*That* John Lewis Christmas Advert

We’ve all been there, crying at the tv because on Home and Away Charlie is dying and Bad Boy Brax was 'changing' for her… and oh my god, they were meant to be, weren’t they? It was the greatest love affair, she can’t die, WHAT WILL I WATCH IF SHE DOES?!
We’ve all been there.
Haven’t we?
…errr, only me then? Ok. The point is, I know what it’s like to invest your emotions in ridiculous characters and plotlines that you know don’t resemble real life or real people. And yet, you do invest in them, continue to watch them and they entertain you.
I get it, ok? I mean look: I just admitted to watching Home and Away, I think it’s safe to say I’ve got some dubious television habits!
But this John Lewis advert has taken suspending disbelief to a WHOLE NEW level.
Allow me to remind you that this advert is based on the idea that two lumps of snow are anthropomorphised, gendered and have the full range of human emotions. Yes, really, they fall in love, she gets cold hands and he runs off to buy her some lovely mittens. This is all set to a warbling version of The Power of Love, just to ram the message home to us, which is thus:
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT LOVE. AND BUYING EXPENSIVE, DEPARTMENT STORE GIFTS FOR YOUR PARTNER. OR YOUR SNOW PARTNER.
Actually, it’s quite a nice version of the song, but still, the way it has been used is sickeningly sweet.
For those who haven’t yet seen it, let me set the scene: a snotty kid shoves together some frozen water into a few lumps, and these two snow people (ugh) apparently fall in love. The he (really? REALLY?!) snowman goes shopping (again, really?!) for the ‘snowwoman’ to keep her hands warm.
And this bit doesn’t even really work. She has sticks for hands. Stickhands don't need to keep warm.
Wait, do they?
Yes, those capital letters are to be taken as dismay. The same goes for all those extra question marks and exclamations.
Let’s just imagine, if you will, the people employed – EMPLOYED – to come up with this guff:
Adperson 1: Well, you could start with a bee-udifull scene with two kids building snowmen at Christmastime in a quintessential British villageAdperson 2: Oh ya, and they come to LIFE! And they’re characters, like a MAN and a WOMAN snowpeople: Mr and Mrs Snowman, you know, ya*
*Side note: I don’t know why people in advertising are so posh in my mind. I’m sure there are some non-posh people working for advertising companies but not in my head.
Adperson 1: Oh, and he could go and buy her some mittens and oh gosh, they’re reunited and oh – Magnus – we must use that new version of the Power of Love!Adperson 2: And obviously we’ll cross market it with digital, you know, a ‘Snowman John’ Twitter account and a ‘Mrs JL Snowman’ and get people talking to them! Genius. Totally, this will go viral.
Again, I’m serious when I tell you that the Twitter accounts @John_Snowman and @MrsJLSnow have been created for you to interact with.
Please, don’t even think of utilising that Twitter search bar to find them right now.
To say that the concept is silly is generous, Twenty Twelve’s Siobhan Sharpe is surely spinning in her TV grave because she didn’t come up with this putrid nonsense first.
It’s not just the fact that this is the most preposterous advert ever invented, with A BLOODY PAIR OF SODDING SNOWPEOPLE AT THE CORE OF IT.
It’s that it’s so crass and cynical in trying to convince you that snowpeople fall in love - and that this means you should buy some of the most expensive products on the high street - it’s actually rather insulting.
I imagine Coca Cola are probably cursing the John Lewis advertisers because they wish they’d come up with a guffier idea and their ridiculous, guffy Christmas truck advert has been outdone in the guff department.
Which is why I’m urging you to buy something handmade for Christmas this year.  Show that you’re not a sucker for this type of advertising. Buy something beautiful created by someone who made it carefully, with his or her hands and isn’t making a four billion per cent profit margin. There arean awfullot of fantasticitemson Etsy, Folksy and Not On The High Street, and none of them has a bloated, unjustified advertising campaign to manipulate you into buy them. Some of them are even as expensive as John Lewis items, if that's your thing.
Or, better yet, give some money to charity.
I recognize that this post is the equivalent of saying “CAPITALISM: GRRR” but if I find you tweeting Mr or Mrs Snowman I will be cross. And no one wants that.
Honestly, you didn’t watch that whole Charlie and Brax storyline? Still just me then…