In the strictest terms, vodka is “An alcoholic spirit of Russian origin made by distillation of rye, wheat, or potatoes.”
But what is vodka…really?
It is the source of my secret shame.
What is vodka?
Missing.
Vodka is the thing I ran out of last weekend. On a Saturday. When we had good orange juice in the house.
Horrifying, I know. I don’t mean to upset you, but those are simply the facts.
What do you do when you run out of vodka on a Saturday? Do you get dressed and go to the liquor store down the street with that awful girl at the counter who always looks like she’s been chewing a mouth full of Oreo cookies? The girl with her incessant: ”don’t put your bottles on the counter while you shop, why not use a cart?” and “we have carts if you need one” and “hey, want a cart?”
I know you have carts. You also have aisles exactly the width of said carts. I’m also only buying a few things more than I can carry. Say “cart” again and I’m going to fill up a cart with one thing from every corner of the store and then leave it. It will take you, like, a half an hour to put things back. And on top I’ll leave a note to your boss that tells him how much more pleasant you are when he’s there than when he’s not.
And I would, too, if it wasn’t the closest place with vodka. She’s got me over a barrel there. Do they make vodka in barrels? That would be ironic.
What is vodka?
Is it worth getting banned from the liquor store? More importantly, is it worth putting on a bra and shoes on a Saturday?
Ha! Not when your parents have a house down the street where they have vodka. A place you can drive in your sweatpants and fuzzy slippers and no one will care.
So that’s what I did. I borrowed a cup of vodka from the neighbors. And by cup I mean I brought home a half a gallon of Stolichnaya (known as simply ‘stoli’ by those in the know, those of us who watched Absolutely Fabulous and actually dreamed of growing up to be Patsy).
I also picked up Subway, so that takes the curse off it. Subway, Eat, Lush. The Subway girls have seen me at my sloppiest. They’re cool.
But STOP! oh judgmental one. Borrowing vodka and appearing in public in fuzzy slippers clutching a half empty bottle of vodka isn’t the shameful part. Really, I’m surprised you went there.
The shameful part is that my parents were due to return the next weekend, so I had to get replacement vodka. If parents find out you “borrowed a cup of vodka” from them, they start thinking you have a “problem” and maybe you should “try a glass of milk” once in a while because it is “good for your bones. ”
Best to keep your daring Stoli Impossible type activities to yourself.
So I went to the miserable liquor store where I usually buy Svedka Vodka. Not because it is was voted best vodka of 2033, because that’s just stupid and a feeble excuse to slap a naked girl robot on their advertising.
I didn’t remember why I’d switched to Svedka… until I saw the Stoli.
750 ounces of Stoli was $34.99. 750 ounces of Svedka was $19.99
What is Vodka?
Expensive.
So I bought two bottles of Svedka vodka. I took them home, and I poured half of one into the Stoli bottle.
Then I returned the “Stoli” to my parents house.
What is vodka?
For you Mom and Dad… maybe not exactly what you think it is.
