Why Foodies and Beer Snobs Suck, and 14 Things You Should Never Say to Your Waiter.

Beer snobs are the new foodies
Self professed "foodies", and "beer snobs" are all over the comment sections of dining blogs, and review boards of Yelp!, and Urban Spoon.  The term "foodies" just eats away at me when somebody claims to be one.

What are they trying to let us know with that? All it says to me is that they spend more time at restaurants than they do in their kitchen. People who love to cook, and make it part of their lives, personally or professionally, aren't the ones ascribing this moniker to themselves. It's the people who have to be first through the doors on opening night,  (the worst night to eat at a restaurant.) to make sure the cuisine lives up to what Tom and Padma says it should. It's the suckers who order bottled water. It's the Jersey Shore watching assholes who make such a flamboyant display of their dining habits, just waiting for the waiter to notice how cute they are because they ordered a bunch of appetizers for their meal.

  Now, with the beer renaissance happening in the US, and the number of home brewers growing steadily every year, we have to hear from "beer snobs".  I saw this coming. I really did. I read a quote once. "Wine gentrifies, beer unifies." I can't remember who said it. It might have been the author of the book, or article I was reading. If anyone knows to whom these simple words of wisdom are to be attributed, please let me know in a comment or e-mail. That quote just summed it up for me. Beer will never exclude you like wine can. Beer says: "I'm so refreshing, and delicious. Please partake. I do not judge. I hope I can help you forget about your troubles for a while, and have some laughs." Wine says:  "I'm grand indeed. It takes the most sophisticated palate to decipher my true identity. Only the most worthy are invited to remove my cork."  These days beer is changing it's tune. Beer wants to have a high price tag, and intimidate, too.  Read my post about proper brew pub behavior.   Beer snobs are trying to make beer exclusive. Beer, since before man was even civilized, has never been exclusive. Beer has always been the friend maker, and the peace maker. Beer can be both a premium-crafted libation, and the every-man's drink. Why do we have to see beer through a snob's eye to appreciate it? I think it's great if somebody wants to learn as much as they can about something, but they should publish papers. Because their waiter doesn't give a shit if they're a foodie, a beer snob, or an ice cream sommelier. I'm pretty sure their Yelps will be just as effective without this information, too. Please foodies and beer snobs, don't tell your waiter you belong to these clubs. In fact, while I'm dispensing advice on how you should behave,  I'm gonna give you 14 more things not to say to your waiter if you have any respect for yourself. This applies to everybody.  

1. "Y'all got sweet tea?"
2. "I'll have a glass of mer-lott"
3. "What's your fee for splitting entrees?"
4. "Will you keep our doggy bags in your fridge while we shop?" 
5. "Tell us when it's 7:30, we have theater tickets."
6. "Can I keep the entree I sent back since you're probably gonna throw it in the trash anyway?"
7. "Make sure it's hot."
8. "The other 9 will be here in 45 minutes, can I just have some water for right now?"
9. "I was a regular here when this place was...."
10. "Do you have Coke, or Pepsi? If it's Pepsi, I'll just have water."
11. "The last time I was here, the service was horrible."
12. "I'll have the Ribeye, last time I was here it was horrible."
13. "Bring me a very nice White Zinfandel."
14. "Are you our waiter?"

Share some doozie's you've heard in your time.