Humor Magazine

On Gaming

By Dvsredkov

It’s a whole industry. You can’t go to a mall without spotting at least five advertisements about a game. Regardless of the hardware it needs or the scenario they’re all said to be “latest , best , unmatched”.  I decided to conduct a thorough investigation about the whole idea of gaming. What makes it so special and how it attracts that many people both kids and adults. At first there was nothing unexpected – the people in the store were kind , they gave me all the information I demanded without offering free complimentary tea or candies with possible contain of addictive chemistry inside. And then as I had just started playing I found myself in the middle of a pile of food containers , empty bottles and a vase which was serving as an ashtray and it was not Monday night as I was expecting , it was Sunday and I had no intention to sleep. I had been sucked into the computerized realm where time had values depending on the clicks per minute. I no longer cared for my teeth which were representing an autumn park landscape and my sight had a range measured in centimeters. My mobile phone was begging me to plug it in the socket as a result of the dozens of calls and messages mostly from people that thought I was dead. Yet I was feeling alive , my mates online were with me and I had no need to go outside because all that made sense to me at that very moment was inside the monitor. Eventually I had forgotten to pay my internet provider and I was cut off the Internet. And I am sure that when it happened I had a minor heart attack. The post-gaming 24h sleep which normal people call coma sobered up my brain and the PC had a brief role as a shooting target before heading through the window on its way to the scrapheap. My life was saved but in China for example computer addiction has taken its toll and now there are laws against parallel lives online  alongside clinics that provide professional help to the victims of Blizzard. So the first conclusion is – RPGs of any type may and eventually will cost your life.
Then I moved on to FPS – first person shooters. It was more fun and much less time-consuming given that you can’t possibly be as agile and alert after more than 4 hours on the battlefield. On the other hand I happened to notice that in the local shop I was trying to figure out the best way to cut the throat of the person who took the last box of ice cream. Or was I capable of defending the storage room on my own , using the basic armory of a counter-terrorist. And weirdly a popular spot in my city seemed as a perfect copy of de_aztec and I was cautious for an ambush. Therefore the second conclusion is that FPSs subconsciously make you a real life trooper wannabe and they ingratiate violence.
My last attempt was with sport simulators. And right from the start – EA Sports. Fantastic games with real life data , stats and graphics. In a coupe of hours I was Lebron James , Cristiano Ronaldo and … myself on the field with the rest of the superstars and it was great fun. Then I took part in the Monaco Grand Prix impersonating Michael Schumacher and won the Wimbledon as Federer. And as a result I only wanted to go out and burn all the calories stored on my waist from playing RPGs in sport activities. And the best part is still to come – the ultimate pleasure is to call someone and play against one another and to shout cheerfully in his face when scoring an extra time freekick. Conclusion number three – Sport simulators are safe , great fun and actually good for you because you’ll be willing to run and play outside after lifting the virtual trophies. If not – you’re odd and probably fat and ugly.

Lazy-reader version : PC games can be great fun with the unbelievable graphics and scenarios that can become Hollywood classics but there’s a very thin line between leisure time playing and hardcore addiction. Try to avoid playing for more that two days or you will end up in a hospital. Gaming can make you anti social despite having 100+ “friends” in a chatbox. Try playing simulators. Shooting is fun but keep it on screen and there’s nothing wrong to break the speed limit in a drive simulator. The hero-level up-character-virtual-me games are bad and should be banned. Show the world how much you are worth using the nickname written on your ID card.

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