Last week I was diagnosed with chronic back pain. I have had quite severe pain in my lower back for a few months now, it got to the point where it was bringing tears to my eyes and I was struggling to do my everyday tasks, I sit at a desk for hours on end writing, I could no longer sit there for more than an hour or so before the pain got unbearable, it was also starting to spread into my legs. The situation as a whole just got too much for me and I went back to the doctors and begged them to help me, sadly there isn’t much that can be done for back pain, just strong doses of painkillers (which I have to take other tablets with to stop me from getting stomach bleeds) and physio. Then the dreaded question came out the doctor’s mouth ‘How do you feel about your weight?’
I think I actually sat there for a few seconds thinking about the question as no doctor had ever worded it like that to me, I told him I was happy with my weight and that I didn’t see it as a real issue, I told him I wasn’t someone who sat on my arse all day stuffing cakes into my face, as per the stereotype of fat people, and that I actually ate a pretty decent diet and had remained the same size for about 3 years now meaning I wasn’t putting on weight, just maintaining my current weight (for the record I don’t weight myself, I don’t see any worth in the numbers, I go by measurements). He commended me on my positive attitude, which he seemed a bit taken back by, maybe he excepted me to break down and tell him I hated myself. Anyway to get to the point, I was told that my weight could be playing a huge factor in my back pain and that long term weight loss was something I would have to do if I wanted to end the pain. He told me that they could help me, sign me up for a weight management course, get me into weight watchers for free, and even get me a free gym membership.
This has left me very conflicted, I am truly happy as I am, I don’t want to change, It has taken years to become this happy in my skin, but my weight is now effecting my health and that is when you have to sit up and take notice as my health is important (that goes without saying I’m sure). I was talking to my dad about it on the drive home from Bath and I said the problem was, as I was happy with who I was, losing weight would be pointless in the long run, yes I could go and lose weight quite easily, I would be miserable but I could do it, but to maintain weight loss it is a lifestyle change, not just a diet, and for me it would just be a diet, I wouldn’t change my lifestyle, as I am happy with my lifestyle, so would put the weight back on once I had reached the 10% target set by the doctor, and then it could become a vicious cycle of having to go on diets every year.
I worry this could affect my self-worth, I could get back into the mind-set that the numbers matter, if I spend time around people who want to lose weight and think that fat Is bad, it could poison my thinking and seep into my being and drag me back to self-hatred for myself. People telling me all the time that my weight is a problem and that I am overweight and saying it negatively could make me believe them. I don’t want to go back to that place, I like the place I am in now, I love who I am, I am part of an amazing community of fabulous plus sized woman who also love who they are. I fear losing weight will make me a traitor to everything I stand for and the plus size community stands for. I also fear that I would lose the weight and end up being a size 18, on the cusp of plus size and become on the edge on the community, become stuck between plus size and main size. I am probably being irrational about it all, but bottom line, I need to lose weight and I think it will do more damage than good. (Sorry this post has been long and a bit rambling)
I would love to know your views on this, have you been told you need so lose weight? How did it make you feel? How did you cope? What did you do? Can you still be body positive while losing weight?
