Do you find yourself obsessing over which food plan will help you “get back” to the self you wish you were? Do you think that there is a way of eating that will magically wipe away the physical and emotional pain that you are in? Is your life feeling out of control? Are you scared by the number on the scale and worried it won’t quit climbing? Do you wish you could just be a size ”fill in the blank” where it all would be okay again? You are in good company here. Many of my clients, friends, and family members express feeling the desire to diet. I relate, more than you know – and it had me wondering…
Is the goal to lose weight intrinsically bad?
This is a very tricky question. First of all – does it make a difference if we are talking about someone who is 700 lbs. or 135lbs.? Second of all – does it matter how much weight a person desires to shed? Thirdly – should we consider what the person’s motivation is; is it for health, body image, or out of feeling pressured and shame? If what we desire is to weigh less, then is it wrong to say that?
Let me tell you that it is not wrong to admit how you are feeling. EVER. I think denying your truth is the biggest harm to your health out there.
However, I would argue that perhaps – just perhaps, weight loss is not what you actually desire - it’s what you are conditioned to believe will solve your problems. And if you are someone who has embraced HAES perhaps you know it isn’t about dieting anymore, but the focus has shifted to being the ”perfect intuitive eater”, the ”perfect vegan”, the “perfect clean eater”, etc. Sound familiar? The P-word is the one sure-fire strategy to have you stuck in the cycle of good eater/bad eater. There is no such thing as perfection and it has no business being associated with your health, or anyone else’s.
All of this obsession to find the solution outside of ourselves is really just an attempt to control what we think we can. In an unpredictable, fast paced world where we don’t trust the economy, our neighbors, our job security, or our retirement plans, the one thing we often turn a critical eye toward is our eating. This is especially appealing if you feel out of control with eating too. You may think, “If only I can eat X way, then Y will happen.” It’s a VERY tough thought process to release. It’s even tougher if you have ever had success losing large amounts of weight in the past. The common myth out there is that if you didn’t maintain the weight-loss; it’s simply a matter of doing something right that you did wrong, or doing it over the long-term, or being more accurate, or catching something you missed, etc.
What if I told you that the problem isn’t controlling what you eat, it’s being honest about how you really want to feel?
Even if the goal that you have is; “I want to weigh less to fit into cuter clothes” I urge you to look at what the means to you. What does wearing ”cuter clothes” represent? Will you be noticed more? Will people give you the praise you desire? Does wearing a certain name-brand mean you’ve achieved success? When you see people wearing “cute clothes” what do you think of them? Once you have determined what your actual desired outcome is, it will be a lot easier to choose a plan of action.
The desire to diet may return, but only you can choose what’s best for your body.
If you are experiencing a desire to control your weight or your relationship with food, here are some things to consider:
- Shift your focus from how much you’d like to weigh or how many pounds you’d like to lose to how you’d like to feel. (For example: I want to lose 100lbs. becomes I want to hike my favorite trail feeling strong and joyful.)
- Ask yourself what weighing less represents to you. What will it mean if you lose the weight? People will like you? Someone will fall in love with you? Your parents will be proud of you? You will have confidence at work? People will envy you? Then ask yourself how those same things would feel if they happened at the size you are now. Would it mean less? Perhaps it would mean even more? The point here is that it’s something more than the facade of you weighing fewer pounds that you crave.
- Finally, ask yourself what else you can do to reach your desired state of being. Losing weight is a solution that we all know works for some time, but it isn’t foolproof and it doesn’t truly solve everything, does it? Ask anyone who has lost 200lbs. if their problems were magically solved when they hit their goal…(I’ll tell you, I had old problems and some new ones too) Search for your solutions beyond food control. Do you need to focus on more activity? More rest? More social time? Cooking more meals that nourish your mind and body? Spend more time with your family? Play with your dog in the park? New friends? Date night? Again, consider how you want to feel and ask yourself what solutions there are beyond analyzing your diet.
Discovering what you need to do for you to feel your best is a very individual process. Every single body is unique and should be honored.
Trusting that you know what is best for your health requires listening to what your body is telling you and often redirecting the mind to help, rather than control.
