When my son was born on 25th March 2012 I couldn’t be happier, I had my baby boy after 9 months of worry and stress. I already had a little girl who was 17 months. We had the perfect family but 3 days after my son was born he developed acid reflux and a milk allergy so he screamed from the moment his eyes opened, to the moment the closed which was never for long.
The constant crying and sleepless nights soon started to cause me to develop PND and after a few bad life choises, which I wont go into cause ive already wrote a blog post on it, I developed severe PND. I was suicidel and hearing and seeing things that werent there, this went on until my little boy was 7 months.
I remember very little of his first year apart from darkness and crying both mine and his.
All his milestones I know when they happened but I don’t actually remember them happening.
I missed out on 7 months off his life.
PND Makes Me Feel Like I Let My Baby Down
I was completely on auto pilot just going through the motions but not actually being aware of what I was doing. I feel so guilty for missing out on his life. I feel like I have completely let him down.
Hes 10 months now and although I am not 100% I am much better and I am determined to make it up to him. I went all out for Christmas and tried to make it as perfect as possible for them both and with Jacobs birthday coming up soon I am determined to make it extra special for him. He is having a party in the house but I have gone all out on decorations and party stuff and although I haven’t bought his presents yet I am gonna make sure I spoil him rotten.
I know he wont care or even realize that I missed most of his first year or what I do for his birthday but I will always know and I will always feel so guilty for missing him grow and develop.
I don’t think I will ever stop trying to make it up to him or would I even want to stop. Even with my little girl im always trying to make it up too her too. Guess its just part of being a mom you always want to do the best for your kids and when you dont you hate yourself for it and that will never change.
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