This past weekend I found myself wondering when I “bought in”… When did I first accept other peoples’ opinions of fat people as truth? I certainly didn’t come out of the womb hating my body; body hate is taught. I truly don’t remember a time that being called fat didn’t feel like the worst thing I could be called. The lessons started in the home, continued on the playground and school bus, and I am still being schooled on the lessons of being fat in America today. If I don’t receive a direct insult (usually from a stranger) then the shame is reinforced through advertising, TV, movies, music, and let’s not forget the ever rising obsession with the obesity epidemic! (It’s like the threat index level after 9-11, you know — the color lets you know how scared you should be. If you believe the news, as many people do, obesity has pretty much replaced terrorism as the threat this country should most fear. Sound extreme? I challenge you to count the number of times obesity is mentioned through all media outlets, on any given day.)
Still, I can’t help but wonder what made me decide to buy in to the belief that fat is the worst thing that I could be? Other (ignorant) people can believe that all they want to, but I don’t need to believe that – and when I stop to think about it – I know I don’t believe that. But I have had moments when the messages seep in, and sometimes they do. I don’t buy in completely anymore, and haven’t for awhile. However, I still catch myself wondering: what’s wrong with me, I lost the weight once - so why can’t I lose it again? I worry that my boyfriend or my family must be embarrassed by me (both based on realities at some point in my life) or I question whether I deserve to be happy. Because I am fat. How sad, and furthermore… how ridiculous is that?!
One of the best ways I overcome this bullshit line of thinking is to pretend that I am a friend, or a client. I would NEVER believe for a second that someone else deserved less respect, or fewer moments of happiness because they carry more weight than someone else thinks they should, EVER. So why should I be any different? Again, I find myself wondering, when did I become a person who feels this way? I’ve always struggled with self-esteem to some extent (it takes a lot of inner strength to be the biggest girl in high school, in small-town USA, and still believe you are as worthy as the next person) but I don’t remember struggling with it as much as I have in the past 5 years.
Talk to Yourself Like You’d Talk to Your Best Friend.
The only differing factor that comes to mind is, dieting. To be more specific – successful dieting; then the subsequent “fall from grace.” I bought into the rewards I was given for fitting in – literally and figuratively. I received so many accolades for looking like I was “supposed” to look. When I lost 200lbs not one person ever asked me how or if my health had improved – not one. At the same time, I couldn’t leave the house without getting attention for my appearance. I may as well have worn a shirt that announced it! I can’t even imagine how the Biggest Loser contestants must feel. People didn’t mean any harm, but the message I got was loud and clear: you are thin, beautiful, and you are a miraculous woman deserving all good things! The other part of this message is – fat Amy is not. She is not pretty, she is not good enough, and she does not deserve positive attention. Somewhere along my path, I let the vanity and the lies sink in, and become a part of my reality.
Not today. Today is a new day. Today, the old me is back. I’m fat, sassy, and deserving the same respect I deserved at every number on the scale that I’ve ever been. There is nothing wrong with me. What’s wrong is that people feel the need to shame and harass others over shallow things like physical appearance. The next time some “well-intentioned” (ignorant) person decides to discuss my weight with me – I think I’ll have an earful for them. Or maybe, I’ll just let them know that my body is not their business! I may have slipped up and bought in at times, but those hurtful thoughts are not taking up rent-free space in my mind any longer. Today, I am loving myself just as I am, and I am teaching others how to do the same.
Love Every Person at Every Size.
