A little skit for everyone looking forward to the new season of “Vikings” on the History Channel tomorrow.
Or for anyone who doesn’t approve of goat sacrifices, but thinks if there has to be one, it should probably be a L.A. hipster actor goat.
FADE IN
Two goats, BILLY & BYLLI, bump into each other on the street. BYLLI is wearing skinny jeans.
BILLY
Hey! Billy, how are you? Cool hat. It’s, like, so ironic.
BYLLI
(self-consciously touching the partially chewed tin can he is wearing on his head)
It’s “Bylli,” pronounced “B-WHY-lee.”
BILLY
Oh, sorry. How you doing?
BYLLI
Good, just on my way to get a half-caff, no-foam, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle.
BILLY
Me too! Hey, how’s the acting going?
BYLLI
Good, I guess. I’ve got a regular gig at the Brentwood Country Mart petting zoo, but it isn’t fulfilling. Waiting tables still pays the bills.
BILLY
Dude, you’ll never guess what! I got a gig on Vikings!
BYLLI
(pulls back his head in surprise, his eyes are huge)
BILLY
Whoa, what’s wrong? You look crazy!
BYLLI
I have horizontal pupils.
BILLY
Oh right. Me too.
BYLLI
So, you got a part on Vikings? Is it reoccurring?
BILLY
Nah, it’s a one shot deal. But it’s pretty exciting. Billy got a part on Vikings last month, and he must have put in a good word for me.
BYLLI
Billy Half-Horn? Or Billy Spots?
BILLY
Billy Spots. He told me Vikings has been great for goat actors.
BYLLI
(rolling his eyes)
Vikings great for goats? Have you seen Vikings?
BILLY
No. I cant work the TV control, you know, with the cloven hooves and all.
BYLLI
Yeah, I’ve been fired from six restaurants this month. Hey, have you seen Billy Spots since he filmed Vikings?
BILLY
No. He hasn’t been around. Vikings probably launched him right into another role! They film in Ireland, you know.
BYLLI
Right. Hm. Look, Billy, you don’t want to be on Vikings…
BILLY
(excitedly talking over BYLLI)
Guess what else! I’m also trying out for a part on Justified next week—Wait, what?
The goats stop and stare at each other with their huge eyes.
Did you just say I don’t want to be on Vikings?
BYLLI
(lifting a cloven hoof to make a slicing motion near his throat)
Vikings and goats, it’s just… their religion calls for a lot of sacrif— wait, did you say there’s a part on Justified?
BILLY
Yeah, the Justified audition is next week, right after my Viking shoot.
BYLLI
Right after your Vikings shoot… Who else knows about the Justified audition, besides you and me?
BILLY
No one, I guess. A lot of the L.A. goats seem to be staying in Ireland after shooting Vikings parts.
BYLLI
So it would just be me and you up for the part?
BILLY
Yep.
BYLLI
Right after you shoot Vikings.
BILLY
Yep.
BYLLI
Ok. Well, it was good seeing you…
(BYLLI starts to leave)
BILLY
Wait, what were you saying about vikings and their religion or something?
BYLLI
Oh, nothing man. Good luck! Congratulations on Vikings!
BILLY
Thanks dude!
FADE OUT
