Hello
It’s not everyday you become Pope!
Cheers to all the lads down at The Conclave And Acclamation for electing me. Trebles all round. The ring they gave me was lovely, so much so that my lovely wife Shirley has already nipped down to the pawnbrokers to see what it will fetch. Purely in an emergency situation you understand.
Facilities Management in St Peter’s are building a wonderful golden pot for me to be carried around on. The Potmobile.
Shirley has ordered a new water-bed and 56 inch TV for our new pad in The Vatican. The old bed was a bit small and full of bread crumbs! God knows (well if he doesn’t here where will he!) what Pope Benny got up to in it.
Don’t worry about sex though. I’ve been celibate for nearly 15 years now. Shirley really was thinking ahead on that one.
I must say I find all this get up ever so camp! Old fellas walking around in ermine, silk and velvet all telling us how to live our lives, to give to the poor and to abominate gays for wanting to get married? Weird when you think about it.
There’s enough gold and fancy candlesticks to make Liberace green with envy. He would have made a good Pope. Tinkled the ivories like the best of them, loved a robe, a fine head of hair, had his ring kissed a lot and a fierce opponent of homosexuality (The lawyers told me to put that last bit in).
Anyway must go. Have to write my sermon. Tolerance is the theme (although that referee robbed United last week and should be shot, bleedin’ foreigners).
I will call it The Sermon From The Pot
Amen
Pope Bob I (Shirley says hello!)
Bob foresaw this in his last column for Gingerfightback which you can read here!
