Humor Magazine

Spring Has Dung!

By Glenn Waterman

dung hazmat banner

Spring is dung!
Da poop has riz!
I wonder where my damn lawn is …

Yes, it’s that time again. The birds are singing, the daffodils are blooming, the sun is shining, the temperatures are rising …

“Good Lord. They’ve come back again.”

“Who are they?”


“God save us. It can’t be spring yet. It just snowed a few weeks ago.”

“It was just toying with us. We couldn’t be so lucky to be stuck in an Ice Age. No, we have to live during global warming.”

“You know what this means?”

“Of course I know what this means. Thar’s a ton of dog poop in them thar grasses.”


“Well, I hate to bring this up again but we wouldn’t have this problem if you didn’t insist on feeding them during the winter. Humans adapt, maybe dogs probably do too. Who knows? We fatten them up in the fall, then cut the food chain and they might think they’re bears. Maybe hibernate even. Like I always say, it’s worth a shot.”

“And like I always answer, you should be shot.”

My wife and I have this conversation every year about this time. When you have a dog and you let that dog out into your backyard two, three, four times a day to “do his business”, the best season of year is winter. And the best things about winter are that it’s cold and there’s snow.

The cold freezes them. the snow hides them. Problem solved. Temporarily.

Because then comes spring. By my learned calculation, one large-size dog produces about 2 cubic feet of poop during the approximately four months of winter.

Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as the perfect dog. Yeah, sure thing kid ... and I rode a unicorn to work today. I've never owned one.

Yes Virginia, there is such a thing as the perfect dog. Oh yeah, … and I rode a unicorn to work today.

Exactly right – that works out to 359.74 cubic feet of dog crapola. You see? Those dreary math classes in school were well worth with it.

As you now graphically understand, the “spring thaw” is not a happy time around the Waterman household. At least not out in back of the Waterman household.

But does this stop us from perpetually maintaining a small herd of rather large man’s best friends? Hardly. We are undeterred. Yes, we may be up to our ears in it every spring, but the key to keeping our collective sanity while amidst and up to our midriffs in so much canine by-product is planning. And preparation.

dung suitsYessir, this is how we do it. This is how we beat it. So far, there ain’t been no mountains high enough.

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