Underestimating yourself is so easy to do when pointing out your faults come some readily. I do not look at others and wish I had what they have, materialistic items are not what makes me happy.
Its what others can do that I can’t do that challenge my positive thinking and show me how far behind I have been left.
I went along to watch my 10 year old daughter Casey’s school assembly yesterday. I know most of the mums and I know the main issue they had that morning would have been to be on time or what they were going to wear, my issue was “How the hell was I going to get there?”
I would have to walk. This filled me with sudden dread, a heart sunken feeling. I felt sick, my head started racing and my palms became sweaty. I reached for the only safety measure I know and in the form of self medicated medication The ones that calm my anxiety by at least 25%. They don’t prevent it or stop it but they do get me at least to open the front door and take that step outside.
I rationalised that I could walk the children to school, then ask the nursery teacher if I could pop through the classroom, as then I would be in the main school and a short walk away from the main hall.
The kids were rather surprised to hear I was taking them to school. In every 3 months I maybe do that twice. I can’t do it, simple.
That is right, I can’t even walk my own children to school.
While the majority of mums would moan that the school run is a rush and an annoyance, its one of the areas I dread for other reasons. If I were to do it when I was not able too and was forced into it, I would be putting myself and the children at risk.
The assembly was lovely and thankfully my aunt was there, who gave me a lift home.
On the way home she moaned slightly that she had to go back to work, she had taken an hour out so she could watch her son, my cousin who is also in my daughters class.
What could I say? I was returning home, to the sofa in front of the TV for the rest of the day? OK so that’s a bit of a fib as I never sit down nor watch much TV but I may as well. I don’t have a job to return too. I lost my career when I lost my mind.
A job is another area I suffer. I can’t work like most people. I want to yet, again I can’t.
Its difficult to accept that there are certain things I can’t do, it makes me feel useless, worthless and bellow others.
Underestimating yourself by comparing yourself to others is something we all do at times. Its also difficult to see past your own flaws.
I have so many hurdles still to go over. Many problems I have no idea if I will ever be strong enough to face. The battles are daily and even the strongest break.
Its hard. Its draining. It hurts.
Its not always easy to be different.
