STIGMA AND IGNORANCE TEAR A FAMILY APART FROM WITHIN
By Nathan Daniels
Stigma is a disgusting entity, and when applied to mental illness or addiction, it becomes an unnecessary symptom and source of shame. People who suffer from psychological disorders should not have to defend the reality of their, sometimes, debilitating ailments. Likewise, someone recovering from an addiction shouldn’t have to face a lifetime burden of having this past mistake wielded as a weapon against them.
This heinous form of ignorance amplifies when it rears its ugly head in your own family. I want to tell you a horror story, guaranteed to disgust, and give you chills. So, gather around the proverbial campfire supermums, and let me tell you about a woman dragged through the pits of hell by her own mother!
∞PRELUDE∞
That was it! The mean old woman finally had enough! Now, her daughter wanted to kill her too! Her drug-addict daughter and her lazy, psycho boyfriend were plotting against her! “They want my house!” She thought. It had to be true, her five year-old grandson just told her…
“Mommy said I could look at all your stuff when you’re dead.”
That’s all the proof she needed. First, her ex-boyfriend wants to kill her, and she considered getting a restraining order against him a few nights ago —she thought her last three boyfriends were going to come after her too. She misinterpreted innocent comments into threats, and always seemed to get extra paranoid when one of her relationships ended. There was an obvious pattern, but this was lost on the old woman.
She wasn’t going to take it anymore, and her mind stewed on it while she maniacally vacuumed rugs that were already clean (her daughter did them already), and chain-smoked cigarettes…
She should be doing this! I work all week and I’m letting her live in my house, and now I have to clean up after her and her kids… and they’re up they’re right now, figuring out how to get me out of the way so they can have my house!
She stopped vacuuming and went to the kitchen, scowling at a single misplaced shoe at the bottom of the stairs. “Animals… I can’t live like this,” she thought, and continued to the kitchen sink —“Full of dishes of course!” A coffee mug, three spoons, a bowl, and a plate. “Unbelievable!” She was boiling over…
That’s it! I’ve done everything I can for them, but you can’t fix some people. My daughter just wants to do her drugs and sleep all day while I work and clean up after her! Her boyfriend gets a free ride because he’s had a tough life? So did I, but I still work! That mental illness crap is nonsense… he could get over it if he wanted to. Agoraphobia’s just a fancy word for lazy if you ask me!
She bent over to check her Vodka supply under the sink, knowing she’d need a stiff drink or two after she told them to get out of her house. She needed a drink or two every night, but that seemed lost on her too. The bottle was almost empty…
My daughter’s an alcoholic… I know that was a full bottle yesterday! She drinks and does drugs… I know she’s selling them too! She sleeps all day and never feeds her kids, she’s a horrible mother… they’d be better off without her and that psycho boyfriend! He smokes pot all day, cuts himself… he’s dangerous, and should NOT be around my grandchildren! His son’s going to end up just like him, if someone doesn’t do something!
My daughter always was bad… taking those credit cards out in my name to support her drug habit and her loser boyfriend. I tried to help the nice way, but I can’t take this abuse anymore!
She could hear her daughter get out of the shower upstairs… getting ready for work. She could hear them talking… about her no doubt!
∞THE HORROR∞
The mean old woman stomped up the flight of stairs and demanded her daughter move out within three weeks, but it didn’t go very smooth. Her daughter’s boyfriend had the nerve to yell at her! He had the audacity to say that she was the only bad mother in the house! He had the unmitigated gall to suggest that, even though he lived with psychological disorders… She was the only “crazy” person there!
She’d show them! With complete disregard to the inevitable repercussions of her actions, she began making phone calls after her daughter went to work, hurling wild accusations and blatant lies. She did her best to form a congregation to help her rally against her own daughter, and she even got a select few to drink the Kool-Aid.
Her daughter’s ex-husband would be a good listener. Always the opportunist, he’d realize he could wind up with full custody and have his ex-wife paying him child support! Her other daughter would be all too eager. She’d always harbored resentment toward her younger sister, and they kept a strained relationship, at best.
Even her daughter’s kids (12 & 13 years old) should hear… shouldn’t they? After all, they‘d need to understand why they needed protection from people they’d loved and trusted their whole lives. So, she formed her alliance and launched her assault. They gathered around her intently, with growing enthusiasm, as she spun her spiteful lies and gross embellishments…
∞THE ACCUSATIONS∞
HER VERSION: “My own daughter STOLE my identity and drove me into financial ruin! She has all kinds of accounts in my name, now I owe thousands of dollars, and she just keeps racking ‘em up!
REALITY: Her daughter did open 3 credit card accounts, using her mom’s name, almost six years ago. This was during a time of great duress, and nothing like that ever happened before… or since. The old woman was never held responsible for the money, because her daughter paid the bills consistently for years. For a time, her mother’s credit score actually improved.
Her daughter told her about this years ago, when another financial struggle prevented the bills from being paid for a while. The old woman forgave her at that time and seemed to hold no grudge over the last couple years. This was water under the bridge; obviously, as she invited her daughter to live with her long after she knew.
To date, her daughter has closed and completely paid two of these accounts, and remains perfectly willing to pay the last. This has NOT had ANY negative effect on the old lady’s life, as her daughter always maintained responsibility for the debts and worked hard to eliminate them. In addition, this did not ruin her credit, which was already in a state of disarray.
The old woman has reported the final account as fraudulent now, and that prevents her daughter from making the final payment. She also filed criminal charges against her for identity theft, which threatens a maximum jail sentence of three years.
Would you do this to your daughter?
HER VERSION: “My daughter’s a druggie! She does lots of drugs, and she’s always had a problem with that. She sells them too, and she’s an alcoholic… she’s constantly drunk in front of her kids!”
REALITY: Her daughter went through an addiction to prescription painkillers that lasted about a year. It never affected her job or her children, and when it got to the point where it was going to affect paying the bills… she stopped.
She joined a treatment program, where they prescribed a medication called Suboxone to help her stay clean. She has been 100% drug-free for more than two years, and this is an easily proven fact because she has submitted to monthly drug testing as a mandatory part of the program. Her doctor is extremely proud of her perfect record and boasts that she’s been his most successful patient.
Her daughter has never been a drug dealer, and she is not an alcoholic. The medication she’s on doesn’t mix well with alcohol, so she has to limit her consumption, but is guilty of having a couple drinks after work occasionally. The kids have seen their mother drunk, but it’s rare and the cruel irony here is… they see their grandmother drunk and slurring on a regular basis.
If your daughter successfully overcame an addiction, would you be proud of her, or never let her forget her mistake?
HER VERSION: “My daughter doesn’t take care of her kids! She’s a negligent mother, and she sleeps all day, never feeds them, and doesn’t do anything around the house!”
REALITY: Her daughter has worked second shift for ten years and gets eight hours of sleep just like everyone else. Why do they expect her to operate on a first shift schedule? Convenient for the mean old woman to ignore the fact that when she’s asleep at 9:00 at night, her daughter’s still hustling fish at a sushi restaurant and won’t be home for several more hours. She’ll be asleep by 2 or 3 a.m. and out of bed by 10 or 11.
This is a wonderful mother, who has worked hard, and raised good kids for over a decade. Almost all of her money has gone to bills and giving her kids everything they’ve ever needed, and almost everything they’ve ever wanted… most of all, love.
If you take one look at any of these three children, it’s obvious they’ve been well fed and cared for their whole lives. If you spend a few minutes with them, it’s also clear they’ve never known neglect, or suffered any other abuse.
She has diligently and consistently provided funding, transportation, and support for endless bowling leagues, soccer tournaments, and field trips —events, vacations, play dates, slumber parties, instruments, equipment, toys, books, clothes, food, medications, emergency rooms, and conflicting baseball/softball seasons all over the state!
Her work ethic is great and unless she’s been injured or pregnant, she never misses a shift, and works 5-6 days a week. She has always been one of the most well liked and dependable workers everywhere she’s worked, and never shies away from picking up extra shifts whenever there’s a need.
The mean old woman chooses not to acknowledge that her daughter did all the housework Monday-Friday. She doesn’t admit that, she only had to do a few minor chores on the weekend, when her daughter was usually working double-shifts! She won’t give her daughter credit for frequently supplying her coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol, or doing the majority of the household shopping… as well as helping with the bills.
Would you file charges of negligence against your daughter, without just cause?
HER VERSION: “My daughter’s boyfriend is a huge pothead! He smokes weed all day long in front of the kids, and he’s always stoned out of his mind.”
REALITY: He does self-medicate with marijuana to treat his insomnia, difficulty eating, and severe anxiety. He takes a couple of hits in the morning, long before the kids wake up and a couple more at night, long after the kids have gone to bed… always behind closed doors. He may take a couple in the afternoon, if there’s a strong need, but he has always gone to great lengths to protect the kids from this part of his life.
Partaking in this form of medicine is not something he promotes or condones, but it does alleviate his symptoms and allows him more functionality. He seldom experiences the sensation of being “stoned.”
The worst aspect of this accusation is the enormity of the hypocrisy looming behind it. Two of the three accusers have certainly smoked their fair share of weed, and one of them bought their first car with money made selling it! The old woman herself neglects to mention she has endorsed his use until now. She has even offered to supply it for him from one of her co-workers.
The old woman also leaves out that he has recently ceased his usage, now that he has insurance again and is seeking therapy that is more aggressive. This will involve prescription meds that he doesn’t want to mix with marijuana.
HER VERSION: “My daughter’s boyfriend is dangerous! He cuts himself, and he’s done it in front of the kids! What if he hurts them next? He blacks out all the time… Who knows what he’s capable of!”
REALITY: He’s never hurt a fly, has zero hostility, and genuine love and respect for the people in his life. Self-harm absolutely does not make a person any more apt to hurt someone else. Truthfully, a person prone to using this coping skill is generally more likely to be a victim of violence rather than its cause.
Self-abuse is extremely personal and private behavior, right up there with moving your bowels or masturbating. It most certainly doesn’t mix with exhibitionism, and the suggestion that a person who self-harms would do it in front of kids is preposterous.
It’s also true that he has blacked out in the past. These are rare occurrences, brought on by the most severe anxiety attacks, during unusually intense situations. This man has been living with mental illness his entire adult life and has a thorough understanding of his limits and possible triggers. He’s a responsible parent, who wouldn’t put those kids in a situation where they might witness a psychological event, any more than another parent would drive drunk with their kids in the car.
He maintains constant vigilance in his effort to shield those kids from his disorders, and he has sacrificed and suffered greatly to ensure their protection. For this very reason, he has missed countless birthday parties, baseball games, and family functions… all to protect the kids, and now… all for nothing!
Eight years of responsible parenting, shattered by ignorance, as misconstrued facts and graphic images get put on display under the harsh glow of stigma —young eyes, widening in horror!
∞THE REAL CRIME∞
Not only was this misinformation given to the kids… the mean old woman called the local police and got a restraining order against her daughter! She claimed she feared for her life and issued her allegations, that her daughter was a dealer and her and her boyfriend did drugs in front of the kids. She told them she wanted to press criminal charges for identity theft too, and made the calls to start that process. Now her daughter’s schedule is full of hearings and court appointments to defend her right to parent her children.
The mean old lady called local childcare services and made an official complaint of abuse and negligence, filling their heads with all the above-mentioned lies and exaggerations. This spawned a pending investigation that has separated the oldest children from their mother, and a man they’d considered their loving stepdad! The kids are confused and scared as they try to wrap their minds around the idea that people, who always made them feel so safe and secure, might actually be unstable junkies and dangerous psychopaths!
The real crime here is stigma, as this select group of people is exploiting every myth associated with mental illness and addiction recovery, and doing their best to pass this ignorance on to the next generation. The couple in question would have shared these parts of their live with the kids in due time, years down the road, when the kids were old enough to understand all the pieces of these complicated puzzles.
They would have done so in a responsible manner that would educate instead of terrify… a way that might have inspired well-earned pride and inspiration instead of disappointment and disgust. This opportunity, obliterated by a handful of idiots, yelling from the rooftops…
“Hey kids! Come look at all this stuff we don’t want you to see!”
Don’t they see the glaring contradiction in their actions?
The real crime here is, these select-few family members, doing the exact opposite of everything a family should do! Instead of taking the time to understand the reality of the issues involved, or confronting the couple in question with their concerns and fears, they launch a blind assault… led by a spiteful old woman, who’s grown mad at the world, and has chosen her daughter’s family as the focus of her misdirected anger!
Families should help and support, not threaten and attack. They should help each other get over the bad parts of life and focus on all the good. These people intentionally turn a blind eye to all the good, but put every flaw and mistake under a microscope and make sure you never forget!
There was an abusive mother under that roof, but it was the mean old woman, not her daughter. If one thing was out of place when she got home… she was living with scum, and she constantly degraded her daughter in front of her grandchildren. It was bad, and it was wrong!
Everything her daughter did was criticized, from her parenting to how she dressed or made phone calls. No matter what she said or did she would either argue with her, try to make her feel stupid, or find some way to put a of negative spin on it. She went out of her way every day to make her feel like a bad daughter and a bad parent. Not once, did a positive voice come out of her mouth.
Her daughter just absorbed the abuse, kept her head down, and continued to try pleasing her abrasive mom. She knew she couldn’t reason with her mom anymore… and she missed her. Believe it or not, they really were close. She hoped her mom would come to her senses if she were patient. It never occurred to her it would get so much worse.
In the end, the false allegations will be disproven, the embellishments… exposed, and the damage control can begin. The mean old woman’s daughter and her boyfriend are good parents, and they will carefully rebuild their relationship with the kids. In the meantime, however, they reside in Hell… currently homeless with a five-year old boy depending on them, kids that see them in an unfair light, and a long, hard road ahead.
Nathan Daniels lives with psychological disorders including Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Insomnia, and OCD. Abused in his youth, orphaned and homeless as a teenager, he became self-abusive and suicidal as an adult. Against all odds he has survived, and now advocates for suicide prevention and awareness through his writing. Find his Book Surviving the Fourth Cycle on Amazonfollow, I am currently reading it and highly recommend it! You can read his blog too.
