The Family - Another TV Pilot I Wrote

CHAPTER ONE - THE FAMILY
O. BLACK SCREEN
We see the words "CHAPTER ONE - THE FAMILY" appear on the screen in rich white lettering.
1. INT. BATHROOM, QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
The opening scene is set in the cramped wooden bathroom, almost like an indoor outhouse. The toilet is a squat clay pot, almost like a slightly large jug, painted in flaking white Dulux. PA QUINCE, bald, fat, tall, with a hangdog brown moustache, looking like a Germanic butcher is sitting on the toilet in thick Lederhosen-type brown leather shorts, washing himself with a large scrubbing brush that he constantly places in the adjacent sink and then scrubs himself all over his hairy chest and armpits, as there is no shower.
PA QUINCE (to the tune of the Sailor's Hornpipe)
Ting-a-ling, God damn, find a woman if you can.
If you can't find a woman, find a clean old man.
If you're ever in Gibraltar, take a flying course with Walter.
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?
Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?
Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Do they make a lusty clamor when you hit them with a hammer?
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?
Suddenly, we hear a knocking from MA QUINCE.
MA QUINCE (shrill, Irish, matronly, OOV)
Pa, get out!
PA QUINCE (briefly hesistant)
I'm washing myself. I feel cold.
MA QUINCE (OOV, moaning)
You have a cold in yer kidneys? You were sitting on that damp wall, and you weren't wearing a coat or two pairs of shorts!
PA QUINCE (angry)
No, it's not a cold in your kidneys!
MA QUINCE (determined, OOV)
Well, you'll get one!
PA QUINCE (confident)
No, it's on full heat, t'water is.
MA QUINCE (OOV)
Defi-night-ly dry, then?
PA QUINCE (shakes head)
No, it's wet!
MA QUINCE
Yes, I know, but hot like, yes?
PA QUINCE (tired)
Yes, wife!
MA QUINCE (OOV, worried)
Good, sure there's an awful draft 'round here.
PA QUINCE (slightly stressed)
Well, find the source and thwart it, then!
MA QUINCE (OOV, determined)
I will. (To one of her children) You not bringing a coat, Gabriel?
GABE (OOV, high voice)
No, Ma, it's fine!
MA QUINCE (OOV, joyous)
It's that Seven-Up, flat Seven-Up. Does woncers, that flat semi-lime-ade.
PA QUINCE (continues singing, washing, reaches up one hand, takes a newspaper from the shelf above, reads it, holding one hand, while washing with the other)
Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you bounce 'em off the wall like an Indian rubber ball?
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?
Do your balls hang low? Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Do you get a funny feeling when you hang 'em from the ceiling?
You'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low.
MA QUINCE (OOV, knocks on door)
You reading the paper? Can we stop buying it? We have the telly and Sky, and the kids have the 'inter' on the 'puter.
PA QUINCE (angry)
I don't care if we read it. We're buying the paper.
2. INT. CORRIDOR, QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
CUT - We see MA QUINCE peering outside among the very retro lemon-walled thick brown-carpeted corridor, beside one of those large separate freezers horizontally placed and resembling a cryogenic coffin. She is a lady in dress and apron, gray hair in a tight silver-grey bun, and a wizened yet smiling face, not too old. GABE is in the corner, somewhere between twelve and fifteen, dressed in dungarees and nothing else perhaps bar a cowboy hat, feather-haired, blond, freckly, with an element of the feral child about him. He is holding a large tub of ice cream.
MA QUINCE (to GABE)
Gabriel, ice cream, eh? In a bowl or in a wafer?
GABE (clueless)
Bowl?
MA QUINCE (pets her son on the cheek)
Of course, the bigger serving! I'll leave a wafer in there, so you can have the option, right?
GABE (tired)
Okay, thanks.
MA QUINCE (authoritative)
Now, you eat it in the kitchen, right?
GABE (tired)
Right.
MA QUINCE (stops GABE, as he walks away)
By the way, eat your crusts, they'll give your curls.
GABE (angrily pleading)
I don't want curls. Dad says short straight close-cropped hair suits me.
MA QUINCE (tut-tutting, "gerrells" an alternative pronunciation of "girls")
Ah, never mind, I'll keep them for the gerrells.
GABE (nods, runs off)
Okay.
3. INT. KITCHEN, QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
In the kitchen, its walls adorned with gaudy floral flock wallpaper and slippery linoleum floors, there is a big table, a big woodentable with bony wooden chairs adorned with floral cushions and mint green teatowels. There is a big white 1950s fridge engulfed in chintzy fridge magnets. There is an old stove with a flaking yellow livery. GABE is in the corner, by the sink, sitting on a barstool, listening to muzak on a radio while eating his ice cream, in a bowl with wafers sticking out.  Sitting there are MA and PA's two daughters, ROSIE and VIOLET. ROSIE is somewhere between eighteen and twenty-four, studious, pig-tails slung at the back of her head, big DEIRDRE RACHID glasses, dowdy yet sexy on the inside. VIOLET is seemingly child-like, somewhere between twelve and fifteen, GABE's twin sister, and dressed in a floaty nightgown, holding a stuffed toy, innocent and pure. The girls are eating a ghastly-looking and distinctly brown 'Black Forest Gateau', dripping with overlaid chocolate sauce that is more like brown water.
VIOLET (dousing the cake with a bowl of sickly yellow custard)
If there's no custard, there's no serving!
ROSIE (dreary)
Hello, Pa, hey all, what's going on inside your dried rotten brain, Gabe Boy?
CLOSE-UP - GABE is slightly confused.
GABE (eating ice cream, barely audible)
What do you mean, sis?
MA QUINCE (friendly, breaking the ice)
Ah, kiddies, stop it now! You're lucky with your ice cream and your hi-tech Stylophones and Simple Simons. In my day, all we ate was potatoes and cabbage water, and a nice bit of bread and sugar on the weekend if you were lucky.
ROSIE (tough, tired of hearing her mother's lies)
Stop going on about how much things were awful back then. It's all exaggerating, to make us feel lucky about ourselves. I saw you licking ice creams when you and Dad were on your first date. You were at least, I don't know what age you were, but you were still virgins.
MA QUINCE (stops ROSIE)
That was his money. He could afford more coming from an affluent family.
VIOLET (simple)
While you came from an effluent family?
MA QUINCE (nodding, wistful)
Yes, our business was fertiliser and manure. Daddy used to load up the lorries with barrels and barrels full of refined cow and sheep excrement, and he and Uncle Margaret would drive down the hill.
GABE (stops MA QUINCE)
Uncle Margaret?
VIOLET (stopping MA QUINCE, who is about to speak)
It was once common to give men the names of their mother.
MA QUINCE (wistful, worried)
Yes, but that's not the reason.
ROSIE (about to leave, nervous)
Oh kay...
MA QUINCE (suspicious)
Where are you going?
1
ROSIE (matter of fact)
Eh, to the shower?
MA QUINCE (moaning)
That shampoo isn't good enough. You need that dear shampoo.
VIOLET (tired out)
I'm bored.
GABE (quietly)
So am I.
MA QUINCE (motherly but authoritative)
You're not bored. Gabe, clean up that tip of a room you have. Violet, you do the dishes. That's what I call women's work.
ROSIE (angry)
That is sexist!
MA QUINCE (laughing, lighting a candle at the center of the table)
Not when a woman says it!
VIOLET (confused)
Where's Duke?
MA QUINCE (gossiping)
He's out, acquiring goods. He's wearing that lovely and bright salmon shirt your Cousin Bernie brought him! By the way, hear about yer wan Bridgie? Pregnant!
ROSIE (rolls eyes)
We know!
4. INT. STAIRS, CORRIDOR, FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
We see GABE walking up the narrow wooden staircase, hidden behind a sliding door in the corridor. As he walks up, PA QUINCE gets out of the BATHROOM, still bare-chested. ROSIE stands by, about to enter the BATHROOM.
PA QUINCE (surprised)
Rose?
ROSIE (confused)
Pa?
PA QUINCE (about to leave)
Never mind!
5. INT. GABE'S UPSTAIRS BEDROOM, FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
We see that GABE's ROOM is in the ATTIC, the shape of the roof forming his ceiling. His BEDROOM is cramped, and has a bunkbed, presumably shared with either his brother DUKE or twin sister VIOLET. It is very plain and almost tidy. Rows of books and AIRFIX model kits sit on the window sill or on shelves. We see bare wooden floorboards. A baseball bat is hung on the wall. On his desk, on the right of the set, we see a leather-bound diary, one of those brass-ball-bearings-on-a-string office toys perhaps stolen from a hippie, a Rubik's cube, bits of Meccano or Tinkertoys, a spanner, some red, rhinestone-studded rollerskates, a jackal skull, a can of silver paint and some 1970s horror/sci-fi magazines, eg. Famous Monsters of Filmland or Fangoria from that era. A SWISS ARMY KNIFE is left on the bedroom cabinet, beside a shaving mirror and a half-eaten digestive biscuit. A large wardrobe sits out at the edge of the room. GABE piles the few books and astray pieces of clothing into one load and throws them into the wardrobe.
GABE (calling MA QUINCE)
Finished!
6. INT. LIVING ROOM, QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
CUT - MA is on the sofa, in the LIVING ROOM, watching TV. It is both quiant and shocking. The radiators are painted pink. A boar's head trophy hangs over the sofa, a big couch with a soft cotton fabric, illustrated with gaudy green images of flowers intertwined with blue arrows that make up heart-shaped knots. Beside the sofa is a little bedside table for the cordless bakelite rotary-dial cell phone. The wallpaper is yellow with a yellow pig print illustrated throughout. The carpet is a fuzzy brown shagpile, like tons of fur coats stuck to the ground with reoccuring nails. There is a record player and a record stand, mostly filled with vinyls of recordings by JAMES LAST AND HIS ORCHESTRA. The TV, a mid-70s model with a Betamax video player on the top is on the right. It is on a little tray with various tapes on the bottom, including a fictitious ROGER MOORE "JAMES BOND" motion picture "Risiko - The Hildebrand Rarity' - starring JACK PALANCE as the villain, MILTON KREST (the Warner Home video (on license from United Artists) cover shows MOORE-BOND, standing on a tropical airstrip in full safari suit and pith helmet aiming a rifle, in the background a mushroom cloud with PALANCE's face imprinted on it). The VHS tray is beside a vinyl record/cassette tape stereo system in shining silver armor. GABE comes down.
MA QUINCE (friendly)
Ah, Gabe, you have the figure of someone who's done his work well!
GABE (pleased)
I know, well...
PA QUINCE comes in, looking shifty.
PA QUINCE (self-proud)
I was looking in the paper.
MA QUINCE (pensive)
What happened, Pa?
PA QUINCE (quiet, neither sad or happy)
Yer man Francie died.
MA QUINCE (confused)
Who?
GABE (slightly confused)
Is that the bloke from the bingo hall?
PA QUINCE (quiet)
Yes, that's him?
MA QUINCE (still confused)
Who?
GABE (trying to explain)
Big Frank Wall, mean old fella with the eye-patch!
MA QUINCE (shakes head)
No, can't place him! How old was he? What hair did he have?
GABE (trying to wrack his brain)
Bald, aged.
PA QUINCE (trying to turn his thoughts into words)
Mid-fifties to early eighties, perhaps an extremely well-preserved nineties.
MA QUINCE (quizzical)
Speaking voice?
PA QUINCE (trying to think)
Used to speak in a huffed, deep voice.
GABE (well-presented)
Used to live on a diet of barbecue beef Hula Hoops and Pot Noodles, and slept rough in a red Fiat Panda!
MA QUINCE (has a brainwave)
Yes, I know who it is. I know who you mean, now. Yes, the auld bald lad with the eye-patch and the cup of Pot Noodle. Mean old divil.
GABE (suddenly announcing)
Can I get a job?
PA QUINCE (surprised)
But you have a job, packing meat for us! We pay you good, so you never run out of food or clothes.
GABE (yearning for something better)
Yes, but something fun!
PA QUINCE (trying to make meat-packing sound better than it is)
Meat packing is fun! Slabs of meat make me happy!
MA QUINCE (curious)
What do you want to be?
GABE (bursts into song, to tune of "GOLDEN BROWN" by "THE STRANGLERS")
Paper round, roaming the streets.
Paper round, dropping flat Mirrors.
Onto the doorsteps of old bid-ees
Too lazy to go out
Hence Paper round.
Every time I go out,
I want to explore.
More than redbrick fronts and garden gnomes
I want to see where the cul-de-sacs end.
Paper round, through the town.
Paper round from Arklow to Greystones,
May hitch a ride with a passing bus
If that doesn't work, don't make a fuss.
PA QUINCE (worried, stops GABE)
Hmm, maybe you need something with the same hint of exploration and adventure.
7. EXT. QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
CUT - Outside we see that the FARMHOUSE is a neat little timberboard bungalow of Germanic design with lace-cut wainscoting. It is surrounded by various sheds and farm machinery, including a broken Ford tractor. At the back is a slightly larger shed, the ABATTOIR. ALthough it is day, it is quite dark and wintry. The large loose exra-roofing, a large of corrugated tin roofing stops light from covering the abattoir. Out of the shade/shadows created by the roofing we see someone and something rise out of the fog and shadows. We see a still MILK FLOAT and COUSIN JOHN PAUL, a ginger-haired, pale, gormless-looking milkman. This is accompanied by music not unlike but legally not identical to the theme tune to the television series "THE EQUALIZER", with the words "THE MILKMAN" appearing at the bottom of the screen in futuristic orange neon italics. Towards the end, the CAMERA closes up on COUSIN JOHN PAUL, trying his best to look sinister and brooding.
8. INT. LIVING ROOM, QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
CUT - GABE looks slightly confused and then laughs.
GABE (barely able to keep a straight face)
No, I like Cousin John Paul, but I think I'm too clumsy for the milk business.
MA QUINCE (voice of reason)
I think the boy is right. His clumsiness is a factor. We need to find something that he is able to.
PA QUINCE (slightly disappointed)
I guess you are right.
MA QUINCE (calls ROSIE)
Rosie, where are you? Surely, you must have finished your shower by now, silly girl!
ROSIE (OOV, not amused)
Yes, but what do you want me to do? I've done enough scrubbing the shite in the shower. Was Gabe pissing in here again?
GABE tries to look both innocent and ignorant, at the same time.
GABE (sounding suspiciously smarmy)
I best be going.
GABE runs out of the room.
PA QUINCE (to ROSIE)
Rosie, you can do the milk!
ROSIE (OOV)
Thanks!
9. EXT. QUINCE FARMHOUSE, DAY, IRELAND
We see ROSIE going out, dressed in her Sunday Best. COUSIN JOHN PAUL stands there, looking as if he has disturbingly scored his first date. ROSIE looks at him with a cheeky smile.
ROSIE (flirting)
Let's ride this big boy, Buck!
COUSIN JOHN PAUL (excitingly nervous)
Is it a sin?
ROSIE (feigning innocence)
A sin to what?
COUSIN JOHN PAUL (wiping the sweat off his brow)
Oh, never mind, ride along on the hard trail!
The MILK FLOAT rides off, ROSIE hanging on, as it enters into the distance, into the thick green hills beyond the FARMHOUSE and its FARM.
10. INT. KITCHEN, QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
MA and PA dance into the KITCHEN, united in a kind of drunken waltz, both of them tunelessly humming an ersatz STRAUSS-like ditty.
PA QUINCE (stretches arms out)
I'm tired.
MA QUINCE (helpful)
You need a rest?
PA QUINCE (tired)
An eye-rest!
MA QUINCE (correcting PA)
You need a nap?
PA QUINCE (angry)
Not a NAP! AN EYE-REST!
GABE (coming in to enter the fridge)
Real men take eye-rests.
PA QUINCE (nods)
That's right, son.
MA QUINCE (complaining)
To be honest, I don't see any difference.
GABE (laughing)
Only men know the difference.
GABE exits.
PA QUINCE (sits down to read the paper, has a cup of tea)
That TD's an absolute eejit. Sure, it's more about informing than being informed.
VIOLET enters the scene.
VIOLET (peering over her father's shoulder)
Another teenage violent gang murder, eh?
MA QUINCE (moaning, matter of fact)
It's the drugs, makes them all serial killers. Sure, remember Father Cluskey? Ran off with the rich English lad's daughter! Apparently, she was all mad due to sniffing weeds, and she got him hooked on the stuff!
VIOLET (curious)
Where's the scissors?
MA QUINCE (friendly)
They're in the glass bowl.
VIOLET (holds a pair of incredibly blunt, thick scissors)
Where's the GOOD scissors?
MA QUINCE (worried)
They're dangerous, you know! They're in the second drawer below the sink, if you are very careful.
VIOLET (rolls eyes)
Does everything matter? Is there no sense of fun in your lives?
PA QUINCE (sudden realisation)
I just realised. I need to get your brother. Duke is coming down the road with the meats, beefs, beef that is not pink, not as long as if it doesn't look particularly poisonous!
MA QUINCE (nodding)
It must be left on for ten minutes at least in order to be edible.
PA QUINCE (in agreement)
Exactly! By the way, change your dress!
VIOLET (unhappy)
But it is comfortable!
MA QUINCE (moaning)
Put on something decent! I don't care 'bout comfort. It is all about decency. Decency is what matters.
PA QUINCE (nods, perhaps smoking a pipe)
Indeed it is.
Suddenly, GABE rushes in, panting. He is covered in green slime. His blond hair looks suspiciously longer beneath the several layers of slime.
GABE (moaning under all the stress and slime)
One of the cows exploded.
PA QUINCE (shocked)
You must be joking.
GABE (distressed)
I don't joke about things. You know that.
PA QUINCE (nods)
All right, I understand. By the way, just wondering, which cow was it?
GABE (nervous)
Enoch!
PA QUINCE (suddenly erupts into a tantrum)
Not Enoch!
11. INT. ABATTOIR, QUINCE FARM, IRELAND, DAY
CUT - THE ABATTOIR is a white room, clinical with stained tiles and plain walls coated in multiple layers of cream paint, each splattered with blood and guts. We see what appear to be wooden picnic tables, with a variety of odd and unusual devices laid on them, mainly camping equipment and butcher's tools and the odd baking instrument.The prize cow is wrapped up in brown paper like one big parcel, but it is now dead, a pile of green slime-encrusted guts with a brown rug of hair slung over  it. PA and GABE are hung over it, looking studious.
PA QUINCE (smoking a pipe, in an intellectual position)
I have a plan.
GABE (evil smile)
Cannibalism, eh?
PA QUINCE (nods, holding pipe in mouth)
Uh huh, you not happy?
GABE (sarcastic)
Happy, happy, yes, of course I am happy. Happy to resort to eating my best friend, once she has been put through a mincer!
PA QUINCE (having second thoughts)
Okay, that was a not so good idea. we have to find what made Enoch the brown cow explode.
GABE (suggestive)
We have to re-assemble her body and find how they were blown apart, and what happened.
PA QUINCE (dips his finger into the slime)
You weren't feeding Enoch tractor diesel, were you?
GABE (shakes head)
Of course not, can you smell it?
PA QUINCE (nods)
Indeed, sure smells  like it is, because someone was feeding him the stuff.
GABE (curious)
But who would want to kill her like this? You can't eat her now! She's absolutely wasted, the poor thing!
PA QUINCE (strokes chin)
I do wonder, I wonder why.
VIOLET (walks out)
Cousin John Paul rang. Rosie has gone to the shops, but his entire milk supply has vanished, while he was driving, and there was no splash-signs!
PA QUINCE looks mystified.
12. EXT. QUINCE FARMHOUSE, DAY, IRELAND
COUSIN JOHN PAUL arrives in his MILK FLOAT, filled with empty bottles.
COUSIN JOHN PAUL (weeping)
Oh, why me, why me? Why did they have to do it? Who were they? Why did they choose me? Why did they choose my float? Why not someone else? Why not Percy O'Shea? Why not I will never know!
VIOLET (comforting COUSIN JOHN PAUL)
It is okay. Don't be afraid of the unknown.
COUSIN JOHN PAUL (still weeping)
I know. I could here slurping behind me, as if someone was using a straw behind my back to drink all of the bottles of milk without me noticing, but I thought it was a lapse of air from the tire. Then, I checked on the way back here and I was wrong. I found a straw left in one of the bottles.
COUSIN JOHN PAUL hands VIOLET a striped red and white straw.
VIOLET (takes out a small portable microscope-type device)
Signs of bacon rashers left in the straw. That is our only clue, it seems.
PA QUINCE (suspicious)
That's it.
12. EXT. QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
CUT - We see PA QUINCE and VIOLET outside, analysing the milk bottles, looking for signs of bacon. VIOLET is using tweezers to try to get bits of bacon out. GABE is in the background, with a selection of PIGS, with an outboard motor on a shopping trolley in the background.
CUT - The PIGS (eight of them) are slowly moving in the corner of the barn. They are moving, revived by electricity (from the outboard motor placed on the shopping trolley) to heat their flesh, their bodies connected via thin metal wires wound and wound, electricity traveling across them. Their mouths helplessly salivate sparks. They try to go near VIOLET, almost as if they recognize her, but the wires disable them from going too far, snapping them back to their rightful place.
PA QUINCE (looks busy)
Good work, sedating those pigs, Gabe!
GABE gives PA QUINCE a thumbs-up, a dirty look and walks off with the the PIGS, the trolley trailing behind him.
VIOLET (confused)
I thought those pigs were dead.
PA QUINCE (gleeful)
Ah, they are, they are! The electricity revives them, heats them, and keeps their flesh fresh, just in time for midweek roast!
CUT - ROSIE suddenly comes in, riding a BULLDOZER (yellow, its paint flaking away, its front lined with hooks) in one hand, and holding a chainsaw in another. The bulldozer goes straight towards the MILK FLOAT, mangling and flattening it. As the BULLDOZER  passes it, we see that the MILK FLOAT is now just a pile of white rubble, with a sprinkling of red (due to the crushed, shattered siren).
ROSIE (looks innocent)
I'm sorry.
PA QUINCE (angry)
You ruined our investigation.
ROSIE (calm)
I know. But I have good news.
VIOLET (curious)
What is it?
ROSIE (quiet)
Well, you see, you know the estate next door?
PA QUINCE (nods)
What, Farmer Duck's?
ROSIE (nods back in agreement)
Yes, indeed. Ever since Farmer Duck moved off to join his spinster sister in comfort in the Austrian suburbs of Goodnight, Vienna, that house has been empty. But I saw a bus entering it, and a sign reading "SOLD!".
VIOLET (curious)
What kind of bus?
ROSIE (matter of fact)
A ramshackle old double-decker, covered in hippie tat!
PA QUINCE looks shifty.
PA QUINCE (calling MA QUINCE)
Ma, we have trouble!
MA QUINCE rushes in.
MA QUINCE (worried)
What is it?
PA QUINCE (steely)
Get the rifle! We might be in for a bumpy ride!
EXTREME CLOSE-UP on PA QUINCE's shifty eyes.
CUT - MA QUINCE suddenly pulls out a rifle.
CHAPTER TWO - THE PIRATES
13. EXT. FARM NEXT DOOR, IRELAND, DAY
The title "THE PIRATES" appear in front of rolling green mellows.
CUT - We see MA QUINCE, PA QUINCE, GABE, ROSIE and VIOLET looking stealthy, climbing over a leisurely green meadow. They are walking towards a farm with a large wooden fence around it, as if it is a Chinese prison. We hear glam rock music being played on loudspeakers placed on the top of the fence, the likes of SLADE. We see a metal American style bread-shaped mail-box with the words "Welkum 2 'Ome" written with deliberate misspellings.
ROSIE (groans)
Clearly didn't go to school, then!
PA QUINCE (snotty)
Hmm, you know they might be Brummies!
VIOLET (huffing, puffing)
Don't be so racist!
PA QUINCE (sad)
I'm not!
MA QUINCE walks over to the gate and knocks.
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (OOV, thick West Midlands English accent)
Who are you?
ROSIE (shouting)
We're the neighbours!
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (OOV, cheerful)
Ooh, you are welcome! Come in and have a cup of tea!
VIOLET (suspicious)
Watch it, it might be a trap!
MA QUINCE (rolls eyes)
It might be a trap, oh, cheer up, it's a free cup of tea. I'd never turn that!
VIOLET (fearful)
They stole the milk!
PA QUINCE (whispering)
We know. We're coming in to find why. We're investigating, remember!
VIOLET (nods, whispering)
I know, I know, I am trying to create a cover-up.
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (OOV, cheery)
What's this I hear of a cover-up?
VIOLET rolls her eyes, closes her eyes and covers her ears.
MA QUINCE (gossiping)
She's just suspicious, she's a bit of a conspiracy theorist, our VIOLET!
The gates suddenly open up. We see a well, and a pop-eyed grey-skinned humanoid in a monk's habit with scales on his face. His face could easily be a papier-mache Halloween mask. This is FISH-FACE.
FISH-FACE (mumbling West Country accent)
Hello, folks! I am Fish-Face, master of the seafood for the Gastronomic Economic Board and Trust of Great Britain and Ireland.
The FAMILY look disconcerted.
PA QUINCE (shaking FISH-FACE's rubbery hand)
Hello, I am Pa. My wife is Pa. The tall girl is Rose, the short one is Violet. The lad is Gabriel.
FISH-FACE welcomes them through the gates, surrounded by wrecked caravans and rubbish on the floors, in the manner of a junkyard.
MA QUINCE (whispering in PA QUINCE's ear)
I don't understand.
VIOLET (before PA QUINCE can speak)
None of us can!
GABE suddenly runs over a barrel and notices the seemingly endless supply of milk within it.
GABE (staring down)
This is the milk stolen from Cousin John Paul's.
MA QUINCE (pats GABE on the back)
We'll tell him when we get back.
CUT - We see that FARMER DUCK'S HOUSE is almost flattened by a caricatured, over-sized rainbow-coloured double-decker bus that seems to be more of a DOUBLE-DECKER COACH, because of its size.
PA QUINCE (angry)
Where's Farmer Duck?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (approaching, rising out of the shadows, sinister, thick Wolverhampton accent)
We tarred him, feathered him and ate him for breakfast.
VIOLET (scared)
You can't be serious?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD rises out to be a tall, jolly ceramic-skinned, hard-faced slightly Uncanny Valley-esque creature, resembling a tanned waxwork, a round egg-like head, large round eyes, but human-like and not too cartoony, with a huge wispy beard and sideburns constructed from an omelet AND eggy beard, mashed together to form a single grotesque whole. He is dressed in swaddling white robes, like an Evangelist but with a holster for a musket.
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (gives peace-sign, a bit hippy-dippy)
Of course, I'm not bloody serious. He's in Catterick!
GABE (quizzical)
And you are?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (eccentric, genial)
Neville Eggbeard, but close friends call me Captain or Eggy!
ROSIE (rude, abrasive)
How did you get your beard?
MA QUINCE (outraged)
Rose, don't be so rude!
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (laughing)
No, she isn't. Curiosity is the mother of invention. I got it when my chin was burnt after me elder brother Dave dumped me into a pot of eggs and stuff at the diner our mam worked at. And soon afterward, I began growing this beard.
VIOLET (morbidly curious)
But your surname is Eggbeard.
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (genial)
I changed me name by deed-poll, to make people know that I was aware of me affliction. Then, I met other outcasts like Fish-Face, his Eel-Wife Brenda, known to most as Eel-Wife and Baconbreath who is in the kitchen mixing some cocktails.
VIOLET (curious)
Can we have some cocktails?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (sadly shakes his head)
No, best not, they're for us. Specially designed for our metabolisms only, alas. (Calls out) Baconbreath, you there?
Suddenly, the hunch-backed BACONBREATH, moon-faced, buck-teeth, long shaggy hair, dressed in RUPERT BEAR trousers and a leather jacket walks out, arms flailing and legs limply darting along.
BACONBREATH (West Midlands accent obscured by teeth)
Hullo, mateys, that's not your milk, you know.
GABE (angrily)
It is!
Soon, GABE rips his dungarees and shirt off. He screams and goes into full-on BRUCE LEE IMITATION mode,  screaming incomprehensible moans, as he karate chops BACONBREATH and then uses a KUNG FU GRIP.
EELWIFE (rises out, squeaky, Pepperpot-type voice)
Calm down, calm down, it's only milk!
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (finger in the air)
Yes, who can forget the phrase "No crying over spilt milk?"
GABE (sadly)
I do.
MA QUINCE (mumbling sadly)
Nonsense.
PA QUINCE (quiet)
I said that phrase three years ago, when the miracle happened when Enoch's udders urinated blue milk!
ROSIE (rolls eyes)
That was impossible. Udders are not genitals. It wasn't urination. It was spraying.
PA QUINCE (gruff)
Well, whatever the difference, it was the same method, I insist.
GABE runs off, quick and deadly. PA chases him. PA manages to sneak the barrel of milk back, merely by doing a rough approximation of a ballet-type pirouette but in the least graceful manner imaginable.
14. INT. GABE'S UPSTAIRS BEDROOM, FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, DAY
CUT - GABE carries the barrel into his bedroom, in with the help of PA and COUSIN JOHN PAUL, who nods.
COUSIN JOHN PAUL (cheerful)
Sorry, just fetching the milk!
COUSIN JOHN PAUL carries the large BARREL back downstairs. The bedroom is quite bare, a brass bunk bed with a thin sheet over it (on the left), and bare wooden floorboards. A cricket bat is hung on the wall. On his desk, on the right of the set, we see a leather-bound diary, one of those brass-ball-bearings-on-a-string office toys perhaps stolen from a hippie, a Rubik's cube, bits of Meccano or Tinkertoys, a spanner, some red, rhinestone-studded rollerskates, a jackal skull, a can of silver paint and perhaps some 1970s horror/sci-fi magazines, eg. Famous Monsters of Filmland or Fangoria from that era.
GABE (enthusiastic)
This will prove they are the food crooks. They said they were from a Gastro-Economic board, or some such cobblers. That means they're interested in livestock and such.
PA (unsure)
Are you sure this is the solution? Can't we just put it in the oven?
GABE (laughing his PA off)
No, Pa, this Frankendog, as I call it, is a mobile oven. You place the meat from the bodies onto the moulds, which is the heated by the electricity generated by the movements of the dog, its conductors being its tail and its fork tongue, which is in fact a fork!
LAP-DISSOLVE/CUT - It is now about an hour later. The FRANKENDOG is complete, its head a silver-painted, partially mechanised jackal skull, its tongue an old fork, its front legs two old poles wearing the rollerskates, its ribcage perfectly moulded with slots to place the meat, its tail an electric conductor forevever sizzling with sparks. The DOG (in a possibly stop-motion scene) charmingly walks about, wagging its tail, and firing off sparks. CUT - The sparks hit the wallpaper and blaze a hole through it, revealing piles of bins of rubbish in the shower.
15. EXT. FARM NEXT DOOR, IRELAND, DAY
FRANKENDOG, GABE and PA QUINCE walk through the GATES and FENCE towards CAPTAIN EGGBEARD. CAPTAIN EGGBEARD initially does not bat an eye-lid, but then screams and leads the others back into the bus.
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (shouty)
Baconbreath, Eelwife Brenda, Fish-Face, they know our secret! Run in! I have a plan!
PA and MA QUINCE and their kids - ROSIE, GABE and VIOLET clap hands in recognition and approval.
FRANKENDOG fires a lash of blue lightning from his conductor-tail which hits FISH-FACE, the last to enter the BUS. FISH-FACE is electrocuted and begins to melt, his eyes falling off, reduced to a flailing, melting, steaming RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK-style mess.
GABE (delightful)
We did it!
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (creepy, disembodied ghostly voice, OOV)
This ain't over! You'll find our secret!
VIOLET (quizzical)
Don't you mean that we won't find your secret?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (OOV, gleeful)
No, you will, you will! It's a trap, do you not get it?
VIOLET (laughing)
And traps are clues, especially when they're easy to avoid!
We hear a single groan from CAPTAIN EGGBEARD, whose face is seen through one of the windows of the BUS, as he pulls down the blinds. He looks sceptical, and seems to be in a thinking mood.
16. INT. BUS, DAY
CUT - We see the BUS has TARDIS-like capabilities, being (only  slightly, one must realise) bigger on the inside with a 50s-retro RAYGUN GOTHIC interior, as if someone styled a caravan after the 1980 remake of FLASH GORDON. We see the melting remains of FISH-FACE, layed out on a stretcher. We see that the CARAVAN, apart from the overhead conveyor belt, combined fryer/mincer and such is just like every other caravan/camper van interior, but slightly larger. Caravan magazines, rock magazines, trucking magazines, food and cookery magazines are laid out amongst the Sunday papers on the nominal dining table.
FADE-IN/CUT - Inside the BUS, EGGBEARD oversees a large conveyor belt that leads to a combined mincer/fryer machine, a huge oven containing a vat of whirring blades and hot marinating sauce.
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (upset, with a wry undertone of black humour)
Me friend is dead! The perfect tribute will commence! It's what he wanted. I know, he told me! Bring him in, lads and lass!
BACONBREATH (salutes)
Right-o, Eggy!
CUT - BACONBREATH and EELWIFE carry in FISH-FACE's melted remains, now split in two (for no known reason) and put them on the conveyor belt, alongside a potato sack full of disembodied arms, still reaching out.
VIOLET (breathing a sigh of relief, staring through the window)
At least, he's going to be in a dream situation.
CLOSE-UP - A visceral shot of the arms whirring bloodily in the claws of the fryer/mincer. It is soundtracked to the noise of sizzling electricity and spitting.
17. EXT. IRISH COUNTRYSIDE, IRELAND, LATE DAY, EARLY EVENING
CUT - A brief SHOT of the laughing COUSIN JOHN PAUL, driving away in his MILK FLOAT, now full of milk once more.
18. INT. KITCHEN, QUINCE FARMHOUSE, IRELAND, EARLY EVENING
CUT - In the KITCHEN, PA QUINCE, MA QUINCE, ROSIE, GABE and VIOLET are sitting around the table, laid out with maps and such like a "WAR ROOM" sequence in a war film or spy thriller.
MA QUINCE (determined)
Now that John Paul got his milk back, we need to find did they poison Enoch?
VIOLET (clever)
Yes, they must fed it beef. Cannibalism must have made her vomit and then explode!
MA QUINCE (impressed)
Excellent!
GABE (groaning)
Oh that was my idea.
MA QUINCE (strict)
Yes, but she thought of it independent of you.
ROSIE (interrupting)
What about midweek roast?
MA QUINCE (chirpy)
I have a stuffed goat's head in the fridge, given to me by your father as a present for our recent wedding anniversary.
ROSIE (nods)
I see, but we must trap the others, whatever they are, and why are they stealing food?
VIOLET (clever)
They must be stealing food.
MA QUINCE (confused)
For what?
VIOLET (enthusiastic)
Not for charity, but their own gain. They're robbers, bandits, pirates, food pirates. (Hesitant pause) Gastro-pirates!
We hear the sound of thunder in the background.
PA QUINCE (pipe in mouth)
Tomorrow, let's see if the pirates leave!
The FAMILY smile.
GABE (curious)
Where's Duke?
PA QUINCE (pipe in mouth)
He's late. Going around the county perhaps, delivering meat.
Everyone nods.
19. EXT. FARM NEXT DOOR, EARLY MORNING, IRELAND
CUT - The next day, early morning. We see that it is clearly darker, but not that dark. The sky is darkish red. It's kind of "DAY-FOR-NIGHT", day through a darkened tint. We see the BUS as it trundles off down the country lane.
CUT - ROSIE and VIOLET rise up behind a metal fence, over the hill.
VIOLET (holds a metal pole used for building tents)
Hold this!
ROSIE (confused)
Why?
VIOLET (determined)
We have to set up camp.
ROSIE (confused)
But we only live across the fence!
VIOLET (clever)
We have to double bluff them, use decoys, so they think we're here are not in the bus, once they get back. We can get the others to occupy the tents.
ROSIE sets up the tent, and manically wields a hammer.
CUT - GABE is seen holding a crate. Out of the crate jumps out the sparking, barking FRANKENDOG.
GABE (cheerful)
Go on, boy!
THE FRANKENDOG jumps out and chases the BUS, quietly hopping down. It tries to gnaw at the tyres of the BUS, without getting caught. In the background, we see VIOLET and ROSIE sneak back into the gate.
CUT - Inside the fence, we see what appears to be a dustbin on wheels, slowly coming towards VIOLET.
ROSIE (looking through crack)
What is that, a robot?
VIOLET (trying to think)
Not what, who! It's the remains of Fish-Face. He's not dead, just melting, like fresh ice cream!
CUT - THE ROBOT-BIN FISH-FACE crashes through the gate, and falls over. VIOLET runs in, but ROSIE stands, scared, as the crawling gooey remains of FISH-FACE crawls before her. VIOLET pulls ROSIE away through the gate, away from the crawling menace.
CUT - We see the crushed COTTAGE that belonged to FARMER DUCK, and the WELL. VIOLET climbs into the wall and falls through.
VIOLET (happy)
Whee!
20. INT. FOOD BANK UNDER HILLSIDE, IRELAND
CUT - We see a huge domed underground storehouse under the hill. It resembles a strange gothic Victorian bank crossed with a redbrick shopping arcade, but for fruit and vegetables, with stalls and stalls of greengrocer's wares. VIOLET falls onto a cart of apples and gets up, and looks around in awe. She looks up to a neon sign hung above. It reads "Food Bank - Fruit and Vegetables".
VIOLET (amazed, calling ROSIE)
I was right. It is a food bank.
ROSIE (OOV, slightly dumb but relieved)
That is good. I'll tell the others, while you stay here and look around. Right.
VIOLET (nods)
Right!
VIOLET looks around, presses a lever, which reveals a revolving door. Some of the stalls switch to butcher's and fishmonger's displays. The sign now reads - in neon - "Food Bank - Now with Meat and Fish", and a large lawn-type circle containing a ring of human arms reaching out, as if they were buried upright, still alive. She picks up a letter.
VIOLET (reading the visible letter aloud)
Dear Captain,
My sincerest apologies given the sudden eviction of the storehouse's previous owner, Farmer A.P. Duck who was not aware that he was sitting on such a prestigious property. However, you succeeded in quickly relocating as much of our commodities that we had into the storehouse to create the largest Food Bank owned by the Gastro-Economic Tax Community or GETC in Europe. Our mission is to extend it to the farms next door, so we can hopefully amass enough food in order to sell to the African dictator Idi Ott in exchange for an undisclosed sum.
Yours, the Monte Du Misere
VIOLET (in her own voice)
Oh my god, they plan to get rid of us!
VIOLET sees a cat flap at the bottom of the wall, and puts her hand through it. SHe pulls out an empty glass jar, the words "YELLOW REGGAE" painted on the inside. She then looks and sees a ghostly cow roasting on a spit over a transparent jacuzzi, roasting with hot water.
VIOLET (scared)
They've trapped the ghost of Enoch!
CUT - Suddenly, we hear a thump from above. We see EGGBEARD peering through the hole in the ceiling, with a devilish smile.
EGGBEARD (devilish)
Yes, we delayed the cow's trip to Heaven, all for the ultimate prize - a lifetime supply's worth of Yellow Reggae!
VIOLET throws the empty jar of YELLOW REGGAE into the sky and hits EGGBEARD's face, knocking him unconscious.
EGGBEARD (muttering, as he falls down)
I certainly give two shites about that!
21. EXT. FARM NEXT DOOR, IRELAND, MORNING
CUT - We see on the farm, as the BUS returns, PA QUINCE looking tough.
EELWIFE (shrill)
You'd never harm a woman!
PA QUINCE (showing an apple into her jaws)
Only if I had to, or I didn't love her!
MA QUINCE then pushes EELWIFE aside. The ghost of ENOCH flies under EELWIFE, and she flies away on the cow's back.
GABE (amazed)
ENOCH! They did kill you, poor girl!
BACONBREATH reappears, with a carrot split in two, used as a pair of nunchuks. MA QUINCE uses a rolling pin to mash the carrot.
BACONBREATH (joking around)
Hey, look what I got! A spilt carrot!
ROSIE then appears on the BULLDOZER and pushes him under the hooks.
GABE lassoes the well. VIOLET swings out.
VIOLET (hyperventilating)
Oh goodness, it's terrible! They want to knock us down!
PA QUINCE (horrified, at the dying EGGBEARD)
I'll get you!
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (dying words)
I was going to be paid Yellow Reggae.
VIOLET (confused)
Is that a drug?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (ecstatic)
No, it's like marmalade, but as if made of the sun, and it's only visible when the sun is out! And you can hear it too.
VIOLET (surprisingly threatening)
Who is this Monte du Misere that you work for?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (confused)
He's a bloke.
PA QUINCE (grumpy)
We know that.
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (hoarse)
He's a food dealer. He promised he would send six million pounds worth of food aid to the exotic African jungle kingdom of Nambi-Pambia, ruled over by Idi Ott!
VIOLET (confused)
There's no such place!
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (laughing)
Not in Africa.
ROSIE (confused)
How is it African then?
CAPTAIN EGGBEARD (slow, dying)
It just is. It is down by the road, just turn for Newcastle, then go towards Newtown, and then stop halfway near the odd trees!
VIOLET (salutes)
We know!
22. INT. JUNGLES OF NAMBI-PAMBIA, DAY
We see the PIRATES' BUS, now taken over by the QUINCE FAMILY driving into the dodgy jungle of artificial set-bound dip-dyed leaf-foliage on linked telephone poles of NAMBI-PAMBIA. It gets stuck in mud. We see a parrot puppet in a pith helmet, IDI OTT, hanging on a branch.
IDI OTT (thick accent)
Stop invading my privacy!
GABE (confused)
Who are you?
IDI OTT (conceited)
I am the great leader, Idi Ott.
MA QUINCE (whispering in PA QUINCE's ear)
No one ever said he was a parrot.
IDI OTT (copying)
No one ever said I was a parrot.
VIOLET (quizzical)
What are you then?
IDI OTT (snarky)
What are you then?
ROSIE (confident)
No answers from him!
IDI OTT (snarky)
No answers from me!
VIOLET (amazed)
You're self-aware!
IDI OTT (sarcastic)
I'm self-aware!
Suddenly, we hear the MONTE DU MISERE's rich, succulent, deep educated voice.
MONTE DU MISERE (Mid-Atlantic, pronounced Mis-Ear, OOV)
Now, now, what is this trouble here? We'll have no impressionists around here.
PA QUINCE (hushed)
Who's that?
VIOLET (hushed)
It's the Monte du Misere!
Suddenly, the MONTE DU MISERE appears, a well-dressed middle-aged man in a brown corrugated cardboard suit and tie in brownface, literally glued to the back of a shaggy brown carpet, a kind of shag pile COWARDLY LION.
MONTE DU MISERE (apologetic)
Sorry about that, my mother was a carpet who fell in love with my father, an Anglo-French sailor.
VIOLET (angry)
We live next door to the Food Bank! Why do you want to knock our house down?
IDI OTT (shouty, shrill)
We didn't know it was occupied!
MONTE DU MISERE
Anyway, think of the children, the starving people!
VIOLET (confused)
But there's no people here except you and Idi Ott, if you count parrots!
MONTE DU MISERE (pretending to weep)
They all died.
MA QUINCE (angry)
I call this off as a con!
MONTE DU MISERE (honest)
Okay, we planned to open a supermarket here to earn enough money to buy all the bricks from the dismantled Irish village of Kirrary, as built for David Lean's classic 1970 film "Ryan's Daughter"!
PA QUINCE (wistful)
Ah yes, but I understand your tourism goods, but why didn't you just steal all the bricks, be they from rockeries or other houses? Same principles as stealing food!
MONTE DU MISERE and IDI OTT look at each other in befuddlement and collapse.
PA QUINCE (confused)
What's happened?
VIOLET (bending down)
You confused them into unconsciousness.
PA QUINCE (shrugs)
Only making a point. Let's go home.
IDI OTT (croaking)
You can have the Food Bank! We have sixty seven thousand chickens for midweek roast!
MA QUINCE (ecstatic)
Great craic, we'll be back in the butchery business in no time!
PA QUINCE whistles and ROSIE, GABE and VIOLET follow MA QUINCE into the bus.
GABE (OOV, in the BUS)
Violet was the real heroine!
PA QUINCE (tired)
Ah yes!
ROSIE (suddenly realising)
Wait, we never told Duke. He'll be wondering where we are!
We see the BUS (clearly a model replica) speeding up out of the jungle to catch up with DUKE.
THE END.