From: http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/family-role
Function of Families in the Recovery Process
Eating disordered behavior reflects a dysfunctional relationship with the self. Family members cannot “fix” the eating disordered individual. It is a unique combination of heredity, environment, culture and conditioning that cause eating disorders to develop…..It is not anyone’s “fault”; it is important to remember that everyone has the same goal of a healthy and happy life for the victim of an eating disorder…be patient and non-judgmental, listen, and remember that it is their responsibility to do the recovery work.
Parents and Eating Disorders
Parents possess amazing imaginations. They picture the day when their daughter will graduate from college, marry; perhaps even have children of her own. Here’s what they never imagine: a daughter with an eating disorder. Unfortunately, millions of children, adolescents and adult women suffer from anorexia andbulimia. This means even greater numbers of parents are dealing with something they never anticipated, and worse, cannot possibly understand.
The most frequently asked question is “why?” Regrettably, there isn’t an easy answer. The best course of action for parents dealing with an eating disorder is to get help. A wise first step is to take the daughter to a physician, simply to ascertain the extent of the problem. If she has a full-blown eating disorder, then it is time to seek professional counseling for her, and very possibly, separate counseling for the parents and other children. Three important points to keep in mind: first, eating disorders rarely resolve on their own; second, if one daughter has an eating disorder, the entire family is impacted; and third, parents must not blame themselves the blame game accomplishes nothing.
Remember…Eating disorders are devastating to the individual and highly destructive to the family. You did not cause this; therefore, you cannot fix this on your own. Please get help.
Relationships and Eating Disorders
Healthy relationships are like the tides: they ebb and flow, especially when it comes to verbal interaction. You get together with a friend who has a new love interest the entire conversation is devoted to this important topic. Conversely, you meet with that same individual a week later and now you have news that takes center stage. But most of the time, it’s back and forth, give and take, which is why it is called a dialog.
However, if your friend develops an eating disorder, balance is very hard to maintain. This is because these disorders are by definition egocentonic; this means that the disorder is all important, and therefore, the individual becomes highly self absorbed. Consider this: if anorexia was a real-life person, she would be a huge celebrity, bathed in brilliant lights on an enormous stage, demanding all focus, all attention, be on her.
What should a person do when an eating disorder enters a friendship, or love relationship? There are many suggestions and guidelines revealed in subsequent articles, such as listening, conveying compassion, extending help, etc. But whether a friend or a significant other, keep in mind that you are important too and your needs also have value.
Remember…Relationships need balance. If you have a relationship with someone suffering from anorexia or bulimia, extend love to them, and to yourself. If you need additional help in coping with the situation, you may consider a support group for an eating disorder. Until your eating disordered friend achieves recovery, her primary love interest -strange as it may seem will remain her eating disorder.
Siblings and Eating Disorders
Families are like little independent nations, especially when difficulty strikes. Say a ten-year old falls out of a tree and breaks his leg. The troops rally: parents take care of the medical needs, sisters and brothers bring home schoolwork, perhaps even pitch in a do a couple of extra chores until the wounded family member is recovered.
But what happens when a family member gets “sick” and doesn’t get better? Families throughout the United States are confronted with this reality every single day when a child has an eating disorder. Although undoubtedly hard on the parents, often it is the siblings who become the unwitting and unnoticed victims, especially if they are young. This is because the parents understandably focus an inordinate amount of time, thought and energy on that one child. But imagine how this is viewed by the other children. “She” gets all the love, all the attention, while “we” get ignored and over-looked. This is a dangerous dynamic that can have immediate and far-reaching consequences. Enormous resentment can build toward the child with the eating disorder, especially if she is ill for a prolonged period. The siblings, in an effort to garner the attention they crave, may start rebelling or acting out in any number of harmful, unhealthy ways.
What makes this situation so very sad is that no one is wrong: the daughter is in the grip of a terrible disorder; the parents want to help their hurting child; the other children want love and attention. This is exactly why professional family counseling is so valuable when an eating disorder is present.
Remember…If an eating disorder is an uninvited guest in your home, everyone is at risk. Please get help, and find an eating disorder rehab center.
Spouses and Eating Disorders
Although men and women often enter marriage wearing various shades of rose-colored glasses, most of us anticipate a couple of minor bumps in the road as we adjust to married life. We prepare for normal differences between men and women, and accept possible changes as two become one. But nothing can prepare one spouse for the onset of an eating disorder in the other. In the vast majority of cases, the eating disorder afflicts the wife; often the husband is utterly unaware of the condition. This is not because the man is insensitive or uncaring; it is because secrecy and deception are a part of the disorder. A woman with anorexia often denies to herself and others that anything is amiss. It is not unusual for her to exaggerate how much and how frequently she eats. Even as she wastes away to nothing, she will swear that she “eats like a horse.” If possible, bulimia is even more ensconced in deception, but for different reasons. Whereas an anorexic woman is actually proud of her skinny body, a woman with bulimia is extremely ashamed of her behaviors. This is completely understandable; after all, consuming thousands upon thousands of calories, then vomiting, is difficult to explain, rationalize or defend. Therefore, she hides the activity, and if need be, lies.
But here is the bottom line: no matter how skilled at deception, the truth will eventually surface. On so many levels, this is devastating to the husband. What his wife is doing is unfathomable, absurd, and heartbreaking. To him, an eating disorder makes absolutely no sense; unfortunately, to her, it does. Perhaps the most difficult aspect for a man is that he can do nothing to stop the behavior he has virtually no control.
Remember …Nothing prepared you for this. You can’t control or fix her, but you can take care of yourself. Help is available.
