Hey! How are you? I’m talking to you from the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise, which is the name of my lawn chair where I am tanning and working on my vegetable art.
But wait, you cry in panic and confusion, How are you not busy at your real job? Surely carving a bust of Dame Judi Dench out of a sweet potato isn’t the best of use of your precious time?
Ha ha. Oh, people. How naive you are. You see, I have all the time in the world. I’ve discovered one of the world’s greatest secrets:
How to Unsubscribe from Email Lists
(Imagine that last line with a cool echo effect, because that is how I said it … said it… said it…)
How did I do it? The first step is to admit you have a problem.
I’ve had the same email for over 15 years and I’ve ended up on a lot of email lists. Software vendors, business consultants, fashion stores, a gay man’s travel newsletter (which I have not unsubscribed to because it isawesome); you name the list, and I’m probably on it. Add to that my customer emails, personal emails and real spammy spam-spam from Nigeria and I was getting over 1000 emails a day.
For years, I accepted this never ending barrage of email as unavoidable. But as I shot-gunned the last of the eggnog and searched for a New Year’s resolution that did not require a reduction in chocolate consumption, it hit me.
I should unsubscribe from email lists.
Ending my spam was a Herculean task (though apparently not as bad as the new movie The Legend of Hercules). I’m obsessed with keeping my inbox clean, and taking the time to unsubscribe from email as it arrived just about killed me; I longed for the instant gratification of deletion.
But I pressed on.
Linked-In wants to tell me it’s someone’s work anniversary? What the hell is a work anniversary? Hell no! UNSUBSCRIBE.
Fab, Touch of Modern, Ideeli, Restoration Hardware, Amazon Local and Amazon Not So Local want to share today’s sales? Nope! UNSUBSCRIBE.
JCrew sale? Oh don’t even go there. Those people are psychotic. UNSUBSCRIBE.
After two weeks of spending hours a day unsubscribing, I can now stare at my inbox for 10-15 minutes at a time and get nothing. It’s like the noisy neighbors just moved out and a peaceful silence has settled over the land.
Granted, there were a few unsubscribe links I did not unsubscribe from. Like this one:
“If you no like to stop further promos from us please head to…”
No good could come from clicking that link. For those, the real spammy spam-spams whose unsubscribe links are just tricks to subscribe to more email, I took the time to create spam filters that would send them straight to email hell.
I’m talking to you Ted’s Woodworking. I can’t even look at an oak coat rack anymore thanks to your constant attention.
So here I sit, sunbathing in the middle of the afternoon, released from the shackles of email deletion. I am free! Aren’t I Dame Judi?
Hm. Looks like I’ve carved Sweet Potato Dame Judi Dench too well and I can see she doesn’t approve of lollygagging.
Back to work.
