Sucki Olympics Breaking News!

U.S OLYMPIANS NAB FIRST SLOPESTYLE SNOWBOARD GOLD
Americans Sage Kotsenburg, upper left, and Jamie Anderson flew, twirled and flipped off the rest of the world’s best snowboarders to take the first gold medals awarded in the brand-new Winter Olympic event. To most observers not really a surprise since we Yanks invented the damn sport. But probably not to one observer, fellow American Olympian and snowboarding icon Shaun White. He sadly backed out of the event, declining to tackle the slopestyle’s inclines possibly after discovering that clipping his hair may have clipped his aerodynamic wings. His comment: Yeah, whatever. I got my own clothing line of boys clothes at Target.

And in other breaking Olympics news …

RUSSIAN PLUMBERS TURN WATER INTO GOLD AT SUCKI

Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin may not walk away with a personal gold medal for his Sucki Olympic Games, but look at him – does that look like a man crying about it? Nyet! As the world leader single-handedly promoting stray-dog shooting as an Olympic demonstration sport says: I ain’t blowing $50 billion U.S. for nothing, comrades.