Body, Mind, Spirit Magazine

What is Life Without Hope?

By Phoenixwriter @naesnest
What is Life without Hope?

I have mentioned before my colon cancer has spread to my liver. My liver is inoperable. I have too many tumors to count. This I have known for a while. I continued chemo to pro-long my life, however, I still held out hope to be cured.

Last week, I had a PT Scan. The results- I have several tumors in the lower lobe on my lungs and a there is a tumor on my 8th rib.

Yesterday, I went to The James which is one of the top (possibly THE TOP) cancer research hospitals in the world. My local oncologist suggested my going there (again) to see if I qualify for experimental treatment.

They took blood that will be sent to the research hospital. If a cure or new treatment should come up, I will be contacted.

For now it has been decided I will not undergo any experiments. The Doctor instead, recommends a highly toxic drug which I will only be able to take for 6 months through chemo. Dispiste it’s being highly toxic, I should not feel any side-effects such as nausea/vomiting, mouth sores or hair loss. The damage it does will show in the blood. Doc’s will allow my immunities and other substances within my blood to decrease to a certain point before stopping the chemo. Even if my blood should still look stable at the end of the 6 months, I will still be taken off the drug.

Yesterday, I spent all day at the hospital. As a result, at around 3:00pm when I got home, I went directly to bed and was not able to wake up (for long) until about noon today. I am still exhausted and doubt I will stay up very long before taking a nap.

I have noticed such a change in my stamina. A year ago, I would have been tired, but not nearly like this. I no longer have the wind to do very much without losing my breath. I have trouble dressing and showering without assistance because of this. I can’t help but wonder how much longer I have.

I believe I am still in denial. In spite of my symptoms and dire prognosis, I do not truly believe I am going to die. This must be part of what keeps me upbeat. This along with the support of my family and friends.
My writing is a great outlet. I have noticed I am slowing down in this area. I am afraid if I get to where I am unable to write, this will mean my end is near. I do not want to lose my hope.

What is Life without Hope?

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