Pearl

LATEST ARTICLES ( 713 )

• Honey, That’s What the Panty is For

  My mother worked for Haines for years. And as I’m sure you’re aware, nothing beats a great pair of L’Eggs. I grew up with a plethora of free pantyhose. Not... Read more

  Posted on 02 July 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Medical Advice That Will Blow Your Mind

  Pearl will be taking a break from writing for a while in an attempt to get her her head -- and maybe even her life! -- in order. I will be around, of course (ho... Read more

  Posted on 04 May 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Cat for Hire; Or Did You Hear the New Guy in Accounting Brought a Disemboweled...

  It's a tough economy out there, and nobody knows this more than Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys). In case you’ve forgotten, Liza Bean Bitey (of the... Read more

  Posted on 01 May 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• When You Start Going Through Things...

  I’ve been putting things away for, I don’t know, a couple hundred years now. Look. When your place is the size of an ambitious postage stamp, and the only... Read more

  Posted on 30 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• A Veritable Well of Untapped Potential

  You wouldn’t know it to look at me now, but I was a straight-A student. No, really! Spelling? No problem. Math? Yep. Science, philosophy, music? You bet. And no... Read more

  Posted on 29 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Critics Rave: Paps, Pedis, and Pub Changes Everything!

  

  Not to be indelicate, but the “yearly appointment” experience that many women dread could be improved upon. We’re not looking at it properly, people! Read more

  Posted on 28 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Do What You Can; Or Breaking It Down to Its Most Manageable Bits

  I have painted my nails a dark red. Short nails at the end of fingers on a small hand, I stare at them. The boiler in a rental unit has died. Read more

  Posted on 27 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• What Am I Thinking? Oh, Not Much...

  “The walk to the bus may have looked like any other, but Monday was the day that changed everything.” I’ve been known to narrate my life. Not aloud, of course,... Read more

  Posted on 23 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Me? No. Not Distracted.

  Separating household goods, separating emotions, Pearl remains confused, a bit sad-ly, and tender to the touch. Please enjoy another kind of distraction below,... Read more

  Posted on 22 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Just How Much Booze Do You Have, Anyway? Or No Thanks, I Can Do Better

  Pearl, wishing to distance herself from the pain she is feeling, reposts -- again -- so that she has time at night to go through her belongings, sort through... Read more

  Posted on 21 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Oh, You Just Know Everything, Don't You?

  What’s with everything changing all the time? Roads are detoured, U.S. currency looks different from day to day, my pants are inexplicably shrunken in the... Read more

  Posted on 21 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Not All the Notes in My "Ideas" Notebook Are Created Equal...

  Knowing that I may lose whatever respect you may have developed for me – that is respect you’re developing for me, right? – it is possible that the time has com... Read more

  Posted on 20 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Do You Look Different?

  People say to me, Pearl? What are you afraid of? And I say, you know? One of my current fears is that as an old woman I will have the same hair style that I... Read more

  Posted on 17 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Bob's Not Supposed to Drink Pop

  Mary has a soft spot for people. The little weirdo really likes them. Want to laugh until you fall over? She’s your gal. Lonely? Same person. Read more

  Posted on 16 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Why The Cat Creeps Into Your Room

  “Pearl.” I grunt in my sleep, vaguely aware that my name has been called. A fog blows in over the picnic I was about to sit down to with a man who has offered t... Read more

  Posted on 15 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Really, Though, SHOULD You Loan a Car to the Cat?

  Goldie Spawn, a goldfish of what can only be assumed to be of a pot-bellied variety, is floating, as she usually does, upside down. Read more

  Posted on 14 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Wherein Pearl Enjoys a Good, All-Day Fright

  These people look really put together. I back out of the room, check the signage. It’s the right room. I slowly re-enter and take a set at one end of a long... Read more

  Posted on 13 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Cleaning Woman Takes to the Streets

  Remember that piece I was writing about my traumatic day at work? Well, I wrote it. And I saved it. On another computer. You'll see it Monday. Until then, pleas... Read more

  Posted on 10 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Impactful!

  I spent all of yesterday (yes, from nine to five) in a communications class. Was it about effective business communications? Why yes it was. Did it involve... Read more

  Posted on 09 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Boom! WHOOSH! Or I Wonder If That Garage is Heated...

  Mary was more than a little concerned about Jon the other day. Not that that is unusual. Mary’s a worrier, and if anybody can make you worry, it's Jon. Read more

  Posted on 08 April 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION