle of swanky bubbly for the first time.
One day, Moet, Veuve, Bolle, Cristal – one of these will pass my lips.  Even if I have to lick the dregs out of some 20-something’s glass at a bar when they’re not looking, and they’ve finished with it, leaving a drop in the bottom.
Not even joking.
One day, I will be the parent who locks up their wine cabinet - because I will have a wine cabinet one day, stocked with bottles of wine that retail for at least $25 each.  Fancy stuff.
In the distant future, I’ll become reacquainted with restaurants and bars and buying my wine by the bottle.  Without having to pay for a babysitter, because I know my wine cabinet is secured by a padlock, and the kids are so into TV, the internet, and hiding in their rooms, that they haven’t even noticed we’re not home.
In the words of a great visionary : I have a dream…

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