Every moment of every day we have choice whether we are conscious of it or not.
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The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy. (ed-bites)
And that sums up recovery totally. Yes, you have to wait for the initial decision that your loved one wants to recover (particularly in adults) and begins the slow and long process of their unique journey. But the reality of recovery is that it is not just a one and only decision.
It is an every day, many times a day decision. You get up in the morning with the best intentions, by lunch time you have ‘chosen’ at least 3 times to recover. Add another few times before bed and you have an idea of what the reality is really like in recovery.
The voice in your head doesn’t let up, it doesn’t go away just because you have made the initial decision to recover. It is in the eating disorders interests to make you stop recovering, so it punishes you all the time.
Recovery is learning to choose ‘life and health’ for every meal, every exercise obsession, every medication, every therapist visit ….
With time it does get easier. I am not just saying that, but like exercising a muscle, choosing recovery over an eating disorder command does become easier. It’s why in the early-mid stages of recovery it’s so exhausting both emotionally and physically, and relapse often happens. You are constantly battling the voice and choosing the path you know will bring you life and health.
Even now, despite being fully recovered, Sophie has to choose every day to eat all meals and make sure it is the right amount. She knows that to skip meals or cut back will lead down the slippery slope. It is a choice she makes when she wakes. The voice is rarely in her head these days, however she requires constant awareness and choice to never let it back in. In time I and she hope she no longer even has to do this. But she will tell you despite all the deliberate choosing and the constant awareness, here and now is far better than where she has been.
