I find the topic of self harm difficult to talk about even though I have not done it for 8 months now. I started when I was 16 and taking my exams. I was an unhappy teenager, over weight and not very popular and took my pain out on myself. From then on it became more of a habit than anything else. I had a Saturday job in an outdoor clothing firm and had access to all their pen knives. There I would take one and cut up in the bathroom every Saturday for nearly 2 years.
When I met my first boyfriend at 19 I stopped. I would then not go on to self harm until I was 24 and had had my heart broken or should I say completely ripped out by a not so nice man.
It happened on a Friday night out and after getting dumped in front of all my friends I proceeded to sneak a drinks bottle out of the club, walk to the nearest park, smash the bottle and self harm. Unfortunately for me passers by heard it and came to investigate. They called the police and an ambulance. The police escorted me home and woke my parents up at 3am.
It was then that I realised what I had done and how much pain I had caused my family.
No parent wants to find the police on their doorstep and for the fear of their child being dead either. From that night on I stopped for over 5 years. The last time I self harmed was in may 2012.
Once again I had had my heart broken and with the added insult to injury had to see this man every day at work. I still do but am in a much better place to deal with it. I decided that enough was enough as self harming was not solving my problems and unfortunately only making them worse.
People at work saw, questions were asked and now I have had to tell work about my current mental health situation in that I suffer from depression and anxiety.
And as expected they do not understand.
Like many others they assumed my wounds were from attempts to kill myself but like so many other self- harmers it is not. To me it is simply a way of releasing an emotion that is so great, you feel you will die from it unless you let it out.
I now am under going CBT and for me this is proving very effective in dealing with all my mental health problems. It does get better and my advice is don’t give up and get help. Talk to people and share your experiences and gain comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.
This blog post was sent in anonymously to the blog via email
