Fitness Magazine

Surviving the Sausage Fest

By Jamesrichardadams @jamesradams

Surviving the Sausage Fest

OK the temperature cranked up to above 20C in the UK. This is bad news for the regular exercisers who run/cycle to work in any weather condition. Now we have to compete with the fair weather for showers and changing room space at our works, in our running clubs and gyms. It's going to be a stinky tight squeeze but if everyone followed a few simple rules we can get through this and just hope that summer is short lived and the snow returns by August.

Do your stretching outside the changing room.

If you must stretch after your session ro commute then please find a spot outdoors to do it. Doing it indoors not only uses valuable space but can lead to more "collision" incidents. You know what I'm talking about, you bend down, he bends down, there is cheek to cheek contact or worse, Newtons Cradle starts swinging.

Leave the noises outside too.

If you are prone to gasps and groans when you have just completed a run or workout then please wait until you are silent before joining the room full of naked flesh. People get suspicious when they hear a satisfying aaaaaarrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh from behind frosted glass.

Don't be ashamed of your thingy, but dont wave it around like Leonard Bernstien.

So you have this thing that dangles awkwardly in sport and in showers. It is a wonderful thing in some circumstances but not here. Neither is it a horrible thing. Find the right balance between being confortable with your own body and not looking weird. Don't be that guy who showers in his pants, or the one who gets changed so close to a wall that he looks like he is f****g the hand dryer.

You are responsible for your own declothing and cleaning.

Yes we all know how it happens with girls (at least according to the films I have seen). They help each other undress, lather each other and really go for those hard to reach places. This is not acceptable for a man. Even if he is your boss.

Towel Flossing is illegal.

Well it should be anyway. If you catch someone doing this then you have every right to give the towel a very quick tug on his behalf.

Weeing in the shower.

Absolutely fine. Unless it is a communal shower, then you need to do the "dashed line" to make it look less obvious. Don't pretend you don't know what that is.

Locker room "reports".

Giving ladies the details about the stature of men in the shower is strictly forbidden. Whether these are long reports or short ones. The amount of times I see girls winking at me is quite frankly irritating.

Stuff you leave in the changing rooms for 24 hours is fair game for anyone else to use

So if you leave your shower gel then expect it to be used. You can't complain when another man smells like you. Same applies for towels. It's not ideal using someone elses towel but in the case that someone forgets (and this will happen at least every day) then it is acceptable to use the towel that has just been left there. Lucky you if you return 5 days later and find your towel is still there but rest assured that it has been wrapped around more balls than Katie Price in the last 7 days.

Oh and if you leave your shower gel in a cubicle and someone else is now in there you have to wait. It is not acceptable to just "pop in and grab it".

Hand dryers are for HANDS only

Despite the convenient height and shape of those new Dyson air blade things.

Secure the low hanging fruit first

It is inevitable in these situations that you will have to spend an amount of time hanging out in the showers. It's nothing to be ashamed of but it is something you should try to minimise. Think of it as driving in the left hand lane of the motorway, that is what you are supposed to do unlss you need to pass someone. Pants-on is the default position. Those bastards who drive in the middle lane are the ones who wave their cocks in your face in the changing rooms.

Queueing rules.

This is siimple, your place in the shower queue is determined by when you entered the changing room, NOT by how nude you are. Most people like to leave on at least their pants or a towel while waiting for a cubicle and then quickly disrobe as they enter. Standing completely stark bollock naked with your hands on your hips does not allow you to push in.

So that's about it.

Someone should write a girls version of this. With pictures preferably...


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