The Convent - an Idea for a TV Pilot Involving an Irish Satanic/paranormal Investigator Named BLAISE FORGOUS

EXT. BACK ALLEY, JERUSALEM, ISRAEL, MORNING
The film opens in a BACK ALLEY in ISRAEL. We see HAMILTON, early 20s, dressed in a 1980s sweater. He has curly black hair, and looks very 80s. He sees the EXTERIOR of the ABRAHAM LIBRARY. An elderly GUIDE/RABBI, HIRAM PAUL greets HAMILTON.
HIRAM PAUL (exceedingly Yiddish, overjoyed)
Hamilton! You've grown so fast.
HAMILTON (American, nods)
Rabbi Hiram Paul, yes, I know it's been long.
HIRAM PAUL (curious)
Why are you here?
HAMILTON  (rushed)
I have to see the collection.
HIRAM PAUL (curious)
You're searching for an artefact?
HAMILTON (nods)
I need to find the De Groot collection. I believe that you, as Curator of the Abraham Library have come across the rarest painting of all.
HIRAM PAUL (horrified)
Surely not the Fall of Roma Nova?
HAMILTON (angry)
You dare to deny it?
HIRAM PAUL (hesitant)
We do have it. But I must show it you only once.
HAMILTON (laughing)
It is only a painting.
HIRAM PAUL (sinister)
It is "only" the sign of the Apocalypse. We might need to  destroy it.
HAMILTON (confused)
Why?
HIRAM PAUL (horrified)
If we destroy it, we change the prophecy.
INT. THE ABRAHAM LIBRARY, ISRAEL, MORNING
HIRAM PAUL leads HAMILTON into the staircase down into the underground LIBRARY, lit by a circle of candles. The door is marked with a Star of David scrawled in chalk. The LIBRARY is domed, and lined with lines and lines of ancient, moth-bitten tomes tightly bound in leather. HIRAM PAUL picks up a candle and pushes down a library ladder, which activates a secret door disguised as a bookshelf.
HIRAM PAUL (leading HAMILTON through the library)
Come on, the National Trust don't want it. They believe it is cursed, a symbol of Jewish hatred.
HAMILTON walks down. He looks astonished.
CLOSE-UP - On the painting, a leering landscape of a gothic city on a hill, seemingly ROME with rotting green fields around it, and a flaming central square representing THE VATICAN.
HAMILTON (light-hearted)
He must have had bleak thoughts.
HIRAM PAUL (nods)
Yes, and you know what the strangest thing is?
HAMILTON (blinks)
Nope.
HIRAM PAUL
Janos De Groot was not a painter.
HAMILTON (confused)
He painted this!
HIRAM PAUL (loud, determined to be listened to)
But he was not a professional artist. He was an illiterate. These five paintings of the Apocalypse are his only known work.
HAMILTON (curious)
What do you know of him?
HIRAM PAUL (scholarly)
He was born in the 18th Century, died in 1801. Lived all of his life in Amsterdam. Sent to a lunatic asylum after attacking someone. The details are lost.
HAMILTON picks up the four other covered PAINTINGS, marked "De Groot's The Face", "De Groot's The Black", "De Groot's The Royal Palace of Hell" and "De Groot's The Glory of Pain", all packaged in parcel form. He briefly tears the parcel marked "De Groot's The Face" and sees an imposing, scarred face with a prominent chin and large, glaring eyes.
HAMILTON (mildly crept out)
Is that the Devil?
HIRAM PAUL (horrified)
Don't look! Yes, it is, but it is cursed. They say that it is the only actual portrait of Satan himself!
HAMILTON (curious)
What are the others?
HIRAM PAUL (critical)
The Black is just a black canvas.
HIRAM PAUL uncovers the parcel containing "De Groot's The Black", which is just a solid sheet of black paint upon black paint.
HAMILTON (trying to peel away the paint)
Maybe there's something hidden under it!
HIRAM PAUL  (angry, stops HAMILTON)
Stop it! You might make it worse!
HAMILTON snatches THE BLACK.
CUT/POV - Through HAMILTON's eyes, we see a misty city in SOFT-FOCUS, on a high plinth of what appears to be white marble, surrounded by swirling reddish fog.
HAMILTON (flashes stop, drops painting)
I won't do it!
HIRAM PAUL (crazed)
Go, go, tell everyone, your friends, your family that we don't have much time! We need to find a solution, but I don't know what it i!
HAMILTON nods and runs. HIRAM PAUL looks unsure. He knows we are all doomed.
INT. VATICAN COUNCIL, ROME, DAY
We see a group of CARDINALS looking over a map. One of the CARDINALS points a pole at the center of IRELAND and nods.
INT. WESTMINSTER ABBEY, LONDON, DAY
In a small alcove, where some burly BRITISH BUILDERS are helping install a new stained glass window, we see an ELDERLY VICAR, REV. IVES present the tweedy, aging  thin-haired, pale academic BLAISE FORGOUS a secret piece of wall disguised by  a lifting parchment of fake cobbled bricks. On the scroll are images of ten dying MARTYRS, one beheaded, one bitten, one with a bullet hole through his torso, one with a gaping bloody hole in his eye, one scalped, one dead of starvation, one burnt, one in chains, one flattened and one unconscious.
REV. IVES (showing FORGOUS the scroll)
These are the predicted deaths of the ten martyrs whose demises will mark the apocalypse, Mr. Forgous.
FORGOUS (nods)
I see, Reverend Ives. Well, none of them have come to pass. Although number six...
REV. IVES (confused)
Excuse me!
FORGOUS (calm)
There is a Cardinal, Irishman who is hunger striking, so he will die of starvation.
REV. IVES (horrified)
Don't be so morbid!
FORGOUS (deadpan)
I know. Sorry about that.
REV. IVES (warning FORGOUS)
Be careful! (Suddenly, one of the ladders collapses, a glass shard falls, REV. IVES trips, the shard shoots out and just misses REV. IVES' head.)
FORGOUS (laughs)
You nearly fulfilled the prophecy!
REV. IVES bends over, then the flap of wall or lifting parchment that covers the secret scroll breaks off, hits his head and his head knocks down on the floor. He is unconscious. FORGOUS bends down to pick him up. REV. IVES' head falls off and rolls down the steps.
FORGOUS (glum)
That proves it, then.
EXT. HEATHROW AIRPORT, LONDON, ENGLAND, DAY
STOCK FOOTAGE - Of a plane arriving at HEATHROW AIRPORT.
We see HAMILTON get out, holding a single battered brown leather suitcase. He walks out and halts a BLACK CAB. It picks him up and drives off.
INT. WESTMINSTER ABBEY
We see HAMILTON as he enters WESTMINSTER ABBEY. He nods and recognises FORGOUS, his Professor and mentor.
HAMILTON (joyous)
Professor Forgous, hello!
FORGOUS (slightly down)
Oh, Hamilton, dear boy, the vicar just died in a freak accident
HAMILTON (curious, matter of fact, looks at the wall)
Ah, the ten martyrs, well that's one ticked off!
FORGOUS (angry)
Don't be so sceptic! Anyway, what about Israel?
HAMILTON (tired)
The De Groot collection is about to be destroyed by Rabbi Hiram Paul.
FORGOUS (rolls his eyes)
Yes, I know, in the belief, that because the paintings predict destruction, they believe that means the destruction of paintings. They clearly do not understand that it is metaphorical, and also that you can't twist the meaning of the prophecy. It can't be changed.
HAMILTON (confused)
What is the Prophecy? Why so soon?
FORGOUS (sinister, mysterious)
It is time for humanity to move on, for civilization to die. For the gradual ascent or descent, depending on where the final destination is. The clock is ticking. It is time for the animals to roam free.
HAMILTON (nods)
I see. I better go.
FORGOUS (stops HAMILTON)
I read a mystery that happened recently.
HAMILTON (curious)
Where?
FORGOUS (takes out newspaper clipping marked "Irish Village stuck inside")
Uneeda Communication, a seemingly unknown small cable/internet/TV/phone provider arrive in a small village in Ireland and offer the entire town free tv, phone and cable services. Their vans arrive, offering set-top cable-free boxes able to tune themselves into the mains of the house and can power the entire telephone and televisual system. The locals initially smell a rat, and refuse, but suddenly find bags of money left at their door. They eventually accept. Within a week, the entire village is Uneeda-provided. Uneeda seems perfect. Every channel imaginable, perfect clear phone services, fast internet. However, something IS wrong. No one is going out. Takeaways are increasing. TV marathons are increasing. And what are they watching - blank interference.
HAMILTON (curiousity spiked)
Huh? Weird!
FORGOUS (nods)
I know, and apparently a mile away, a local convent has been put up sale by the Catholic Church. I see patterns.
HAMILTON (laughs FORGOUS off)
You always see patterns.
FORGOUS (shakes head)
These are signs of impending doom.
FADE-OUT.
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS, ONTARIO, MORNING, 2081
We see a black limousine parked up on an abandoned CAR PARK with a broken telescope facing one of the waterfalls at NIAGARA FALLS. Four gangsters (RESNAIS, FRANJU, FAUT and VADIM) look over. FAUT is tall and slim and relatively young. He is dressed like a circus ringmaster, with striped blue and white trousers, a silver foil jacket and red bow tie. His hair is covered with a mirrored top hat not unlike that worn by NODDY HOLDER of the band SLADE. RESNAIS is a small unassuming man, moustachioed, wearing mirrored sunglasses, dressed in white suede and with a white fedora hat. VADIM is dark-haired, his hair longish and swept back. He is  dressed in a futuristic, almost spacesuit-like all in one bell-bottoms and turtle-neck sweater combo-jumpsuit. FRANJU is the eldest clad in a long beige trench coat, a shock of gray hair protruding from out of his head, and eye-patch covering his left eye and a thick, bristling moustache.
FRANJU (deep, throaty, cigarette-ravaged French accent)
Resnais!
RESNAIS (walking up, fearful)
Yes, boss?
FRANJU (laughing)
I am not your boss!
RESNAIS (nervous)
Oh yes, the Big Boss is!
FRANJU (nods, sinister)
Do you have the consortium?
RESNAIS (confused)
Of drugs?
FRANJU (sniggers)
No, darling, the bibles!
RESNAIS (confused)
But they were useless, they were wringing wet!
FRANJU (upset)
They contained what we need!
RESNAIS (confused)
Drugs?
FRANJU (insane)
No, the distorted word of God!
FRANJU pushes RESNAIS into the WATERFALL.
FAUT (sinister, yet oddly  warm and somewhat friendly)
Thank you, Mr. Franju!
FRANJU (rips off wig and eyepatch and patches of skin)
I know.
We see that FRANJU is actually the bald, large-nosed, middle-aged, Hispanic FATHER ROSARIO. He takes off his trenchcoat to reveal a cassock with a bandolier of syringes over it. He gives FAUT a box. FAUT opens the box. It contains a band of smashed rosary beads.
FAUT (surprised)
Father Rosario, I was tricked by your devious, inventive disguise, Padre.
FATHER ROSARIO (nods)
Sometimes, we have to against the church to improve it. So we can put the devil out of the flame!
FATHER ROSARIO pulls out a metal cross made out of blades and press it against the satanic, angry FAUT, and pushes him into the lake. We see what appear to be curved, bony horns fall out of FAUT's top hat, as it falls into the waterfall, where piranhas jump out and nibble him. We see that RESNAIS is alive, standing by the waterfall, laughing and pointing his finger at FAUT.
INT. VATICAN HEADQUARTERS, ITALY, EVENING
Later, we see FATHER ROSARIO arrive at THE VATICAN, marble floors and a huge boardroom table filled with muttering PRIESTS of different ages, accents, nationalities, hair colours and ethnicities, each one with a monogrammed drinking glass. We see an elderly CARDINAL, Irish, sickly-thin, having been on hunger strike. He looks skeletal, ill and as if he is about to die.
CARDINAL (speaking non-stop)
For your abilities as an exorcist for the Catholic Church, we are delighted, Father Rosario to make you an instant Cardinal!
FATHER ROSARIO (pleasantly surprised)
It will be an honour!
FATHER ROSARIO then fetches from below the table a can of cola and pours it out into his drinking glass, the initials of which are absent, having been possibly faded or erased by previous liquid inside it. It appears he is plotting to turn the church into a corporate entity.
FATHER ROSARIO (raises glass in the air, sarcastic)
Cheers, God! Thank you for corporate entities.
INT. ABRAHAM LIBRARY, ISRAEL
We see HIRAM PAUL sitting on a stool in front of a furnace. He  is attempting to slot one of the DE GROOT PAINTINGS into the furnace, but it keeps failing to fit. He eventually slams the PAINTING on the floor. He breaks it, and then shoves the remains into the furnace. Suddenly, lightning strikes. The door opens up. We see in shadow, a large five-foot-tall HELLHOUND on all fours, slowly climbing.
HIRAM PAUL tries to ring the telephone to tell FORGOUS. However, FORGOUS is not there.
HIRAM PAUL (panicking, recording a message)
Is that Forgous? I'm about to be bitten. The second martyr. A creature has entered my room. If I survive, I'll ring you back, okay!
POV (POINT OF VIEW) - Through the HELLHOUND's eyes. We see HIRAM chatting on the phone. He then slams down the phone. He gets a fire-poker, a long metallic pole with a hook at the end. He pokes it at the unseen HELLHOUND, which screams in pain and bites HIRAM PAUL's heart out in a bloody mess.
INT. LAND ROVER, NEAR STONEHENGE, EARLY EVENING
CUT - We see FORGOUS driving in his battered green LAND ROVER through the countryside. HAMILTON is beside him.
HAMILTON (confused)
Where are we going?
FORGOUS (eyes beam with ambition and optimism)
To Stonehenge!
HAMILTON (confused)
Why?
FORGOUS (eccentric)
It is believed to be a former portal to  hell, removed due to too many tourists. Demons are more savvy than you think.
HAMILTON (confused)
You know demons?
FORGOUS (laughs)
Of course, my uncle was a student of Crowley, Cornish Forgous, the singular occultist of his time! He used to have them roaming the grounds of his manor. Used to scare me when I was a child, but they had been tamed.
Suddenly, the radio flashes.
HAMILTON (worried)
What is it?
FORGOUS (presses radio)
It's linked to my phone at home. It is my telephone call retrieval system connected by radio. It seems to be from Rabbi Hiram Paul.
HAMILTON (worried)
I hope it is not the second martyr.
FORGOUS looks solemn.
HIRAM PAUL (panicking, message played back, OOV)
Is that Forgous? I'm about to be bitten. The second martyr. A creature has entered my room. If I survive, I'll ring you back, okay! Argh!
FORGOUS (blessing himself)
The second martyr has been taken, bitten.
HAMILTON (confused)
Bitten by what?
FORGOUS (deadpan, determined)
I'd recognize those faint snarls in the background anywhere. Hellhounds, my uncle kept them as hunting dogs.
HAMILTON (gets a text on his phone)
Oh, apparently, there's been a new Cardinal appointed in the Catholic Church, according to one of my contacts.
FORGOUS (worried)
Who is it?
HAMILTON (reading out)
A Puerto Rican of Italian residence, one Father Rosario.
FORGOUS (angry, snatches phone)
Let me look at it.
HAMILTON (confused)
You know him?
FORGOUS (trying to hide seething anger)
He's a man who's not to be trusted. An exorcist who is as much on the side of the devil as he is on the side of the father!
EXT. STONEHENGE, ENGLAND, EVENING
THE LAND ROVER pulls up near STONEHENGE, which is surrounded by a rope fence. FORGOUS pulls out a large sceptre.
HAMILTON (laughing)
What is that for?
FORGOUS (serious)
It is able to generate a hell-hole, to see if the hole really is closed or not.
Electric current hits STONEHENGE. A red filter flows over.
FORGOUS (excited)
It is working!
We see a flicker of a huge red-skinned animatronic HELLHOUND, large ears, glaring mad golden eyes, like a wolf, cloven hooves and clawed nails, a threeand finely sharped fangs. It spits fire. It is covered in only a slight shading of fur, that is except the extremely furry head.
FORGOUS (hitting the HELLHOUND with the sceptre, gleeful)
Yes, there it is, possibly the same one that killed your friend Hiram Paul!
HAMILTON (quizzical)
How do you know?
FORGOUS (genial, still wielding the sceptre)
It smells Jewish. And it's not you. It don't smell like you. It smells like Rabbi Hiram Paul.
HAMILTON (sarcastic yet melancholic)
Jesus wept.
FORGOUS gets out a cross out of his jacket pocket, throws it to HAMILTON. HAMILTON picks up the cross and stabs it into the arse of the HELLHOUND. FORGOUS then drops the sceptre, which HAMILTON then takes.
HAMILTON (spanking the HELLHOUND with the sceptre)
The dog is in severe pain, but it is still lucid.
FORGOUS (opens up the LAND ROVER)
I am not sure, but we might have blessed silver.
HAMILTON (curious)
Does that kill it?
FORGOUS (fussy, under stress)
Provided the hound is in the right temperature of pain, yes.
FORGOUS pulls out a flintlock pistol and fires it constantly at the HELLHOUND, which is chewing the rope-fence. The HELLHOUND sizzles up, howls like a baby and begins to melt in the best gory prosthetic tradition of 1980s horror.
FORGOUS (deadpan)
Hot dog!
HAMILTON (nervous)
What do we do now?
FORGOUS (determined, sweating)
Well, let's go back to my cottage. I need to look out for signs.
INT. LAND ROVER, ON ROAD BACK TO FORGOUS' COTTAGE, WILTSHIRE, ENGLAND, NIGHT
Inside the LAND ROVER, HAMILTON is falling asleep. FORGOUS is driving, bleary-eyed but determined. He is listening to a local radio station, playing some muzak.
FORGOUS (has a brainwave)
That's it!
HAMILTON (tired)
What's it?
FORGOUS (quick-witted)
That village in Ireland, Uneeda Communications, we need to go there!
HAMILTON (uneasy)
There could be a link, I suppose.
EXT. FORRGOUS' COTTAGE, MOORS, WILTSHIRE, ENGLAND, NIGHT
We see the COTTAGE, a picturesque white-plastered bungalow on a hill. FORGOUS climbs up the hill in a matter of seconds, the seemingly fitter HAMILTON trailing behind him.
INT. LIVING ROOM, FORGOUS' COTTAGE, NIGHT
In the old-fashioned LIVING ROOM, large brown-furred armchairs, wicker-pattern carpet, flaking floral wallpaper, a fireplace on the right, its mantel adorned with flowers, photographs and vsarious Christian memorabilia, and a bakelite television in the corner, near FORGOUS' desk, where he is currently seen, sitting.
HAMILTON (sitting on an armchair)
How are we going to get to Ireland?
FORGOUS (thinking, doing a crossword)
Well, we could go to Knock Airport, but that is Catholic-run, the sibling to a site of a miracle, and I was banned there for suggesting that said miracle was caused by nefarious means. There is another way.
HAMILTON (worried)
You not suggesting the dark forces?
FORGOUS
Well, if one counts the bright side, then yes.
HAMILTON (rolls his eyes)
You really are bonkers.
FORGOUS (pulls out a barometer)
We can go by the wind. A particularly strong crest can take us west, so we might have a chance. I have adapted the Rover to be as light as possible.
EXT. MOOR, WILTSHIRE, ENGLAND, NIGHT
We see the uneasy-looking HAMILTON and the enthusiastic FORGOUS, sitting outside the LAND ROVER.
FORGOUS (tense)
Here it comes!
A giant wind sweeps the LAND ROVER> FORGOUS jumps in, but HAMILTON is too slow. He is left hanging onto it.
FORGOUS (smiling)
Easy does it!
EXT. IRISH COUNTRYSIDE, NIGHT
THE LAND ROVER is seen flying down towards a green field seemingly in the middle of nowhere. HAMILTON jumps off before he can be squashed.
HAMILTON (on the ground, crawling near the site of the overgrown village)
Jeez, that was one fall. The village is over there.
We see HAMILTON  on the floor pointing at a semi-derelict village, overgrown with a strange weed, which has engulfed people inside it.
FORGOUS (gets out of LAND ROVER, bends down to check weed)
It is Hellweed, usually only found in Hell.
HAMILTON (worried)
Another bad omen/
FORGOUS (nods)
Yes, best to stay away, no demons on the prowl, no patrol, just the Weed. Something must be going on nearby. There's a convent near here.
In the background, we see the foreboding gothic CONVENT, a wooden clcok tower at its top, one that oddly resembles a raven with its blackened, segmented wood resembling cloaked wings. We see a nun, SISTER MARY EVANGELIST walking away. She is in her early thirties, relatively attractive but with a hint of authority, especially in her eyes and nose. She is not dressed in typical nun garb, but in conservative average clothing.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (screaming anger)
Don't touch that village!
FORGOUS (turns)
No, we were looking for help.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (nods)
I know. Why are you here?
HAMILTON (stuttering)
The Hellweed, a new Cardinal, the imminent death of the Pope, the two Martyrs...
FORGOUS (stops HAMILTON)
Just investigating.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST
Ah, yes, we have come to accept that action is needed. Come on in! I am Sister Mary Evangelist. Welcome to the Holy Augustine Convent.
INT. ENTRANCE, CONVENT, IRELAND, NIGHT
We see flaking plastered walls, some panelled with wood, white marble floors with brown inlaid, framed needlepoint images of flowers, pictures of the Pope and Saint Padre Pio, Victorian furniture and confession booths with plush snake draft excluders wrapped up at the bottom. We see other NUNS, buttheyare dressed in normal clothing rather than wimples and habits.
FORGOUS (looks around)
Home sweet home!
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (guiding HAMILTON)
Our leaders are Mother Superior Margaretta Angel-Eustace and Father Wilhelm Kemp.
HAMILTON (curious)
Where are they?
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (helpful)
Father Kemp is playing chess with our resident brothers. We are unusual in that we serve both brothers and sisters, although there are only four brothers currently here, and they are only in temporary service.
FORGOUS (nods)
Yes, I have heard of you. You serve as a kind of way station.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (nods in recognition)
Yes, that is right. It is because we are not in education but in theological research. Our Mother Superior on the other hand is enshrouded in prayer.
We see HAMILTON entering a small CHAPEL inside the CONVENT, through a corridor lit only by the light that pours through the multicolour alleys of the stained glass windows.
INT. CHAPEL, CONVENT
We see HAMILTON walking through the empty CHAPEL, passing a banner that reads "Welcome to the Chapel of the Holy Augustine Convent". He passes by a CONFESSION BOOTH. We see the vaguest hint of the MOTHER SUPERIOR, so far the only nun to be wearing a wimple and habit.
HAMILTON (whispering)
ANyone there?
MOTHER SUPERIOR (behind CONFESSION BOOTH DOOR, whispering in throaty voice, speaks Latin)
Quid, tu honor divinae tacita brevis impius multo labore sudatum est et Pater omnium? (Unsubtitled - but translated in English as "How dare you interrupt the divine unspoken writ of the Unholy Father of All Scum?")
HAMILTON (confused)
I'm sorry, but I do not speak Latin.
MOTHER SUPERIOR (quietly angry)
Si natus ex virgine rapta sinu eius ungues Diabolum asinus fortis, ego quasi evomere virus runcatur sceleti donec tempus. Pudor, ambitio caelum Iudaeus! (Unsubtitled - but translated in English as "If I were born from the womb of a virgin raped by the claws of Diabolum and his mighty arse, I would spit venom on you until you were a weeded skeletal baby. Shame on you, Heaven-seeking Jew!")
HAMILTON (realises in horror)
You have become a blasphemous hell-dweller!
Suddenly, FORGOUS runs in.
FORGOUS (worried)
What is it?
HAMILTON (confused)
I think the old bitch is possessed.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (runs in, worried)
What has happened?
MOTHER SUPERIOR (loudly cackling, childishly singing in Latin)
Satan: Dormi mecum. Satanas sum sponsa. Impositumque ferens humero, a Deo est.
HAMILTON (confused)
Is that bad?
FORGOUS (deadpan)
She is singing songs of blasphemy. "Satan is my lover. I am Satan's Bride" are her words. "God is a faggot." Well, that was what she says!
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (calm)
She has been ill. Her legs have given up. She is in a wheelchair.
FORGOUS (calm)
The Devil doesn't need legs, especially that of an elderly and feeble woman.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (calm)
She fell down the stairs. She was perfectly lucid, srong, until a month ago. Until then, she was in absolute peak of physical health, well for a ninety-year-old woman, but it was as if her legs bent down and gave up on her. She had a vision.
FORGOUS (steadfast)
Do you know what kind of vision?
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (shrugs)
Demonic, I suppose?
FORGOUS (walks over to the CONFESSION BOOTH)
Be ready to prepare the funeral!
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (confused)
Is she dead?
FORGOUS (steadfast)
She will be! Does anyone have a gun here?
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (helpful, nods)
The Mother Superior keeps one in her room.
FORGOUS nods.
HAMILTON (worried)
This is the third martyr, you know.
FORGOUS (whispering)
I know. But we have to make sacrifices!
Suddenly, the rabid, straggly-haired, pale, blind, solid black-eyeballed MOTHER SUPERIOR zips out of the CONFESSION BOOTH in her blood-splatttered, wet (possibly patches of urine) wheelchair. SISTER MARY EVANGELIST jumps in front of her and shotos the MOTHER SUPERIOR in the chest. We see the huge gaping bloody hole in her chest, and something inside it. Something red, moving, gasping, trying but failing miserably to blend in with the mix of blood and veins. We see a little bald head and an ear with a gold earring.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (peeking through)
What is it?
HAMILTON (calm)
It is the demon that was inside her!
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (confused)
How did it get inside her? When she fell?
HAMILTON (rolls eyes)
She was likely the mother. Perhaps a miscarried baby from years ago that was revived by the vision as a demonic presence. Would that be right, Mr. Forgous?
FORGOUS (nodding)
Correct indeed, Mr. Hamilton. This is getting all very odd, indeed.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (confused, worried)
Should we kill it?
FORGOUS (pondering the idea)
Hmm, the creature is weak, and by demonic standards, it is practically useless. It will probably die. All it had was he legs that Mother Superior Margaretta Angel-Eustace had given to it, denying her own for the little scum baby!
FORGOUS inspects the CONFESSION BOOTH. He looks horrified, as he peeps inside. We see something, a hole, bright orange flaring through it.
FORGOUS (serious)
I do not believe it.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (worried but incredibly calm)
What is it, Mr. Forgous?
FORGOUS (angry)
If Hell is a place, then we've found it!
HAMILTON (looks at the hole)
Hmm, a kind of miniature lava pit, is that a hell hole or do my eyeballs deceive me!
FORGOUS (dips his finger)
It is lukewarm. It is probably a failed attempt, or somehow it will become one. It is not yet fully in bloom. So no, not yet, but it could be if it develops.
FADE-OUT.
INT. LOUNGE, CONVENT
We see HAMILTON and FORGOUS relaxing on a brown sofa by a coffee table with a radio placed on it in a bland, beige flock-wallpapered room.
IRISH RADIO ANNOUNCER (stentorian, OOV)
This is Danny McClafferty with Twelve-One Radio News on Radio-Nuacht Eireann. Imminent news - the Pope has been found dead.
FORGOUS (stunned)
Oh god!
IRISH RADIO ANNOUNCER (stern, OOV)
More details forecoming!
FORGOUS (thinking)
The fourth prophecy is of a man whose eye is lost.
An older nun, SISTER BERNIE, short brown hair, dressed not in a wimple but in a blouse, skirt and cross necklace, looking like a normal middle-aged Catholic woman appears.
SISTER BERNIE (caring)
Does anyone want tea please?
FORGOUS (nods)
Yes, please.
SISTER BERNIE (friendly)
And the young American?
HAMILTON (curious)
Any cola?
SISTER BERNIE (sadly)
No, but we have orange juice.
HAMILTON (begrudgingly)
Alright, orange juice it is!
SISTER BERNIE (leaves)
Oh-kay!
FORGOUS (thinking)
Hamilton, we need to do something.
HAMILTON (suggestive)
Stop the hole from growing?
FORGOUS (stumped)
Heh, well, I've a tickling feeling that Father Rosario may have a chance in being a Pontiff!
HAMILTON (worried)
He could be Pope Petrus Romanus.
FORGOUS (bucked up)
There is a chance.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (returning)
Father Kemp would like to see you, Mr. Forgous.
FORGOUS (nervous)
I see.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (curious)
Are you willing?
FORGOUS (nods)
I will accept his offer.
INT. CONVENT ATTIC, CONVENT
We see, walking up to the darkened, candle-lit attic, itself am essily-decorated office, a worried-looking FORGOUS, who is holding a melting waxen cnadle flaming alight, glued to a paint-ridden plate. We see hunched up in the attic, the elderly, white-haired, mad-eyed FATHER WILHELM KEMP, hunched over a chessboard, playing with himself.
FATHER KEMP (grumpy, Germanic)
Who there?
FORGOUS (nervous)
I'm Forgous, Blaise Forgous, a British academic.
FATHER KEMP (calm, sinister)
I know who you are, Anglican believer.
FORGOUS (surprised)
Really?
FATHER KEMP (oddly charismatic)
Yes, I have all of your books.
FORGOUS (pleading)
Is the world going to end?
FATHER KEMP (calm)
Of course it is. Everything has to end some time.
FORGOUS (puzzled)
But is the Pope the fourth martyr, the fourth prophecy?
FATHER KEMP
No, he is the seventh.
FORGOUS (surprised)
But on the scroll are images of ten dying MARTYRS, one beheaded, one bitten, one with a bullet hole through his torso, one with a gaping bloody hole in his eye, one scalped, one dead of starvation, one burnt, one in chains, one flattened and one unconscious.
FATHER KEMP (nods)
Yes, he was burnt. A candle started a blaze in the Vatican.
FATHER KEMP produces a large bucket of water and mounts it on his table, knocking off the chesspieces.
FATHER KEMP (sinister)
This is my way of seeing their demises.
FORGOUS (worried)
A present from Satan?
FATHER KEMP (shakes head)
No, a parcel from limbo. Shall I guide you through the deaths?
FORGOUS (wearily nods, quiet)
Yes.
FATHER KEMP
The fourth was of a French gangster who had been allying with a devil's servant purged by Father Rosario. His name was Vadi. French, but living in Canada. He returned to France, only for a chandelier to knock him dead.
In the bucket, we see VADIM (INT. PARISIAN CAFE with GOLD WALLS, very posh) dining as a chandelier glass blade-shard falls into his eye, spraying blood out of his head, as it falls into his plate of soup.
FORGOUS (confused)
The fifth?
FATHER KEMP (sinister)
Another ally, Resnais, about to ruin Father Rosario's reputation and therefore his role as Peter the Roman. He was drivng when his car plunged into an office while driving to New York from Niagara Falls, Canada.
We see within the Bucke - STOCK FOOTAGE of a CAR CRASH and RESNAIS' head, as it is scalped by the windshield.
FATHER KEMP (joyous)
The sixth was in the Vatican, Cardinal Seamus Doyle who had appointed Father Rosario as an instant Cardinal.
FORGOUS (confused)
He starved?
FATHER KEMP (nods)
Yes, but I cannot show you his death. He was a hardened Republican, who had been hunger striking on and off for thirty years. It was bound to happen some day.
FORGOUS (realising)
Oh yes, of course, I wondered if it was him. DO you know who will be next?
FATHER KEMP (staring into the bucket - which projects the image of a burning rotund figure - possibly the POPE)
All I can hear is that the chains he will be manacled will welcome him.
FORGOUS (raises an eyebrow)
That's a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in cellophane.
FATHER KEMP (nods)
Indeed.
INT. CHAPEL, CONVENT
HAMILTON is checking the HELLHOLE in the floor of the CONFESSION BOOTH. He puts his hand into it. The DEVIL-BABY beside him is aching, and beginning to return to life. HELLWEED begins to grow over the stained-glass window. HAMILTON pulls his hand out. It is covered in dried lava/magma. The DEVIL-BABY begins to grow quickly, second-by-second in a style not unlike JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING. Huge tendrils grow out of the BABY's legs, that meld with the little legs to form huge legs. The BABY's neck and grows out like a slithering snake on the floor, lava bubbling from the neck. The lava covers the baby's head in about fifty layers, then hardens. It then breaks away to reveal a monstrous, boil-covered DEMON HEAD. The DEMON then gets huge wings and big muscly arms. He is like a HARRYHAUSEN stop-motion creation, scratching its head, blinking and wondering what its purpose in life is. It is oddly silent, not roaring, not screaming. It seems oddly intellectual. One could imagine it wearing glasses and not laugh at it.
The floor collapses and HAMILTON suddenly tumbles down a tunnel of red lava/magma-soaked caverns.
HAMILTON (screaming)
Help on my way towards Hell!
FORGOUS (OOV from above, trying to help)
I'm coming!
INT. HELL
MODEL SHOT, We see HELL, a huge SUMERIAN CITY with modern elements built on a huge skyscraper-like plinth that is held up by people, mostly corpses, mostly skeletal corpses, their backs broken. The living are all at the bottom, trying to hold it up, their backs getting crushed by the ginormous weight of it all. The PLINTH is in a huge volcano  crater, forever releasing flaming fog.  ORNITHOPTERS, winged bat-like DEMON-GREMLINS with balloon gondolas containing passnegers, usually POLICE shining lights from the air fly over and around the set.
CUT - HAMILTON awakens in a kind of mix of different eras. We see a mix of architectures, people and weapons. A VIKING with an UZI bumps into HAMILTON. They nod at each other in recognition. HAMILTON looks puzzled and slowly walks away. SOMBRERO, a large, rotund MEXICAN (his namesake hat hiding his disfigured features) appears.
SOMBRERO (thick Hispanic accent)
Gay porn, anymore - Sodomite Bucks?
HAMILTON (groaning, confused)
No, thanks.
We see punished HUMANS being given the simplest of tasks for work or something to do We see an 18TH CENTURY POWDER-WIGGED FRENCHMAN in frills cleaning a single brick, then throwing into a pile on the right, and then takes another brick to clean from a pile on the left. We see a CAVEMAN chiselling a large rock. We see a ROMAN in a TOGA and a CROWN OF THORNS, possibly CALIGULA scissoring litter, not even putting it in bins, scissoring it, cutting it up and emptying the remains on the street so it will be harder for those forced to pick up litter for punishment. HAMILTON walks by and tut-tuts.
SOMBRERO looks back disappointed. We see green DEVIL-GOBLIN POLICE (one tall and fat, one short and slim) in Germanic spiked helmets and holding electrified truncheons. They are talking via a series of seemingly organic vegetable-like WALKIE-TALKIES.
BIG DEVIL-GOBLIN (sibilant)
Behind us, intruder!
LITTLE DEVIL-GOBLIN (squeaky voice)
Eh?
BIG DEVIL-GOBLIN (angry)
A living creature in the land of the dead. I believe he is the awkwardly dressed male youth, possibly Jewish with bad 80s perm hair.
HAMILTON turns and cringes.
LITTLE DEVIL-GOBLIN (smoking a cigar)
Ey, junior, what is your name?
HAMILTON (his hands in the air)
What, me?
BIG DEVIl-GOBLIN (tough)
Yes, you?
HAMILTON (nervous)
Oh, eh, oh, eh, eh, eh, errr!
BIG DEVIL-GOBLIN (angry)
Speak up!
HAMILTON (less nervous)
Er, Hamilton Quincey Hamilbaum!
BIG DEVIL-GOBLIN (writing name down on an orange-paper notebook)
Thank you, Mr. Hamilbaum!
HAMILTON (excuse me)
Who is the Pope?
LITTLE DEVIL-GOBLIN (laughing)
The false prophet, silly!
HAMILTON (confused)
But who is the False Prophet? Is it Cardinal Father Rosario?
LITTLE DEVIL-GOBLIN (laughing)
No, of course not. He's here!
The CAMERA pans out to reveal CARDINAL FATHER ROSARIO in the corner, chained  to the wall and being constantly stabbed with a hot poker by a blonde-braided, angelic BLINDFOLDED MILKMAID dressed in white, whilst FATHER ROSARIO is seen sweating and blessing himself with holy water in order to halt the pain, even if it is only sporadically.
CARDINAL FATHER ROSARIO (posh accent)
Oh, save me father! I have to sponsor Uneeda to live.
HAMILTON (confused)
Who is it then?
LITTLE DEVIL-GOBLIN (shrugs)
His identity hasn't been decided yet.
HAMILTON begins to throw a tizzy, going mental from the experience of being alive - in HELL! - and screams, starts kicking snack food SALESMEN in boiler suits covered with the UNEEDA logo (who are selling HELLWEED on lollipop sticks for DEMONIC ENTITIES to eat).
HAMILTON (screaming)
Get me out of here!
He sees the HELL-HOLE to EARTH above, grabs some HELLWEED, makes a rope of it and tries to lasso it at the HOLE. He succeeds, climbs up. FORGOUS peers through.
HAMILTON (screaming at FORGOUS)
Father Rosario is down here. Martyr number eight.
FORGOUS (as a stalactite falls down)
Mind that stalactite, you could be number nine - flattened!
HAMILTON (as he swings away from the stalactite)
The Pope is the False Prophet, but he's not Rosario.
FORGOUS (shouting at HELL, throws SCEPTRE into HELL)
We need answers, demon-creatures!
INT. CHAPEL, CONVENT
HAMILTON successfully gets back to EARTH, through the HELL-HOLE. The DEMON behind him is frozen, SISTER BERNIE and SISTER MARY EVANGELIST holding it with huge chains, and constantly syringing it.
FORGOUS (thinking)
The sceptre will bring some Heaven to Hell!
The crack widens and the DEMON tries to crawl out of its chains. He bumps his head, and the roof collapses. The roof falls and flattens SISTER BERNIE. Then, the DEMON goes unconscious and explodes into flame, setting the CONVENT on fire and letting the HELLWEED grow through.
FORGOUS (running out through the fire, leading HAMILTON and SISTER MARY EVANGELIST)
The last two martyrs have been claimed.
SISTER MARY EVANGELIST (confused)
A demon as a martyr?
FORGOUS (shouting)
It appears so. Our doom has been cemented.
FATHER KEMP walks out of the flames.
FATHER KEMP (laughing)
Did you hear the news?
HAMILTON (confused)
What news?
FATHER KEMP (shakes head)
The Catholic Church has disbanded, to prevent the rise of a False Prophet.
FORGOUS (rolls eyes)
I guess that settles it. We prevented the apocalypse. As for the fire, the angels will cease it.
INT. CONVENT ENTRANCE
We see SISTER MARY EVANGELIST, HAMILTON, FATHER KEMP and FORGOUS walking into the ENTRANCE of the CONVENT, filled with journalists and firemen.
IRISH JOURNALIST (dark-haired, big glasses)
This is Danny McClafferty of Telenews Eireann. What happened? Is this linked with the abolition of Catholicism and the possible idea of separate religions?
FORGOUS (calm, talking to the world)
Ah nothing, just to say Satanic darkness won't be touching us until our final destination. There's enough darkness in humanity to cover that, and in other species too.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE, IRELAND, DAY
HAMILTON looks confused, as he and FORGOUS walk out over to the LAND ROVER.
HAMILTON (curious)
So, was all that you were saying right?
FORGOUS (smiling)
Yes, well sort of.
HAMILTON (confused)
What do you mean?
FORGOUS (mysterious)
Hell is frozen over by light. Eventually, maybe a few months, a year, perhaps even a hundred years, it will break. The hell-holes will flow once more, and our work will be needed.
HAMILTON (weary)
So, we're useless.
FORGOUS (tough but somewhat joyous)
No, we're supernatural experts not demonic experts. There are still demonic forces at work. They're not powerless, they're sapped, they're like a dimmed lightbulb. THey try to grab our power, using capitalism, commercialism, consumerism, anything to motivate and change people's opinions.
HAMILTON
What about Uneeda? Their logos were all over Hell.
FORGOUS (laughing)
Uneeda, they're just pawns.
HAMILTON (confused)
But why are they in Hell?
FORGOUS (laughing)
There must be a demon on the advertising board.
HAMILTON (not serious)
You must be joking.
FORGOUS (serious)
I am not joking, and anyway, they prey on consumerism. No wonder they beg for free advertising to something Hell can't get. Demons are everywhere. I used to date one.
HAMILTON (surprised)
Really?
FORGOUS (wistful)
She was my second girlfriend, only out for my intelligence. Uneeda were probably motivated by demonic influence.
HAMILTON (confused)
And that influence is gone?
FORGOUS (nods)
Almost, the demons are trapped in mortal form, running out of power, and using corporate influence to do something to revive their power.
HAMILTON (suspicious)
So, what is next?
FORGOUS (walking off)
As I said, it is not just demonic influences that we find. We are supernatural investigators too. And by the way, that stuff about the Catholic Church disbanding, it is all guff, trying to cover up the Pope. They're laying him off, yes, but they're in remission, trying to find the next Pope and killing the last one.
HAMILTON smiles and gets into the LAND ROVER. FORGOUS follows and enters the DRIVING SEAT. The LAND ROVER drives into the sunset.
FADE-OUT.
THE END.
TEASER - FOR THE NEXT EPISODE
EXT. BACKROOM, VATICAN, ROME, ITALY, DAY
FADE-IN - In a small wooden-panelled room, we see a black EXORCIST, FATHER DOMINIC JEFFREY, mid-thirties, curly hair, a rosary around his left fist stabbing the body of the elderly, pale POPE, placed on a surgical stretcher.
FATHER DOMINIC JEFFREY (confused, London accent)
Are the Church really disbanding?
An elderly, dwarfish CARDINAL hovers into view.
CARDINAL (shakes head)
Only if we silence the False Prophet, Father Dominic.
FATHER DOMINIC JEFFREY takes out a knife and beheads the POPE. He then pours holy water over the decapitated corpse, which merely sizzles and burns. The CARDINAL looks sinister, while FATHER DOMINIC does a little laugh.
EXT. BACK STREET, VATICAN, DAY
We see FATHER DOMINIC leaving the building, an old Roman terrace and gets out to an old alley. He is smoking a cigar, laid-back and lying against the wall. A MAN in flat cap, raincoat and umbrella runs out, face obscured by raincoat hood and cap, and bumps into FATHER DOMINIC.
MAN (mannered)
Excuse me.
As the MAN runs by, FATHER DOMINIC turns.
FATHER DOMINIC (confused, recognises the MAN)
Don't I know you?
The MAN rushes off, ignoring FATHER DOMINIC. FATHER DOMINIC turns, and sees a "MISSING" POSTER with CARDINAL ROSARIO's face on it.
CLOSE-UP - The expression on FATHER DOMINIC's face is shock and sudden realisation that the MAN he has just bumped into is a somehow released CARDINAL ROSARIO.
THE END?