Brussels Brussels Brussels. The guys are there, plugging away for the classiest hotel Brian’s ever seen (perhaps to make up for the lax security?) They’re all too aware that the group is smaller, the stakes are higher, and Nick’s ego is only getting bigger. Nick, with the producers help, is quickly becoming this season’s villain, and the incessant chatter about “confidence” this week made me re-think my wine word.
First up, Marcus’ one-on-one date. Here’s my issue with Marcus. Andi thinks he’s cute. She told him as much. However she thinks he’s adorable. She even said so the first night. She’s not insanely attracted to him a la Nick (emphasis on insane.) And there’s no sessual tension like with Josh. Any time you’re commending your date for being a good eater, you’re clearly having some maternal instincts towards him. Maybe she’s feeling protective because he does show vulnerability, and we find out why when he admits childhood abuse on national tv. Just a casual so, I’m an abuse survivor. It was uncomfortable and just another in a long line of ickies this season. So despite Andi’s insistence that he’s a maaaaaaan, Marcus is just too sweet and vulnerable. I’m calling that she won’t choose him, but clearly he’ll still make it to the final three.
Josh’s 1-on-1 is met with cheesin’ from him and calculations from Nick. Nick, ready to do “whatever it takes” to woo Andi, continues stepping on toes, but he’s just warming up.
Say what you want about Nick’s pro-stalker moves,but take one look at this face:
You can practically count the butterflies in her stomach. While his…technique for showing up at her door leaves something to be desired, she was into this. Additionally, this is kind of close to real life. Booty call jokes aside, she has a massive crush on this guy and he just surprised her to sweep her off her feet for a “spontaneous” midnight date. She was smitten, and no matter how hard the producers make him out to be the villain (check that devious leather jacket) you can’t deny Andi is picking up what he’s putting down. However sincere that may be.
Now, we have a goose-infused Josh date. And I don’t mean gray goose. Josh’s insistence upon hug-walking Andi from behind makes their gait mimic those geese (is this a Belgian Thing?) The two pretend to eat Belgian truffles and traipse around Ghent, but Andi’s growing concerned that Josh hasn’t declared his undying love for her yet. I truly believe it never crossed Josh’s mind, for obvious reasons. Once Andi pouts until he caves coaxes it out of him though, everyone’s all smiles. However, I think the fact that she had to pry it out of him – even if it was a sincere declaration – spoke volumes about their ability to communicate.
What is not expressive about this face?
While the physical chemistry is there, she’s not reading his very visible emotions. Josh isn’t showing emotion?Are you salting my ice cream?! Homeboy has the most expressive face I’ve ever seen. He conveys more with 6 zoolander faces than I can in 1800 words. He is Botox’s worst enemy. His eyebrow waxer is about to take Suave’s place as the biggest advertiser for next season. He is expressive as eff. The problem? Andi’s looking for emotional depth that’s just not there. Josh is HAWT. Hot hot hot. At some point she has to recognize their chemistry can’t and won’t go beyond physical. Like c’mon girl, just take him to the fantasy suite and call it a day. On the flip side, her trust issues with him stem from nothing but her gut feeling and projections, so how will she ever get over them? Seriously. And he has trust issues that she doesn’t trust him which mkaes her not trust him more. At some point you just have to trust your intuition and go back in time run away with Eric Graduate style. Or choose Nick or Marcus, who she liked from day 1.
Who’s trying to get a rose from whom here? But seriously – note that supportive arm around Dylan. Is Nick calculated enough to fake physical camaraderie with his bro’s? Or is the guys’ animosity towards each other greatly exaggerated from the DRAMZ?
Next up is the group date, in which the second guy of the episode makes it known that group dates are the ugh, worst (thanks Nick.) At this point, it’s just sad to hear Brian and Dylan talk like they still have a chance. Much like it seemed cruel to force Cody on the charade of a 1-on-1, it’s uncomfortable. Sidenote: Andi went to a church with Josh then took the guys to a monastery. So this would be the perfect opportunity to discuss something that’s a huge factor in relationships, non? Nope. While the producers probably forbid any discussion of religion so as to not alienate any viewers, but to not address it at all speaks volume about the inauthenticity of these relationships.But back to the monastery, which apparently has spotty sacred ground reception, because the pottery barn is flirting-approved. While Andi and Chris reenact ghost in matching Madewell chambray button downs, he solidifies as the runner up to Marquel for next season’s Bachelor.
Nervous Nancy and Prissy Andi right here
When the return from this mini, mini 1-on-1, Andi drops the bomb. This explains why Brian has been completely spastic in his voice-overs (filmed after this announcement was made): whoever gets the rose stays. The three who don’t head back to the hotel. So Brian, who was likely confident (drink!) he wouldn’t get the rose, but at least could put in quality face time before the ceremony, is now totally up a creek. Nick, meanwhile, is gleefully gloating and pissing everyone off. Where it makes Brian visibly sweaty and insecure (as he should be), it makes Chris, annoyed and face punchy. As he should be.Anyway, the guys see Nick as a huge d-baguette, and I think at this point he kind of might be to them (not sure though, see: Dylan hand holding) but he’s not there to pledge a fraternity or get invited to Bachelor in Paradise. he wants to win, he wants to “marry Andi” so he’s not going to play nice, and he will step on a few toes. hard. He’s playing to win, that little stunt with the kiss tease? A very deliberate and contemplated demonstration of his ability to respect. Respect the rules of the monastery, respect sacred traditions (ahem, marriage) and respect the fact that a girl will want to kiss you approx 80 jillion times more if you play hard to get.
No eye contact – staring at his lips.
In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Andi gives Nick his hometown rose, and a mini 1-on-1 complete with the three M’s: making out, Milwaukee and man scarves. And the two stool pigeons and hot farmer head back to the limo to give the pixelating censor editors a workout. While Dylan and Brian cuss up a storm, Chris casts aspersions upon Nick and his branding strategies. This pity party continues back at the hotel, with Marcus swirling red wine frantically and Josh’s eyebrows enjoying a glass of chilled chardonnay. What follows is an epic s** talking fest worthy of some of my cattiest slumber parties. But they’re drinking wine, which is like the steroids of smack talking, so the guys’ claws are out well before Nick returns to smirk into his man scarf while being ripped a new one.
I can’t help it if people don’t like me because I’m popular.
Finally, we arrive at our excruciatingly obvious rose ceremony. Farmer Chris puts the icing on the cake, telling her he’s falling in love, patiently explaining what Iowa is, and then planting (ha!) a big fat juicy farmer kiss on her to ensure that she’ll be heading back to the farm. Brian won’t even put up a fight when Nick interrupts his half-hearted attempt to convince himself that Andi’s even considering him. Sweet Dylan knows he’s a goner. And Nick is just squirting visine in his eyes for a nice, emotional melt down. The only other part worth mentioning is Andi’s creepy, hopefully buzz-fueled whisper of “my sweeeet siiiix.” Champagne and catchphrases all around, we’ll see you next week when it’s unofficially officially confirmed that Chris is the next Bachelor!
