Sheila Got the Gush - My Attempt at a Rom-com

1. INT.  ARTHUR'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND, MORNING, C.1970
The film opens with a TRACKING SHOT through an untidy bedroom, thick 70s carpet, floral wallpaper, a camp bed with football-related bedcover, something  old-fashioned and childlike about it. There is a book shelf, barely used, a bedside lamp, maybe a Hornby train set on a desk beside the door. In striped pyjamas, in his bed is an untidily brown-haired youngish man, ARTHUR, fiddling against the bedside table, his eyes closed, trying to find his glasses. He nearly smashes the lamp, but manages to get his NHS glasses. He eventually puts on and gets up. He opens up a drawer.
CLOSE-UP - Inside the bedside table drawer is a piece of buttered toast. The CAMERA TRACKS onto ARTHUR, as he grabs and eats the toast.
ARTHUR (munching on the toast)
Thanks, Mum!
MUM (OOV, shrill)
You're welcome, Arthur.
CUT - ARTHUR opens up the wardrobe, jumps in and walks out of it in a sweater knitted by his mother and trousers that are worn back to front, but he does not notice. He is also carrying a suitcase.
2. INT. STAIRCASE AND HALLWAY, ARTHUR'S HOUSE, ENGLAND, MORNING, C. 1970
CUT - ARTHUR hurries down the staircase with his suitcase, puts his hand through the cat flap of the house door to check post, nothing there, so he opens the door from the outside, nearly hurts his arm, wriggles the arm out and exits.
3. EXT. STREET, ENGLAND, MORNING, C. 1970
CUT - ARTHUR walks out with his suitcase and sees across the street there is a HOLIDAY AGENT.
CLOSE-UP - Of the HOLIDAY AGENT shop window - a sign reading "Miraculous Mexico - Cheaper Than Ever."
CUT - ARTHUR wearily gets a wad of banknotes out of his trouser pocket. He enters, quickly exits and then boards a BUS reading "To Heathrow for Flights".
4. EXT. HEATHROW AIRPORT, LONDON, MORNING, C. 1970
CUT - ARTHUR and his suitcase exit the BUS and walk past the runway and into the TERMINAL.
CUT - Stock footage of a 1960s/70s plane taking off.
5. EXT. MEXICAN AIRPORT, AFTERNOON, C. 1970
CUT - ARTHUR exits a plane onto a barren desert airstrip. It looks remote.
ARTHUR (to himself)
So this is Mexico, far from the glamour. They said it was better than Spain.
CUT - ARTHUR walks onto the desert road nearby, his hand stretched out in an attempt to hitch a ride. A black 70s-era LINCOLN CONTINENTAL stops. ARTHUR walks in.
6. INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL, MEXICAN COUNTRYSIDE, AFTERNOON, C. 1970
CUT - ARTHUR enters the back seat of the LINCOLN, driven by an exotic, scantily-clad woman of about thirty, SHEILA, attractive, with lustrous black hair and gold hoop earrings.
SHEILA (exotic, thick Hispanic accent)
What brings you here, stranger?
ARTHUR (nervous)
Just a holiday...
SHEILA (suspicious)
Is that so, Englishman?
ARTHUR (polite)
Yes, I'm Arthur, Arthur Fudge. You are...
SHEILA (sexily)
They call me Sheila, Sheila Abdocar.
ARTHUR (curious)
You must be local.
SHEILA (winsome)
Indeed.
ARTHUR (curious)
Where are you going?
SHEILA (honest)
Bocablanca, a small fishing village about five miles away.
ARTHUR (smiling)
Sounds exotic.
SHEILA (curious)
Where were you planning on going?
ARTHUR (being nice)
I don't know, somewhere exotic, with nice women, a beach, good weather...
SHEILA (laughing)
Then, Bocablanca in the summer is the place to be!
ARTHUR (laughing)
Ah, take me there!
SHEILA (charmed)
I will, Arthur.
7. EXT.MEXICAN DESERT COUNTRYSIDE, AFTERNOON, C.1970
CUT - The LINCOLN drives off through picturesque desert and small villages on a coastal road, eventually reaching a sign reading "You are entering Bocablanca."
8. EXT. BOCABLANCA BEACH, MEXICO, AFTERNOON, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR and SHEILA get out of the LINCOLN, parked on a nice beach-side car park. ARTHUR gets out and admires the scenery.
CUT - Behind ARTHUR's back, SHEILA enters a nearby telephone booth.
9. INT. MEXICAN TELEPHONE BOOTH, AFTERNOON, C.1970
CUT - SHEILA is in the TELEPHONE BOOTH, talking to an unknown person.
SHEILA (troubled, unsure, panicking)
Yes, I know, but he seems nice. (Briefly pauses) What do you want me to do? I can't do that. I have other priorities. I'm not your slave. Go away.
10. EXT. BOCABLANCA BEACH, MEXICO, AFTERNOON, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR is looking for SHEILA, carrying his suitcase.
ARTHUR (walking through the sand of the beach, PEOPLE shaking their heads, others running away in fear)
Has anyone seen a girl, Sheila, Sheila Abdocar, in his late twenties, possibly thirty, lustrous dark hair, attractive...
CUT - The mention of SHEILA seems to cause a huge negative reason. ARTHUR looks bemused.
CUT - ARTHUR heads into a ramshackle, tin corrugated-roof and wood bar on the promenade, still carrying his suitcase.
11. INT. BEACH BAR, MEXICO, AFTERNOON, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR enters the bar, full of lowlifes, drunks and so on. There, he sees ROSALIE, in her late twenties, early thirties, a slightly daffy blonde woman, unusual-looking, round of face, attractive in a different sort of way to SHEILA.
ARTHUR (approaching ROSALIE)
Can I sit here?
ROSALIE (American, friendly)
Yeh, sure.
ARTHUR (appreciative)
Thanks.
ROSALIE (curious)
What brings you to Bocablanca?
ARTHUR (friendly)
Anything to get away from England, I suppose. What about you?
ROSALIE (tired, weary)
Name's Rosalie. I was working in a traveling theater company here, after trying to get a job in a Las Vegas show. I had been in New York, doing an off-Broadway show about a divorce.
ARTHUR (nodding)
Oh, I see.
ROSALIE (smiling)
What's your job, Arthur?
ARTHUR (confused)
How do you know my name is Arthur?
ROSALIE (matter of fact)
You look like an Arthur.
ARTHUR (unsure)
Thanks.
ROSALIE (impatient)
What's your job?
ARTHUR (nervous)
I work as an office clerk in London, and I live with my mother.
ROSALIE (laughing)
Oh, well I live with my mother for most of the year, in a trailer park, but it doesn't mother.
ARTHUR (semi-embarrassed)
I love my mom.
ROSALIE (nodding)
And I do too. But anyway, you seem to be looking for someone.
ARTHUR (gruffly)
Oh, Sheila Abdocar.
ROSALIE (confused)
Who?
ARTHUR (loudly)
A girl named Sheila Abdocar.
CUT - The entire staff and customers at the bar are stunned and silent. The BARTENDER speaks up.
BARTENDER (thick Mexican accent)
Sheila Abdocar not welcome here, and neither is her brother! Bad man!
CUT - ARTHUR opens up his battered suitcase to look for anything.
ROSALIE (whispering in ARTHUR's ear)
Evaristo Abdocar is a local criminal.
ARTHUR (nodding)
I guessed that.
ROSALIE (feeling sorry for ARTHUR)
You can come with me.
ARTHUR (grateful)
Thanks, I'm beginning to get sick of Mexico.
ROSALIE (tired)
Me too!
ARTHUR (curious)
Where are you going?
ROSALIE (cheerful)
Vegas, apparently I might still be in a chance for this show.
ARTHUR (honest)
Excuse me, I need to go the bathroom.
CUT - ARTHUR exits the bar.
11. INT. BATHROOM, BEACH BAR, AFTERNOON, 1980
CUT - In the men's bathroom, ARTHUR finds SHEILA, in a sleeping bag.
SHEILA (grateful)
There, you are!
ARTHUR (confused)
What happened?
SHEILA (seductive)
My brother needs my help. Can you help us?
ARTHUR (confused)
How, I am going to Vegas to help a friend.
SHEILA (sad)
But you promised to stay with me!
ARTHUR (shaking his head)
No I didn't!
SHEILA (angry)
Yes, I did, I did!
CUT - SHEILA starts screaming like a harpie. ARTHUR rushes into a men's toilet cubicle and sits down to poop, only for his flushing to coincide with SHEILA boxing through the wooden door and screaming.
CUT - ARTHUR dips SHEILA's head into the newly-flushed toilet and runs out.
12. INT. BEACH BAR, MEXICO, AFTERNOON, 1980
CUT - ARTHUR runs in and sees ROSALIE.
ROSALIE (curious)
What is it?
ARTHUR (hyperventilating)
Let's get out before things turn hairy!
ROSALIE (confused)
What happened?
ARTHUR (whispering)
Let's just say I've encountered a wolf in sheep's clothing!
ROSALIE (nodding)
I see.
CUT - ROSALIE drags ARTHUR out of the bar.
13. EXT. BOCABLANCA BEACH, MEXICO, AFTERNOON, 1980
CUT - ROSALIE drags ARTHUR to a distant spot by the beach.
ARTHUR (confused)
Where is your car?
ROSALIE (pointing at a hot air balloon half-buried in the sand)
That's my 'car'.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR is horrified.
ARTHUR (shocked)
Did I tell you I was afraid of heights?
14. EXT. HOT AIR BALLOON, OVER US/MEXICAN BORDER, AFTERNOON, 1970
CUT - ROSALIE in flying helmet and goggles mans the HOT AIR BALLOON, two suitcases (ROSALIE's suitcase and ARTHUR's suitcase) on a rack above the gondola, below the flame-area, flying deep in the clouds. ARTHUR has his eyes closed.
ROSALIE (serious)
We've landed!
ARTHUR (opening his eyes)
No, we haven't, you fool!
ROSALIE (laughing)
We're nearly in America.
ARTHUR (shell-shocked)
You're not planning to fly all the way to Vegas in this thing.
ROSALIE (affable)
No, Chet and Abe have a car.
ARTHUR (confused)
Who're Chet and Abe?
ROSALIE (smiling)
My cousins, they live in the country.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR rolls his eyes.
15. EXT. RAILROAD CROSSING, MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA, AFTERNOON, 1970
CUT - The HOT AIR BALLOON floats down opposite a RAILROAD CROSSING, a train coming by, brimming with cross-border MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS. The HOT AIR BALLOON gets caught in the roof of a carriage, disconnecting it, and causing it to separate.
CUT - ROSALIE drops some sandbags away.
ROSALIE (preparing for the worst)
Let's hope the wind blows us away!
CUT - Suddenly, the sandbags get caught in the railroad, causing the disconnected Train Carriage to spin horizontally 360 before overturning.
ARTHUR (blessing himself)
Blimey, that was close!
CUT - As ROSALIE and ARTHUR carefully leave the balloon, holding the suitcases, CHET, a burly bald check-shirt wearing yokel appears in a FARM TRUCK.
CHET (calling ROSALIE)
Rosie, I saw you were in danger.
ROSALIE (nodding)
Yeh, big cuzzin! Chet, this is...
ARTHUR (introducing himself)
Arthur, Arthur Fudge, from England.
CHET (nodding)
I see. Chet Hawkins glad to meet you.
CUT - ARTHUR and ROSALIE enter CHET'S truck, ARTHUR sitting at the back with the two suitcases, as there are only two seats.
16. EXT. FARM TRUCK, MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA, c.1970
CUT - ARTHUR sits back on the flatbed of the truck holding both suitcases.
CUT - Out of the upturned Train Carriage walk some MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS with switchblades.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR is horrified.
ARTHUR (screaming at CHET)
Chet, Chet, some people are chasing us.
CHET (his head hanging outside the truck window)
This calls for some action, Artie!
ARTHUR (angry)
Don't call me Artie!
CHET (smiling)
Alright, Arthur!
17. INT. FARM TRUCK, CALIFORNIA, AFTERNOON, c.1970
CUT - Inside the TRUCK, CHET is driving, ROSALIE beside him.
CHET (drinking beer)
Let's speed up, so they don't catch!
ROSALIE (worried)
They have a vendetta. Their boss is a Mexican criminal, Evaristo Abdocar. Abdocar's sister picked up Arthur from the airport, while he was hitchhiking. However, said sister turned out to be a nymphomaniac. Arthur rejected her advances, and now the bitch reported to her brother.
CHET (smiling, steering)
I'll give them their own blood!
18. EXT. FARM TRUCK THROUGH MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA, AFTERNOON, c.1970
CUT - Some ninja-like, extremely agile MEXICANS jump onto the truck, some with nunchakus.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR looks nervous and unprepared.
CUT - A tall, lean, bushy-eyebrowed MEXICAN with a nunchuk leaps onto the truck, behind ARTHUR. ARTHUR turns sees the MEXICAN, and pushes the nunchuk towards his head, his eyes about to burst, quickly beheading him. His headless corpse quickly tips off the side of the truck over a suburban fence.
CUT - The headless CORPSE falls into a swimming pool, where a BLONDE BIKINI BABE is bathing onto a lilo, only to scream as loud as she can when the CORPSE rises up.
CUT - ARTHUR briefly catches sight of the floating CORPSE, looking over the fence.
ARTHUR (quipping)
That's a sight for sore eyes, and I'm not talking about hers!
CUT - ARTHUR sees a MEXICAN ASSASSIN leaping into the air, tall and moustachioed, possibly of Asian descent. The kicking MEXICAN ASSASSIN hits ARTHUR in the crotch.
ARTHUR (wrapping the nunchuks around the MEXICAN ASSASIN's leg)
Ow, that hurt! You need a leg up!
CUT - The chained-legged MEXICAN ASSASSIN, unable to kick looks dizzy, due to the nunchuks tightly woven around his leg and promptly jumps over in a suicide bid, only to be splattered by the wheels of the FARM TRUCK.
19. INT. FARM TRUCK, MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA, AFTERNOON, c.1970
CUT - Inside CHET is amused by the action.
CHET (good old boy rural sheriff-style)
Jeez Louise, I haven't seen this much damage since I served in 'Nam! I think I better increase speed!
20. EXT. FARM TRUCK/TOUR BUS, MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA, AFTERNOON, c.1970
CUT - As the FARM TRUCK passes a golf course, a TOUR BUS passes by, full of MEXICAN CRIMINALS with crossbows, Uzis, various weapons. ARTHUR leaps onto the back holding both suitcases, hanging on, nearly missing it in bumbling fashion.
21. INT. TOUR BUS, AFTERNOON, 1980
CUT - Inside the TOUR BUS is a veritable armoury, guns hung on the walls alongside grenades, bullets, crossbows, arrows, saw-blades, so on. ARTHUR initially falls down.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR pants, still holding both suitcases.
CUT - PAN-SHOT - The CAMERA goes up, following ARTHUR's POV, beginning at the trousers of a tall man in a long duster coat, in his forties, emaciated features, Latino, a scar on each cheek - EVARISTO.
EVARISTO ABDOCAR (in Spanish, SUBTITLES - "My name is Evaristo, but please call me Papa.")
Mi nombre es Evaristo, pero por favor, me llaman papá.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR cockily shrugs.
ARTHUR (cockily shrugs, in mangled Spanglish - SUBTITLES - "Papa, eh, I'm not your son, maybe your brother-in-law, but here's Papa!")
Papa, eh, yo no soy tu hijo, tal vez su sister-en-law, pero aquí está papá!
CUT - ARTHUR whacks EVARISTO with both suitcases, then climbs up onto the top, still holding both suitcases.
22. EXT. FARM TRUCK/GOLF COURSE, MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA, AFTERNOON, c.1970
CUT - ARTHUR and his suitcases jump onto the flat bed of the FARM TRUCK, which tears apart. ROSALIE jumps out on the side of the truck and grabs the suitcases, while ARTHUR glides on the flat bed towards the TOUR BUS, immediately cutting the TOUR BUS horizontally in half. EVARISTO jumps out onto the GOLF COURE.
CUT - ARTHUR foot-chases EVARISTO on the golf course. EVARISTO jumps into a promotional GOLFBALL BUGGY, a GOLF BUGGY shaped like a giant golf ball, while ARTHUR rides a more conventionally-shaped GOLF BUGGY with spiked wheels. They chase each other, hitting each other across the green, until they reach the fringes of the golf course, bordering a motorway.
CUT - ARTHUR crashes through the fence and ends up on his way onto an INCOMPLETE MOTORWAY OVERPASS.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR is horrified.
CUT - The GOLF BUGGY heroically and successfully leaps the INCOMPLETE OVERPASS and goes downward to catch up with the FARM TRUCK.
CLOSE-UP - EVARISTO looks cocky.
CUT - The GOLFBALL BUGGY goes slowly towards the OVERPASS, and leaps it successfully, but EVARISTO falls out of it halfway and is killed.
CUT - ARTHUR is picked up by the FARM TRUCK.
CHET (smiling)
There's always room for one more.
CUT - The FARM TRUCK drives off.
23. EXT. CHET AND ABE'S HOUSE, MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA, AFTERNOON, c.1970
CUT - The FARM TRUCK enters the farm of CHET and ABE, outside their log farmhouse.
CUT - ABE, a banjo-playing, toothless bald old mute coot appears.
CHET (getting off the TRUCK, introducing ABE)
This is my much older brother, Abe. He don't speak, but he sure does play the music.
CUT - ABE plays a few notes.
ARTHUR (nodding)
Good playing, sir!
CUT - ABE gives a nod of recognition.
CUT - ABE, CHET and ROSALIE host a barbecue outside. ARTHUR is eating a hamburger.
ARTHUR (curious)
We need a car!
CUT - CHET guides him to a shed.
CHET (like a showman)
Welcome to the Silver Bullet!
CUT - We see a 1970s sports car,decked out in silver paint, tin foil, gull-wings, a saw-blade wheel on the roof and blades on the hubcaps.
ARTHUR (confused)
What is it?
ROSALIE (whispering in ARTHUR's ear)
It's a hunting vehicle. Chet thinks werewolves live here.
CHET (sure)
I KNOW werewolves live here!
CUT - ARTHUR gets into the driving seat. He looks comfortable.
ARTHUR (smiling)
Rosalie, put the suitcases in the back please?
CUT - ROSALIE rolls her eyes.
23. EXT. GAS STATION, HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, EVENING, c.1970
CUT - As it approaches night, the SILVER BULLET stops off at a GAS STATION en route to HOLLYWOOD.
ROSALIE (getting out of the car)
You don't know your way, Art!
ARTHUR (angry)
Don't call me Art!
ROSALIE (sarcastic)
Alright, Arthur!
ARTHUR (positive)
I've never been in the US. I'm exploring.
CUT - ARTHUR, while filling the car with petrol looks at a newsstand, a row of LA TIMES reading "European Royal visting Vegas".
ARTHUR (curious)
Rosalie, what club are you working at?
ROSALIE (also curious)
The Lamont, and why?
ARTHUR (reading the paper)
Well, some European Duke, Duke of Fraunkencaz is visiting the Lamont tomorrow!
ROSALIE (cheerful)
Of course, that is why are doing the show, to welcome the Duke on his first trip to America!
ARTHUR (nodding)
Oh right, so you know!
ROSALIE (pointing at ARTHUR)
You're filling it with diesel.
ARTHUR (snobbish)
And?
ROSALIE (smiling)
It's petrol.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR fumes with embarrassment.
24. INT. GAS STATION SHOP, CALIFORNIA, EVENING, c.1970
CUT - ARTHUR enters the SHOP. A one-eyed SHOPKEEPER, old, haggard and sinister gives an evil look to ARTHUR. ARTHUR promptly runs out.
25. EXT. GAS STATION, CALIFORNIA, EVENING, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR runs out.
ARTHUR (rushing)
Let's get a move on!
ROSALIE (confused)
What is it?
ARTHUR (serious)
I was given a facial warning by the shopkeeper in there.
ROSALIE (laughing)
Oh, god, that's both horrifying and hilarious! Let's go!
ARTHUR (angry)
I'm serious!
ROSALIE (nodding, hopping into the SILVER BULLET)
I know!
CUT - ARTHUR enters the SILVER BULLET.
26. EXT. SILVER BULLET, HOLLYWOOD, EVENING, C.1970
CUT - A brief shot of the SILVER BULLET racing through the streets of grimy, gritty, rain-soaked 1970s HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.
27. INT. SILVER BULLET, HOLLYWOOD, EVENING, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR and ROSALIE exchange loving glances.
ROSALIE (tired)
Turn right for Vegas.
28. EXT. STUDIOS, HOLLYWOOD, EVENING, C.1970
CUT - The SILVER BULLET, racing along turns a bit too right, and crashes through a studio, racing through a EUROPEAN BACKLOT STREET, cutting through the flimsy wooden flats done up to resemble terraced houses.
29. INT. SILVER BULLET, EVENING, C.1970
CUT - Inside the SILVER BULLET, ROSALIE watches as ARTHUR tries his best to drive.
ROSALIE (quipping)
You sure seem to feel you're back home.
ARTHUR (under pressure)
Can't you see I'm in trouble?
ROSALIE (pointing out)
I think you should go west!
30. INT. WESTERN BACKLOT, HOLLYWOOD, EVENING, C. 1970
CUT - The SILVER BULLET ploughs through a shoddy WILD WEST TOWN with plastic tumbleweeds and COWBOY STUNTMEN on horses, chasing the BULLET as it crashes out through a gate back onto the motorway.
CUT - One of the STUNTMEN gives himself a facepalm, having let the SILVER BULLET escape.
31. INT. SILVER BULLET, EVENING, C. 1970
CUT - ARTHUR and ROSALIE relax, while the chaos surrounds them.
ROSALIE (smiling, relaxed)
We need to go East and then we are here!
32. EXT. NEVADA DESERT, NIGHT, C. 1970
CUT - The SILVER BULLET races across the empty desert, chased by POLICE CARS which then turn the other way, having not actually been chasing the SILVER BULLET at all.
CUT - The SILVER BULLET sops and ARTHUR gets out.
ROSALIE (still in the SILVER BULLET, head sticking out of the window)
What are you doing out here?
ARTHUR (cheerful)
I've never walked in a desert before.
ROSALIE (jaded, gets out to help ARTHUR)
You see the exciting in the mundane, don't you?
ARTHUR (excited)
I'm a tourist. I'm allowed to explore other cultures, even if this area is empty, devoid of culture.
ROSALIE (laughing)
It's all in Vegas!
CLOSE-UP - ROSALIE rolls her eyes.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR begins to daydream, almost a visage.
CUT - We see in the middle of the DESERT, a lake where ARTHUR is water-skiing, ROSALIE in a boat.
CLOSE-UP - DAYDREAM ROSALIE cheers on DAYDREAM ARTHUR.
DAYDREAM ROSALIE (in a bikini, in the speedboat)
Go on, Arthur! Ski on!
CUT - Some piranhas chase ARTHUR into the lake, a scared ARTHUR leaping on his skis onto the desert, where he continues skiing until the rope breaks and he is stranded.
FADE-OUT - ARTHUR is back in reality.
ARTHUR (dreamy, confused)
Yeh, Vegas!
33. EXT. LAS VEGAS, NIGHT, C. 1970
CUT - The SILVER BULLET in its blazing glory charges through the midnight neon glare of 1970s LAS VEGAS, a world of casinos and funeral homes, an existential emptiness in its world of gas stations, car lots and dollar motels.
34. INT. SILVER BULLET, LAS VEGAS, NIGHT, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR's mouth is open, as he drives around.
ARTHUR (amazed)
This is amazing!
ROSALIE (bored)
No, it is mundane.
ARTHUR (carefree)
So?
ROSALIE (not listening)
What?
ARTHUR (smiling)
What is mundane to you is exotic to me!
ROSALIE (bored)
I know, I know.
ARTHUR (quizzical)
Where is this club?
ROSALIE (pointing at the right)
Well, it's a hotel and a club, and it's beside the Schrager Car Lot.
35. EXT. LAS VEGAS, NIGHT, C.1970
CUT - THE SILVER BULLET speeds down an alleyway, beside a WOOL TRUCK, smashes into the WOOL TRUCK, ending up in a tangle.
CUT - ARTHUR and ROSALIE, their heads sticking out of the car try to untie the wool.
ROSALIE (her head sticking out)
This is exotic!
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR.
ARTHUR (laughing)
Actually, it is mundane. My mom is always knitting.
CUT - The wool gets caught in a lamppost, and suddenly unravels across a section of the VEGAS STRIP, pins rising out of the wool and tearing off people's clothing, while tying to get more wool - leading to a literal VEGAS STRIP.
CUT - ARTHUR heckles and goes "FNARR! FNARR!" at the parade of furious-looking NAKED WOMEN.
CUT - A SHOT of a NAKED MAN and a FURIOUS NAKED YOUNG WOMAN rushing into a CLOTHES SHOP.
CUT - A SHOT of the huge LAMONT CLUB, beside a half-empty car lot, a huge neon sign proclaiming "WELCOME, DUKE OF FRAUNKENCAZ" but all that is lit is "WE COME DU EF FRAUNKENCA".
CUT - ROSALIE hangs her head out of the window.
ROSALIE (screaming)
I'm here, here at last!
CUT - The SILVER BULLET illegally crashes and parks in the gaudy, half-empty CAR LOT. ROSALIE and ARTHUR jump out and enter the LAMONT.
36. INT. LOBBY, VEGAS LAMONT CLUB, NIGHT, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR looks uncomfortable as he escorts ROSALIE in the velvet-walled, goldt-iled, kitsch stained-glass window hotel.
ROSALIE (whispering)
Did I mention it is amortuary too?
CUT - We see a FAMILY dressed in black funeralwear surrounding a middle-aged man in a suit in a glass coffin.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR looks queasy.
ARTHUR (morbid)
No, and you don't need to. It is all in one here.
CUT - ROSALIE points at GRANVILLE, the elderly posh British MAITRE'D.
ROSALIE (cheerful)
Oh look it's Granville.
CUT - GRANVILLE comes over.
GRANVILLE (RP British accent, tired)
Maurice Granville, MBE at your service. What do you want, sir?
ARTHUR (cheerful)
A nice view, and a nice meal.
GRANVILLE (nodding, polite)
Alright, fellow English sir, on the house.
ARTHUR (pleasantly surprised)
Thanks.
ROSALIE (whispering in ARTHUR's ear)
He likes you.
ARTHUR (nodding)
I need to explore the place.
CUT - ARTHUR leaves.
CUT - GRANVILLE pours ROSALIE a drink.
GRANVILLE (curious)
You are most early.
ROSALIE (flirty)
Better early than late, better early than never, padre!
37. INT. MORTUARY, LAMONT HOTEL, LAS VEGAS, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR escapes a gaudy gold-framed glass elevator into a huge purple-walled cavern with bubble-like windows. He sees SHEILA.
SHEILA (turning, anguished)
Oh, Arthur!
ARTHUR (unsure)
I'm sorry for killing your brother.
SHEILA (nodding)
Oh, that's okay.
ARTHUR (confused)
What, you're not upset?
SHEILA (grateful)
You saved me.
ARTHUR (still confused)
Did I?
SHEILA (anxious)
And Mexico.
ARTHUR (realsiing the truth, ooh-ing, aah-ing)
Oh, because of him giving drugs to innocents, ruining hix surroundings.
SHEILA (nodding)
Yes, indeed. All I want to say is...
ARTHUR (impatient)
Yes...
SHEILA (walking off)
Don't touch the DUKE.
CUT - ARTHUR double-takes, first not noticing SHEILA has left.
38. INT. BALCONY OVERLOOKING CABRET STAGE. LAMONT VEGAS CLUB, NIGHT, C.1970
Hunched over the BALCONY, in front of some fruit machines is a TRENCHCOATED FEDORA-HATTED ASSASSIN.
GUN BARREL POV - Of staring down upon the MAIN STAGE and the camp, fat, beret-wearing bald Germanic DUKE, in a striped rainbow-coloured kaftan, seen silently muttering to a considerate GRANVILLE.
CUT - SHEILA walks slowly behind the ASSASSIN.
CUT - ARTHUR briefly enters the BALCONY.
CLOSE-UP - SHEILA puts her arm around the smitten, swarthy ASSASSIN, his face masked in darkness.
CLOSE-UP - ARTHUR is horrified.
39. INT. MAIN STAGE OF LAMONT CLUB, LAS VEGAS, NIGHT, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR rushes down and sees ROSALIE.
ROSALIE (worried)
What is it?
ARTHUR (whispery)
You know who is back, and there's a Cordovan assassin ready to kill the Duke.
ROSALIE (shocked)
And...
ARTHUR (stressed, gets louder and angrier)
She plots to hug him and move the gun towards us, so he accidentally kills us, not the Duke, or tap him on the shoulder, causing him to subconsciously move towards us, firing the gun AT US!
CUT - COLLECTIVE GASP from AUDIENCE.
CUT - GRANVILLE drops a glass of wine.
CUT - The DUKE faints.
CUT - SHEILA runs down the BALCONY, and into the crowd.
CUT - ARTHUR slowly runs after SHEILA, hyperventilating along the way.
CUT - SHEILA leaps onto the stage, begins an interpretive dance act and acts inappropriately.
GRANVILLE (shouting)
The whore!
CUT - Suddenly, SHEILA is bloodily shot in the head, a huge red gash at her forehead and drops dead.
CLOSE-UP - ROSALIE.
ROSALIE (gruffly muttering to herself)
Serves the bitch right. Thanks, assassin!
CUT - ROSALIE prematurely gets on stage and does a striptease act, while awfully singing "MacArthur Park".
CUT - Stunned, horrified and amused AUDIENCE REACTIONS.
CUT - ARTHUR goes outside to catch the ASSASSIN.
40. EXT. BACK OF HOTEL, NEAR CAR LOT, LAS VEGAS, NIGHT, C.1970
CUT - ARTHUR chases the ASSASSIN who prepares to escape in the SILVER BULLET. ARTHUR jumps over the gate, falls on his face, gets up, rugby-tackles the ASSSASIN, whose hat falls off to reveal that the ASSASSIN is a pale, scarred, thin, bony, thatch-blond haired, androgynous ENEMY AGENT with lipstick and eye-shadow who promptly collapses.
CUT - GRANVILLE and ROSALIE peer over ARTHUR's shoulder.
GRANVILLE (quipping in an unmistakably British fashion)
So, it was a lamb dressed as mutton in wolfish clothing, eh?
ROSALIE (replying)
Indeed! Now, the show must go on.
ARTHUR (besotted with ROSALIE)
Can I help you?
CUT - ROSALIE kisses him and whispers.
ROSALIE (whispering)
Yes, lover-boy!
CUT - The FRAME FREEZES.