Oh to dance in a dream…….where blogs don’t get written and clothes stay unfolded. Where time melts unto itself and bliss is the order of the day. Yes, yes, oh yes, I am living this dream. This tickles my butthole to no end because two weeks ago, this fairytale dream was a little more nightmarish.
Picture if you will a lovely lady filled with light and promise frolicking about in the sunshine. She is free and jovial and pets little bunnies on the head as she makes her way through town. Until one day, a dastardly letter comes through the post from the King Killjoy. The letter demands her to stop her frolicking at once and report to the bland, windowless castle on the hill. She obediently arrives before the king only to discover that she has been sentenced to the most gruesome task of all. She is being forced to sit inside all day long and listen to people complain and argue! What a horrid existence. “Why is this happening to me?” she asks her fairy godmother. To which her fairy godmother ironically replies with a smile, “To help you experience more freedom.”
Preposterous! What a backwards answer. And backwards she did go, sliding down the hill, missing the point of her lesson entirely. She spent a solid two days in the dungeon of her own mind hating everything about her circumstance…..circumstance……circumstance. She was pissed that the actions of another human being could impose such dominion over her life. She loathed that someone she didn’t even know could affect her so negatively. Again, “Why am I here?” Again, the fairy godmother appears and offers a sweet morsel of hope. With cupcake scented pixie dust in hand, she showers the lovely lady from head to toe and asks, “What is your opportunity in all of this?”
The pink sprinkles rained down over the bratty babe and eventually absorbed into her fiery, anger laden skin. She felt a tingle that was so sweet, she imagined that she instantly knew why men enjoyed their Gold Bond Medicated Powder so much. A calm descended and an answer emerged. As in all great things, the answer was love! In her euphoric Gold Bonded state, she felt the oneness of creation. The interconnected greatness we live in is a delicate and powerful web. We wander around this planet affecting strangers in every moment whether we realize it or not. So her opportunity was clear. Be the change young Ghandizzy. Be the love. Be the light. Choose love. It is only through choice that true freedom occurs. In this Viktor Frankl moment, she felt free. Free to love out of choice, not circumstance. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh……………
Okay, let’s talk about boys!
So guess what? That lovely lady was me! And that bland castle…….The Santa Monica Courthouse. Jury duty was a huge trigger for upset for me. Fortunately, some insight and growth became the silver lining. But as you have probably experienced too, each ah-ha moment gets put to the test. Like instant Karma, I got an immediate life lesson pop quiz.
I hadn’t seen The Climber in two weeks as he was off in Columbus, Ohio saving the world (one natural gas conversion at a time). I missed him, and this bothered me. Strong, independent women don’t take kindly to the likes of longing. How annoying! Before the jury duty sentence, I had planned to pick him up at the airport on Friday and whisk him away to some weekend magic. Simon vs. Levy put an end to that adventure. Oh well, I could still see him when I got released at 4pm. Or so I thought, until I got punched in the stomach via a facebook email. His persistent friend James would now be picking him up. Since I told him I was going to be tired after a week of judging my peers, he figured he would hang with James (who would not take no for an answer) and see me the next day. What? Disappointment hit me like screaming tetherball to the cheek. I was left stunned…….and in pain. This was quite a bit more annoying. I felt physically ill. I felt hurt. So the only logical thing my ego could think of to do was to hurt him back. Oh yes, isn’t that the saying? “An eye for an eye makes you feel oh so much better for a little while.” Or something like that at least. On the drive home, I curiously witnessed my reaction from the watch tower above my body. My higher self shook her head with great compassion as the ego plotted what self-destructive activities the night would entail. What to do? Who to date? So many bad decisions, how does a gal choose just one? As I mulled over my options, I settled in for a little late afternoon wine with the cute neighbors. Gotta start somewhere!
Two glasses in, the climber calls with sweet excitement in his voice. He has landed safely. His friend has picked him up but can no longer hang out tonight. He can still see me. Everything works out. Everyone is happy. Yeah, except for the fact that I am still feeling hurt and therefor acting like a bitch. He easily picks up on the distance between us. “Aren’t you excited to see me?” he asks. Something shakes loose in me. I snap out of it. Yes! Yes I am excited to see you. It is that very reason why I am acting nutty. Then the wine told him how pissed I was, how hurt I was, how cold I had become thinking that I wasn’t going to get to see him tonight. I fell silent, waiting for the reaction on the other end of the line. But it didn’t come. Only an inaudible smile. He was delighted by my frustration. I think he was actually honored and relieved to have elicited a physical reaction in me. Now he had some indication of how I felt about him. Apparently, I hold my emotional cards close to my chest.
When I got to his house later, the wine had worn off, but the tongue was just getting warmed up. The love was flowing smoothly but the honestly flood gates burst open uncontrollably. This poor, beautiful man maintained his gorgeous self even as I verbally vomited all over him for the next 60 minutes. I told him all about my desire to stab back at him after feeling hurt by him. He heard me. Still didn’t judge me. I launched into how I didn’t like the experience of missing him. He didn’t get offended. Still held me. Then the tirade of baby stoppers, vaginal health and even safer sex. He agreed. Still didn’t waiver in his loving of me. Now that I was on a roll, I figured I might as well go for broke. There were the things that were looming, things I hadn’t shared yet. Things that I hadn’t lied about, but held back out of kindness. He knew I was seeing other guys, he just didn’t know I was also writing about it. Writing about him. Adventures in Pleasure Dating was revealed! The jig was up. This one warranted a reaction. His energy sunk and I got scared. Was I going to lose this guy because I was choosing to amuse myself with wildly inappropriate men I wasn’t even interested in? His honesty matched mine. “I don’t like it. I am not going to tell you what to do. I just don’t want to hear about it.” And there it was. The freedom I had been grasping for all week. The freedom to do exactly what I desired and not be judged or reprimanded. And in that moment of acknowledged freedom, I got clear. I don’t want to see those other guys. I just want to see this one.
“I have one more thing to tell you,” I said.
He took a deep and brave breath and asked if we could sit down. I can only imagine what he expected was coming next. On the couch, I turned into a bumbling idiot. I hid my face in the crook of my elbow and spoke through a veil of arm. Every time I looked up at him, a fit of giggles exploded from my face. What a dummy! Somehow I told him that I had thought I wanted to tell him this for a while. I just didn’t want to tell him while we were at the show, or while drinking or making love. Pure terror oozed from his eyes. What on earth could she be building up to? Giggles galore. “Okay fine! I am just going to say it. I LOVE YOU! I do. And you don’t have to say it back. I was just expressing everything and it just didn’t make sense not to express this when it feels so present. And it’s my love and I can do whatever I want with it………and……” The rambling would have continued indefinitely had I not lifted my head and witnessed the beaming smile on my beloved’s face. I could actually see his heart swelling in his chest. Like everything else I had revealed tonight, this too was received well.
I have graduated. I am now blissfully on The One Man Plan.
