Most of the time, I just want to lock you up in my bed with me and never leave. Every time I need to leave the house, I pray as I buckle you up in your car seat. I get sick just starting the car up. "Please let all the idiot drivers stay home today. Please let this drive go smoothly. Please...no accidents" Have you ever felt like because you had a precious baby in your shopping cart that at any moment the product laden shelves could collapse right on top of you both? Irrational, I know...
I dread when you are school age. I don't want you to leave me waving at that yellow bus praying nothing bad happens, praying there are no creeps in the school system. Going through those silly yet impressionable elementary years leading into the painful awkward pubescent filled high school years.
I get so anxious thinking about you going through your first heart break when some idiot deems you not worthy. I'm nervous for the first time you ask where babies come from and more worried for when you think your ready for sex.
I'm scared. to. death. of not having a good relationship with you. When you start puberty and go through all these changes, I want you to want me there for it. I'm afraid you'll lock yourself in your room and shut me out. I'm afraid you'll use partying and drugs as a comfort. I'm terrified of you hating me.
I'm afraid I'll be a bad parent. Everything that I have done for you, and here on out was what I thought was best for you. I'm scared you won't know this and think I'm trying to "ruin your life."
In face, its quite the opposite. Despite all these terrible fears, there are so many things I want for you.
I can't wait for you to come home from school and tell me about your new friend, who you met and befriended all by yourself. I'm so excited to see what kinds of school clubs and organizations you want to be apart of. I will never miss an event. I want to see what subjects in school interest you most and to hear every so often what you want to be when you grow up. I can't wait for the day you tell me you found the one. I am so excited for your wedding day that I can't hardly stand it. I want to see you up there devoting yourself to your one and only as I did with mine. As much as I don't want you to grow up, I long for the day you tell me that I'm going to be a grandmother, to see you hold your baby in your arms as I hold you in mine now.
I wish I could see in the future and know that everything will turn out alright. But at the moment, I wish you would stay a baby for a long time so I could smother you with all the loving I could and keep you completely safe.
If you're still with me, thanks for listening to my rant. I hope I'm not the only one with these feelings.
