I have been thinking a lot about this question for a while. Partly in response to listening to talk from girls in recovery, partly our own situation. As a parent/carer when do you draw back?
A lot depends upon the age of the sufferer. The younger the more and longer the care you provide. As a parent, the younger your child is, make the most of having this time. You have the authority and ability to give everything to make sure your child becomes recovered and hopefully stays that way. Your child cannot recover themselves and need you there as their strength and foundation.
A critical time for continued care is when your loved one comes home from an inpatient facility. Just because they are weight recovered, does not mean they are mentally or emotionally recovered. The eating disorder is still there and your son or daughter need of you is critical. Don’t decide they don’t need you or that because they look healthy they are now well. Don’t assume that just because you paid a lot of money for the inpatient treatment, that your child is going to be grateful and respond accordingly. They won’t and can’t. They still have an eating disorder in their head.
There does come a stage in recovery when the sufferer needs to be responsible themselves. Make their own decisions about recovery. It is not so much an age thing but a maturity thing. It’s like raising a child – at some point they have to stand on their on two feet to gain maturity, independence and their own life. A sufferer to reach this stage needs:
1. a long term stable, correct BMI weight – a minimum of a year. This ensures both brain and body are now fully functioning at correct health levels.
2. a reasonable amount of continued therapy which helps them separate the ED from themselves.
3. being able to make good choices about food and life by themselves.
It’s not about suddenly dropping the care but more weaning them off care. As parent/carer you start handing over the reigns. Get them to make their own appointments, get them to be in charge of meals, food choices, make their own life decisions. Little steps become big steps. Recovery is about owning it yourself. Unless the sufferer becomes responsible and owns their own recovery, they will never become strong nor mature.
I cannot put timelines on this. Recovery is unique. Only you know the one you care for and what they are capable of. You can also release them to care for themselves, only to have to care for them again at a later date if they relapse. What is important is that care is not removed too soon and you leave the sufferer confused, lost, lonely or at the mercy of the eating disorder.
