There's No SPORT in TEAM

I'm currently accepting applications for a new sporting club. You needn't be athletically inclined. There will be no short pleated skirts, so don't even bother shaving your legs. No helmet, no protective clothing. All you require is excellent arm strength and hand-eye coordination for raising a glass, and the ability to commit 100% to the illusion that the team participates in some sort of sporting event. We can agree on the mythical sport at our first team meeting.
There's no SPORT in TEAM

Think about it....which partner would deny you the right to go out and get fit, thus increasing your ability to keep up with the kids?
What rational other-half would hesitate to solo-wrangle the kids for just a few hours a week, while you are participating in a boring female sport in a crap area of town that doesn't have booze or TV's...thus allowing them to stay home and watch all the sport they want, beer in hand, without any complaints or nagging from your good self. We'll be training once a week, and then there's match day on the weekend. That's a twice a week pass to go get shit-faced, my friends.
Shit-faced in comfort, no less. Elastic waisted tracksuit pants and sneakers completely acceptable...since we're playing sport and all.

There's no SPORT in TEAM

Club headquarters. Siesta room to the left. Wine room to the right.

Just how do we fund this super secret team of awesome, without alerting our significant other?
I'm so glad I asked.... Participating in sporting teams costs money:

Uniforms (Op Shop, school uniform section)
Court fees (clearly we need to choose a sport that actually uses a court)
Equipment costs (I've got a deflated soccer ball, a few old tennis balls, and a $2 shop kiddy golf set we can use)
Coaching fees (I'll put my hand up. I'm very seasoned in recreational consumption as a sport)