Humor Magazine

Wherein Pearl Enjoys a Good, All-Day Fright

By Pearl
These people look really put together.
I back out of the room, check the signage. 
It’s the right room.  I slowly re-enter and take a set at one end of a long table. 
Welcome, my friends, to eight hours of corporate learning, where an innocuously titled course on “Communications” reveals itself, in dizzying, slow-motion horror, to be the stuff of nightmares.
All that was missing was my entering naked and forgetting my locker combination on the Day of the Big Test.
I turn to the woman next to me.  “Why am I here?” I whisper.
She grins, and I like her immediately. “Because someone loves you very, very much.”
And we burst into laughter.
It is close to the truth.  My boss, a lovely woman who now owes me an adult beverage the size of a day-long lesson in humility, had hoped only to enroll me in a course that would help me resist the urge to send e-mails with the salutation “Dear Inconsiderate Boob”.
In actuality, however, I have been thrust amongst people who speak for a living, the course being designed to teach them how to move across a stage effectively, how to gesture without appearing to have T-Rex arms, how to make eye contact without frightening the audience.
Now why don’t you come to the front of the room – hold on, we’ll be videotaping you several times to go over in your one-on-one coaching sessions – and give us a couple minutes on, oh, let’s see.  How about the rodeo?
One would think that I, personally-renowned writer loved by absolutely tens of people, would have quite the stage presence.  And you’d be right – as long as I am at a podium and reading. 
But this?  Suddenly, I cannot tell a story and walk.  I have forgotten how to blink, I am rocking on my heels, I am holding my arms out as if to play an invisible piano. 
The word “um” comes to my lips and stays.
The room is supportive and generous, the applause genuine.
I have wandered into a room holding a kazoo, and I have been taken in by the violin section.
And I am looking forward to the drink that is surely in my immediate future. 

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Harry and Meghan Announce That They Are Expecting Their First Child

    Harry Meghan Announce That They Expecting Their First Child

    The Duke and Duchess of Sussex while arriving in Australia for their first official overseas tour have released some special news. They are having a baby. The... Read more

    The 15 October 2018 by   Solarisastro
  • Concert Review: Some Roads Lead to Rome

    Concert Review: Some Roads Lead Rome

    Sir John Eliot Gardiner brings old-style Berlioz to Carnegie Hall. by Paul J. Pelkonen Sir John Eliot Gardiner. Photo courtesy Carnegie Hall. Historically... Read more

    The 15 October 2018 by   Superconductor
  • Cali Mavericks DoubleWood Whiskey Review

    Cali Mavericks DoubleWood Whiskey Review

    A craft bourbon made in California, through contract distillation, and finished in toasted French Oak; Cali Mavericks DoubleWood Whiskey is the latest thing to... Read more

    The 15 October 2018 by   Josh Peters
  • The Definitive Guide to Surviving Shopping at DMart

    It is a known fact that shopping at a DMart store can be a life-threatening experience. Which is why a guide like this is absolutely essential. Read more

    The 15 October 2018 by   Tejas Nair
  • Halloweens from Our Youth & Hellish Costumes

    Halloweens from Youth Hellish Costumes

    Let’s start with the obvious here. You could not breathe in these masks back in the 70s. You felt like you were being suffocated or worse. Read more

    The 15 October 2018 by   Midlifemargaritas
  • North American P-51D Mustang

    North American P-51D Mustang

    @ Camarillo Municipal Airport, CA August 2017 This P-51 Mustang “Bunny”, from the Palm Springs Air Museum, taxies by for takeoff at the Wings Over Camarillo... Read more

    The 15 October 2018 by   Htam
  • ✔638. Westleigh Park

    ✔638. Westleigh Park

    Havant Waterlooville 0-1 GatesheadNational League Saturday 13th October 2018 Havant is a town in the south east corner of Hampshire, situated in between... Read more

    The 15 October 2018 by   Smidrophenia