The only way I can get the voice to stop is to cut. Then there is instant quiet. I can sleep.
Chilling isn’t it. That’s my son. That was last night.
And the cuts are so neat – same size, same distance apart. A reflection maybe of my son’s ordered and exact mind.
His voice is a bit more personal on some levels. It is a male voice. It is authoritative. It is not Will’s own voice.
His voice start quiet when he is enjoying himself. Telling him to stop. Just that. Stop. When Will tries to ignore the voice, it gets louder and louder. Until it is finally screaming. STOP.STOP.STOP. Over and over and over. When Will obeys the voice, the voice drops to nothing instantly. It has achieved it’s purpose. Will is sitting there – miserable, lonely, shut down.
He hates counseling but it is the only way to (hopefully) express what is inside in a caring and supportive environment. It’s the only way to learn new skills for emotional expression the results in healthy ways to let out emotions and live. Self-harm, whilst it provides short-term relief, is not healthy nor does it promote any kind of healthy mental attitude. It brings its own shame, guilt and isolation. So you keep putting more and more layers ontop of the original pain.
The medication is not working or at least appears to not be working. The psychiatrist is reluctant to try a fourth one just yet. Give him time to see if this one might work. He nows has two safe zones at school to go to if the urge to seriously harm himself is too strong. I am not enough, he needs more people around him on a daily basis.
I am not even sure if he is going to get through this year at school. Just getting through a day is tough at the moment. School started 10 days ago, he has had 3 days off already including weekend breaks. The are things he can do, but it is getting him to accept and acknowledge he needs to make decisions. He is not at that point, head still in the sand. Saying yes I can get there but I have no idea how, I just will.
It’s a day at a time, most days not good. I am learning more about voices, pain, self-harm. Just knowing how to support Will is tricky. At this stage it’s mostly push away, so you end up hovering around the edges. And hoping, just quietly hoping/praying.
