It’s so easy to fall into the busy trap. After my reflection on the importance of taking a break from the flurry of activities, I was pretty good about making time for prayer and escape. But of course, it couldn’t last long and here I am again, finding it difficult to schedule a moment for a breather.
This past weekend I had promised myself to make no plans other than Adoration – i.e. lots of time with Jesus to get some direction in my life. And instead I worked a fashion show and made various breakfast, lunch, and dinner plans with my girlfriends. The thing is, there is a part of me that doesn’t want that alone time, though I know I desperately need it.
When it comes down to it, I have to admit to myself that I am a little fearful of taking a moment to reflect. You see, I know I have avoided engaging a lot of emotions lately. Because I know it’s going to hurt. O LORD, you have probed me and you know me (Ps 139:1). It won’t be fun reflecting on things that brings on anxiety, or confronting the inner negative voice that is constantly telling me I’m not good enough. You are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you, (Is 43:4). So I focus my attention on doing things. On hanging out with my friends. On my long work days. On anything but the things that require quiet reflection.
So it went on, these past few weeks. Me not feeling anxious, yet my heart is not at peace either. It’s a weird numbness that I didn’t intentionally bring on, but came nonetheless due to my lack of attention to my own feelings. Even writing this post is tough for me, because being vulnerable, even alone in the presence of God, has never been intuitive to me.
I run away. That’s been my M.O. in the past. I make rash decisions, on whatever whims my spontaneity will take me. I escaped to the another state, another country, another continent. Yes, in part it was due to my adventurous nature and curiosity to see the world. But if I’m being completely honest with myself, those decisions were mainly driven by my inability to face vulnerability. My prideful need to establish my own independence from the world – at times even from God. And though I am not looking to leave my city right now, I still run away from my emotions out of fear. How long, O people, will you be hard of heart? (Ps 4:3).
And never had it worked. Run as I might, my feelings, my hurt, insist on catching up with me. And you know what? I’m exhausted from the effort. I know I need to pray. The LORD works wonders for his faithful one (Ps 4:4). To just…feel. I need to let Jesus guide me through all my anxieties and insecurities. Through all the pain that still lingers from past mistakes – from people who have hurt me. Through all the things that haven’t completely healed. When you pass through waters, I will be with you (Is. 43:2). I need throw myself down at the altar and trust that, tough as it is, Jesus will help me understand my own heart. He will guide me, and provide a direction for me. I suppose that’s what faith is all about. Fear not, for I am with you (Is 43:5).
I have so many things to discern right now. I’m taking on so many different responsibilities, in and out of work, and moving my life in new directions. But the days of making rash life-changing decisions are behind me. I will stop. And listen. And let Him take the lead.
