Psychology Magazine

What's a Messed up Girl to Do?

By Rubytuesday
This is the real truth
I've pussy footed around this subject for far too long
The truth is I'm ashamed about my life
My eating disorder has beaten me in to a corner
It's left me afraid
Fucked up in the head
My week goes something like this
On Monday's I go to my doctor
The chemist
Walk my dogs
Take too many tablets
Go home and sleep for the day
The only other time I leave the house is to go to appointments
I don't have the energy or the inclination to do much
I leave the tv on in the living room and the radio on in the kitchen so I won't have to listen to my own thoughts
I might or might not eat
And if I eat I will definitely purge
I don't have a job
I don't go to school
I don't have a boyfriend
I don't have hobbies
I don't see friends
I think it's safe to say that I don't have any any more
I feel tired all the time
I have to psych myself up to do anything
From having a shower to leaving the house
I constantly feel like I am on the edge
On the verge of tears
Like I'm about to break down
Lose it completely
Like I could snap at any moment
I'm not writing any of this so you'll feel sorry for me
It's just the way things are
It is what it is
Sometimes I wonder am I sick at all
Whether I am actually a bad and selfish person
I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
Everything I touch turns to shit
I am the opposite of King Midas
Sometimes I wonder whether my family would be better off without me
Then at least I wouldn't be a burden to them
This eating disorder keeps like a sick child
Relying on others
No independence
I read other blogs who have jobs, friends, college, hobbies
I don't have any of that
I envy them
All I have is this eating disorder
It's my job
My friend
My whole world
A world ruled my numbers
My weight is dropping
Usually I would be happy about this
But I feel nothing
I couldn't care less
It doesn't matter
My weight goes down I'm miserable
My weight goes up I'm miserable
I feel cold and numb
Numb to the bone
I wish I  gave more of a shit
But I have absolutely no shit to give
My mind is in turmoil
I would gladly take the pain of pancreatitis over the pain inside my head
I think a broken body is easier to fix than a broken mind
A broken body is tangible
You can go to the doctor
He will tell you what's wrong
He will give you a bandage or pills
And in time it heals
A broken mind is something entirely different
You can't see it
Can't feel it
It's hard to explain
To put it in to words
For me the pain is worse then physical pain
Physical pain I can handle
But mental pain is torture
It feels like you are losing your mind
Going crazy
Losing the plot
It's a silent, invisible killer
I saw Mary yesterday
I was telling her how my thoughts are so negative
That I over think and analyze everything
My mind races
Spins out of control
That little voice in my head that tells me I'm useless
It's like a non stop film playing on a loop in my head
A film about what a bad person I am
And because I listen to it so much I know believe it
I'm just so tired
Wiped out
What's a messed up girls to do?
Do you think physical or mental pain is worse?

What's a messed up girl to do?

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