Scarlett Rambles - Nightmare on Insecurity Street

For the past two years I've had a recurring nightmare that my boyfriend leaves me for another girl, not just any girl, a certain girl in particular. I'm not one to publicly voice my insecurities about how my muffin top has grown or how I wish my boobs would. Call me fat, call me ugly, it will just make me hold my head higher. But, this girl, this girl got inside my head. Made me doubt everything about myself, my relationship, my life. I felt like life was playing a practical joke on me and soon everyone was going to turn round and laugh, laugh at me, as this girl walked away with my boyfriend. 
In the past two years these insecurities have caused gallons of tears, several arguments, broken knuckles and so much hate towards this person. Hate is an ugly word. It makes you say and do ugly things, feel ugly things but in the end it just makes you look ugly and do you know what? Hating this person has never made me feel better about myself. Most of these insecurities were grown from things said in anger, things I'd conjured up in my own head. We should be told as children that monsters don't live under our beds, they live in our heads. 
I've lost count of the outfit pictures I've taken and deleted because they just weren't good enough, despite input from my boyfriend saying I look fine in them, but it doesn't matter how many people tell you, you look fine, unless you feel it yourself, their words are falling on deaf ears. Friday was a prime example, I had be having a major 'fat day' and was going out for dinner with my boyfriend. I tried on thirteen outfits before I felt fine - THIRTEEN. Because as we all know, we are our own worst critic.
This girl didn't get inside my head because she was prettier, or because of what she said and did. She just happened to be there when I was at an all time low of hating myself. I refused to believe that my boyfriend wasn't going to leave me for her, or that he loved me, because I didn't love myself. And as the old saying goes, you can't expect anyone to love you when you don't love yourself. 
Now don't get me wrong, I don't fully love myself. I would love my boobs to be bigger (anyone got a spare 4grand?) my thighs not to wobble and my arse to resemble something similar to Kim Kardashian's, but to be honest, I love my food and wine to much, I'm not a big fan of exercise, and haven't got the money for a boob job. For now I just have to make do with what I've got, and dress to suit that.
I'm never going to look good in body con dresses, I generally need to have a bit of tit on show to draw attention away from my food baby. Tight fitting tops with jeans are a no-no HELLO MUFFIN TOP! But I look good in empire line and shift dresses, skinny jeans, maxi, midi and mini(within reason) skirts are cool, and shirts and blouses are a plus. But saying that, if I feel good in something, that's all that matters.
Insecurities are a part of life but its how you deal with them that matter. You've just got to "believe in yourself" otherwise no one else will.