I took an overdose again on Saturday, this was once again triggered by my tormentor the person I call Mum. I should never have answered the phone to her or played the voice mail she left.
She asked why I couldn’t be there for her as ‘I am her best friend’ ,that’s the problem I don’t see it like that. She causes me to question my own sanity stating that she is an excellent mother and not an alcoholic. In one breath apologises for the beatings I received from her as a child and the next claims that it didn’t happen. My childhood is hazy to say the least. Family and friends assure me she has an alcohol problem. My brother as a witness assures me that the beatings happened. So why do I allow her to make me doubt myself and reality.
The only way to describe our current relationship is ‘Jenga’ she builds me up then knocks me down until I can barely stand. I am aware that this happens yet I still allow her to do it as I constantly seek her approval even now in my early 30′s. She tells me I am her rock then that I don’t love her the way I should. How I am a good mother yet my children are misbehaved and ill mannered. I could go on forever with examples.
But then it feels like I am blaming for the darkness that is in my mind which I have caused myself! The guilt I feel for feeling this way about my own mother, the one who brought me into this world.
How ungrateful I sound. What is wrong with me how can I love yet despise her at the same time with such ferocity that it causes me to question my very sanity and existence? I ask myself what is reality and what is not, nothing makes sense anymore.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
You can read many more Inspirational Stories of hope and courage on the blog.
You could help us share the blogs love to helping others by sharing via the social sharing buttons bellow.
