A few months ago I went through a little relapse phase and for about 2 weeks felt like I was the most unattractive repulsive person on this planet (which I know is ridiculous and it’s only because my skin was awful, I’d had a reaction to some foundation and my face flared up and I had some weird infection thing growing across my nose) I started to feel like I wanted to get back into my old ways again as for a while being that way made me “happy” which just isn’t healthy and is so ridiculous, Knowing now I wasn’t remotely “happy” at all! I had 2 ‘relapses’ if that’s the right word and felt awful after each time. I was so proud that I got over everything all by myself, I didn’t have to go see doctors, I didn’t have to talk to any strangers I overcame it all on my own, and I honestly cannot put into words how proud of that I was/am. So I felt like enough was enough, I was not going to let myself go through that again all because I’m feeling a little shit for a few weeks. So Hence why I shaved my head, and OH GOD did it feel good. The idea was that every time I felt like that again instead of leaning over a toilet I could just reach for the clippers and it did work. I only had to do it once, and I loved it, I did something that was so unexpected for me and I thought it looked awesome! It gave me a massive confidence boost and I just felt great! SOOOO… Now that I’m feeling a bit shit, why don’t I just do that again? Well okay, imagine you’re walking around and you’ve got this dress on that you think is gorgeous and you feel great in it, and a friend comes up to you and says “hmm I don’t like it, I don’t think it suits you” at first you think “I don’t care about your opinion I love it and that’s all that matters” so you plod along and carry on with things. Then someone else comes over and makes a similar comment… and then someone else and someone else, and then slowly you start thinking “actually maybe this doesn’t look that good on me” and you decide it was a bad idea to go out wearing that dress. When enough people tell you to grow your hair out because THEY don’t like it, you start to feel like it may have been a bad idea. So okay yes I felt amazing when I did it and yes it gave me a massive amount of confidence but how can you hold onto that confidence when you have enough people telling you they don’t like it or it just isn’t you. It’s hard to keep onto it. So the shaved head is now growing out, because it became something I just wanted to hide. Shit feeling 1 – 0 Sian’s confidence. I’ve said to my boyfriend a few times I think I might shave my head again but I just can’t seem to do it at the moment.
Another thing… A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I went away for a week to Saundersfoot in wales which I am yet to blog about. But it was an amazing week, I fell in love with Saundersfoot, it’s such a beautiful place and I it gave me a lot of time to really think about things, where my life was going and where I wanted it to go. For a while now I have really hated my job, I’d been there for 2 years and even on my first day I phoned my mom up afterwards and cried. That should have been a warning to get the hell out of there. But I didn’t I worked my ass off in them little fitting rooms for two years and I think with everything else that’s happened over the last few months with Ina Circle it just made me so miserable and I don’t know I can’t explain how I felt it, just was so negative. It really was a negative place and when I was in saundersfoot the thought of having to go back there just put the absolute fear in me. Being away and being so happy and seeing what could be with my life really brought out how miserable I was in my job and I just couldn’t do it. I realised that if I want something to change I have to be the one to change it. I had enough of feeling shit and decided to stop making myself ill and I took control of that, I feel like with all the shit that happened with Ina Circle and all the debts it’s got me into, it’s all gone out of control. I felt like a little kid standing in the middle of rush hour in London just completely lost, and all I wanted to do was dig a whole and not come out. But that’s not going to get me anywhere, I have to take control and I have to make the things happen that make me happy! What is the point of our lives if we’re not happy? So I phoned up work and quit. I probably should have done it in a better way but I wasn’t prepared to go back and carry on being miserable and stuck in whatever I was stuck in. Being in saundersfoot gave me the chance to really think about what I want out of my life, yeah I’m only 22 and I have a hell of a long time left to do things, so I need to start making them happen.
I’m moving back home at the beginning of September to help me get out of the debts Ina Circle put me in and I’m feeling a little bit more like “yes this can be done” whereas before, not being able to afford to eat because I had to pay my phone bill and all sorts of other crap was just too much. I by no means am out of it at the moment but I’m feeling like there’s a way that I can sort it out. So that in itself is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.I’m doing a bit of work for Avon at the moment and I am loving it. I’ve really surprised myself by how much I am enjoying it. I’ve been approached by my area manager today infact to move up the ladder already and start managing my own team which is brilliant! I’m really excited to be working for Avon as cosmetics and the beauty world is one of my biggest interests as you know.The way I wanted to do it was list 5 things that I was unhappy with and then do something to make them stop. Literally like that. Working in a job I hated: I made that stop. My debts increasing (okay they haven’t stopped) but I'm working at freeing myself up of rent and allowing that to slowly pay off my debts. Feeling like shit about my appearance, I joined a gym. Well I can’t afford that anymore but do little things, like a hairstyle I like, make up I like, wear bold lipstick I love just because I like it, heck I might one day just turn around and shave my head again who bloody knows?!
