Diaries Magazine

The Seven Signs of Ageing

By Jackscott @jackscottbodrum

The Seven Signs of AgeingI don’t mean Olay Total Effects or any of the other magic potions promising to hold back the ravages of time. No, I mean the seven signs as they apply to a middle-aged ex-pretty boy who knows he’s got fewer years ahead than behind. I was reminded of my impending decrepitude when trying to grab a rogue sock evading capture at the back of the washing machine. The sock nearly won. So there it was, my first sign of aging – stiff in all the wrong places.

But what of the others? Well, in no order of priority…

The only time I get to wear a suit these days is at funerals. This in itself is no bad thing. If only I didn’t have to replace it every year to keep up with my expanding midriff.

I used to sleep like a Brothers Grimm princess. I even slept through an earthquake in Bodrum once. These days I get caught short mid-slumber. And I’d rather sit to pee than stand.

My memory of yesteryear used to be as sharp as a drag queen’s stiletto. Nowadays, I never forget a face but names often defeat me. And sometimes I go into a room and can’t remember why.

As I grow older, my farts get louder (and more frequent). Thankfully, following through is still as rare as a gay bar in Tehran.

I reached puberty sooner than most and my hirsute legs were a source of great adolescent pride. Now I constantly moult. Sweeping up short and curlies from the bathroom floor has become a daily chore. What’s left is rapidly turning silver.

Liberal tolerance was my mantra for decades and accepting (though not always respecting) differing opinions was the price I paid. Now I shout at the box when some ill-informed twat spouts rubbish. I have become a grumpy old man and I rather enjoy it.

Sound familiar?

Despite stiffness, middle-age spread, nocturnal bladder weakness, fading memory, noisy flatulence, gray pubes and a serious bout of the grumps, I’m content with my lot. Unlike Olay’s fanciful brew, happiness is something you can’t bottle and sell at Boots. But then I’m yet to suffer from the eighth sign of aging – erectile dysfunction. Now that would burst my bubble.


You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Video: Climbing The Nose on El Capitan in Yosemite

    Video: Climbing Nose Capitan Yosemite

    Thanks to the recent speed record set by Alex Honnold and Tommy Caldwell, there has been a lot of talk about The Nose route on El Capitan in Yosemite recently. Read more

    The 19 June 2018 by   Kungfujedi
    OUTDOORS
  • Paper Fix | Pop-up Card

    Paper Pop-up Card

    greenhouse pop-up card | terrain Read more

    The 19 June 2018 by   Ofpaperandthings
    HOME, LIFESTYLE
  • Finding Your Own Yoga

    Finding Your Yoga

    by NinaKitchereeIf you carefully read the Yoga Sutras cover to cover and learn about what the eight-fold path really entails, you would realize—and maybe you... Read more

    The 19 June 2018 by   Ninazolotow
    FITNESS, HEALTH, HEALTHY LIVING
  • Bad Fruit is Bad

    Fruit

    Yesterday I wrote about the wind, meaning, the Spirit, blowing where it will. I wrote of how we can't see the wind at the time but we can see its effects. One o... Read more

    The 19 June 2018 by   Elizabethprata
    SOCIETY, SPIRITUALITY
  • Supermarine Seafire F.XV

    Supermarine Seafire F.XV

    @ Oshkosh, WI July 2010 My first Seafire sighting, seen at 2010 Oshkosh Airventure.  The number of articulating bits on this aircraft are certainly impressive. Read more

    The 19 June 2018 by   Htam
    PHOTOGRAPHY, SOCIETY
  • The Eyecicle • Temperature Cooling, Anti-Aging Beauty Device

    Eyecicle Temperature Cooling, Anti-Aging Beauty Device

    Facial massagers have become a popular beauty buy of late and even though they have been around for years and used in many a facial treatment, they have become... Read more

    The 19 June 2018 by   Kellilash
    HAIR & BEAUTY, LIFESTYLE
  • Karakoram Summer 2018: Individual Expeditions to Keep an Eye On

    Karakoram Summer 2018: Individual Expeditions Keep

    Yesterday we shared a few updates from the Karakoram about the current status of a few teams that have already started to arrive on their respective mountains. Read more

    The 19 June 2018 by   Kungfujedi
    OUTDOORS