Movies Magazine

What Have I Been Watching

Posted on the 06 November 2013 by Georgewhite @georgew28573812

Countess Dracula (1971) - Sterling British horror from Hammer, with Ingrid Pitt fitting in the lead, albeit dubbed in an ill-fitting semi-British accent. Has Albert Wilkinson, the dwarf football captain from Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights as a circus midget in it, as everyone's said everything good about it, that and Lesley Anne-Down, age 16 tries to be sexy while not baring her breasts (Hammer had no problem with Kinski, but she was German, so there must be complications, that and Nastassia's dad was an offspring-fiddling mental ex-Nazi incarnate of insanity).
Lifeforce (1985) - Naked space girl rightly charms the pants off every middle-aged guard, soldier, Home Secretary and authority figure/British character actor in the UK, only to suck them dry and possess Patrick Stewart, and then destroy London Quatermass-style. Cannon's best picture not by Michael Winner, instead by Tobe Hooper.
The Wild Geese (1978) - Moore, Burton, Harris and Kruger, this Euro-Expendables of its time is the best gung-ho war film that shows war is essentially Hell. Filled with more British character actors and some South African ones for co-production reasons. It does have a slightly boring Joan "black Brummie lesbian dinner-lady incarnate" Armatrading song.
Wild Geese II (1984) - EMI-sponsored none of the above, with Scott Glenn, Barbara Carrera, Edward Fox (after Burton died 10 days into filming), Stratford Johns, Patrick Stewart (he says this is his worst role, thank goodness he didn't say Lifeforce!), Charlie off Casualty as an IRA man AND Laurence Olivier AS Rudolf Hess dressed as a football supporter! Trashier, cheaper and colder, but still passes as fun on a boring day.
Whitnail and I (1987) - Tepid tale of two out-of-work Equity members who go on holiday, joke a bit, some people laugh, their Uncle arrives, livens it up a bit, gives Paul McGann a career and Richard E Grant a permit to stay in Britain...
The Emerald Forest (1985) - John Boorman does a cannibal film without the cannibals, and therefore it is boring, un-trashy and sentimental.
Race with the Devil (1975) - Superior  Racexploitationcarchase/horror/conspiracy/urbanoia/campervansploitation with Peter Fonda (unconvincingly portrayed as a pacificist) and Warren Oates as motorcyclist mates who while with their wives (Hotlips off M*A*S*H and some bird off Dark Shadows) in a motorhome, see a Satanist death-orgy, and must chase against the Satanists, who turn out to be everywhere and turn out to be nice people whojust happen to be Satanists like the nice people who are Jews and nice people whoare Muslims and nice peple who are Scientologists, except they're homicidal. Has a great "just when you think they're safe..."  ending...

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