The Man Who Raped Me Has Died – Struggling With Emotions
Today I found out my rapist has died. The phonecall from the police was surreal. I laughed when I was told. I actually laughed. Ill be honest my first reaction was happiness. He was gone. What he did to me is a blog post on here so now I guess this is the final chapter.
After I got off the phone I spoke to Emma (Supermum). I told her and Emma asked me how I felt.
I told her I was happy at first but as the momments go by im finding more and more I feel sick to my stomach. I feel cheated. How dare he die? The man on the phone asked if I wanted to know how he died so I said no. It doesnt matter to me how, its the fact hes gone that matters.
He was in prison and while he was there I was safe, but also he was paying for his crimes. There were 7 of us living with what he had done to us, and possibly more we dont know about. The police feared he hadent stopped at us.
The only way I ever felt in control of myself was when he was in prison. I could imagine him suffering, being denied his life, his freedom. It comforted me to think of him that way. But by dying hes got off. Hes collected his get out of jail free card and gone straight to nothing.
Hes not suffering now
I want him to suffer
I need him to suffer
He made me suffer
What do I do now hes dead?
I dont want to be the one thats left to pay the price of his actions.
Theres lots of conflicting thoughts tilting through my mind. Im swinging from elation he cant hurt anyone now, to guilt im so happy, to sad hes gone. Im not going to miss him but now hes gone im off balance and feel strange. It seems wrong hes off the hook now. Why should he be?
In all these years I never once considered he would die.
Now hes gone what he did can be laid to rest, I can exorcise the last demon. He didnt deserve life, but I had to know he lived , this driving thirst for revenge, but the revenge is never going to come now. Its a very bitter pill to swallow. Im not sure how to make my peace with that.
I think its going to take a long process to figure out how im meant to feel. Its so conflicting. I dont feel safe now which is stupid. He cant hurt me, but my safety net is gone.
Why couldnt he have just done one decent thing and stayed alive in jail?
Does this mean hes won?
Hes never going to answer my questions now. Hes never going to look me in the eye and tell me why. But even now I can see his blue eyes staring through me like they did that night. I can feel the ties around my wrist cut into me. Its so real I just caught myself checking my wrist. Theres nothing there of course, its just my mind, but its stinging and burning.
The kicker here is theres no winner . I havent won. And neither has he. And if theres no winner then was everything all for nothing?
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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